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So last night, my son went on his date night with his useless girlfriend. It was my wife and I on the couch just hanging out and watching some TV until the kids came out and she hung out with them. I didn’t want to wait to talk to her. I figured, in a casual setting like this( I made sure she was in a good mood), I would ask her an intriguing question that I saw on here: Where do you see your son in 6 months? A year? I asked her this and I got back an “ I don’t know, why worry tonight? I’m sure he’ll think of something.” I told her that, in a year, if nothing changes, he’ll be sleeping until 5 in his bed only with his girlfriend all moved in.
She said I was “ being goofy”.
I told her that I wanted to go get counseling for the family because I feel as though she doesn’t respect me. Somehow, this turned into a “ you’re too hard on him. He needs to be comforted( her way of saying pampered) and loved. When was the last time you hugged him or told him you loved him?” talk. My dad hardly did either but I knew he loved me because he listened, guided, and helped me whenever I needed it. I know she loves this kid and tells him often and hugs him but I’m not her and I love him as well. After her statement, she agreed to go in order to appease me. She said that he was “ a bit spoiled and lazy, but kids deserve a little spoiling. I was spoiled as a kid ( indeed she was)”. That was the end of the talk. I guess I should be happy she's going, but something tells me she'll ignore the doctor and do what she's always done.
You got her to agree to go! That's the first step. I think you'll be surprised how people react when they get help from a 3rd party. Make the appointment and go from there. Just be prepared for the counselor to tell you what your part in this has been too. I hope you can both listen and learn and come to an agreement.
Her tone of voice kind of scared me though. It wasn't a " Ok sweetie, I'll go" cheerful tone it was more of an annoyed " Ugh, fine, if it will make you happy, I'll go. I think she's going to go on auto pilot and forget the meeting and revert to her ways.
You got her to agree to go! That's the first step. I think you'll be surprised how people react when they get help from a 3rd party. Make the appointment and go from there. Just be prepared for the counselor to tell you what your part in this has been too. I hope you can both listen and learn and come to an agreement.
Exactly - great that she's willing to go. And with no drama.
I agree that you'll need to be open to making changes. I found it interesting that your wife brought up that she feels you don't express affection toward your son. You feel he should just "know" your feelings. Could it be your wife is trying to compensate for what she feels is your lack of interest in him?
Be sure to follow through with finding a reputable counselor very soon - while it is fresh in your minds and you are both willing to do it. It is too easy to just never get around to following through with these things.
Her tone of voice kind of scared me though. It wasn't a " Ok sweetie, I'll go" cheerful tone it was more of an annoyed " Ugh, fine, if it will make you happy, I'll go. I think she's going to go on auto pilot and forget the meeting and revert to her ways.
Stop overanalyzing what may or may not be her feelings. Just go.
Exactly - great that she's willing to go. And with no drama.
I found it interesting that your wife brought up that she feels you don't express affection toward your son. You feel he should just "know" your feelings. Could it be your wife is trying to compensate for what she feels is your lack of interest in him?
Be sure to follow through with finding a reputable counselor very soon - while it is fresh in your minds and you are both willing to do it. It is too easy to just never get around to following through with these things.
I feel as though the striving for counseling shows interest
Her tone of voice kind of scared me though. It wasn't a " Ok sweetie, I'll go" cheerful tone it was more of an annoyed " Ugh, fine, if it will make you happy, I'll go. I think she's going to go on auto pilot and forget the meeting and revert to her ways.
Who cares? She said she's go. Be happy with that and move forward. Sure, it would be great if she took your hand and said, "You're right, honey. We absolutely should do this for our family and our son. I look forward to hearing what the counselor says." But that ain't gonna happen because deep down she knows her behavior is not acceptable.
You are SO WORRIED about her reactions. It's as if her disapproval is that absolute worst thing that could happen to you. This does not say much for your self-esteem.
Stop tip-toeing around her. It's your house too. You know that counseling is the best thing for you and your family. The docs are pros. They will call your wife on her behavior even if you cannot.
Whether she faces her reality is not something you can control. Just go.
I feel as though the striving for counseling shows interest
The striving for counseling is to work on your marriage and why you aren't allowing/expecting to be an equal partner. Whatever benefit your son might get is secondary at this point.
I just want her to take it seriously. I know that that is up to her and only she can deal with that but I just hope she does. She's never been very good with( and I know its not apples to apples and that docs aren't authority) authority i.e. principals and detentions. I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised
If principals and detention are your reference point, then you both have been stuck in a mode of immaturity for quite a long while. Apparently being a parent has not forced her to grow up (i.e. make hard choices and be accountable for her own behavior) the way it does with most people who have kids.
So she has a TON of growing up to do as well. This will not happen overnight, and it will not be easy. In fact, there will be times that it will be very uncomfortable and perhaps painful for you since you detest and avoid confrontation. But you do not like things the way they are. The only way for them to change is for you, your wife and your son to CHANGE. They will resist this because, frankly, you have made their situations quite enjoyable, with them both getting to do what they damn well please.
But you have to look at it as a tunnel. There is a light at the end, but you will never get there if you turn around in the middle of the tunnel and go back.
Keep that light as your goal during this process. It has taken your wife her entire life to get to where she is now. It will also take a long time for her to climb out of that place.
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