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Introverts require periodic alone-time in order to function properly, so constant connection to their children is simply not reasonable. Does this make them bad parents? No, says Lynn Beinser, it just makes them human.
I thought this was a great article. It's so true that many of the parenting theories today are really oriented at extroverts - stressing the need for constant interaction and engaging your child, always giving them full attention, always listening and talking and explaining every little thing to them. All the things I've always believed in and thought would come naturally to me - except I'm realizing they're not.
I'm an introvert and NEED my space and alone time. Somehow I never thought I could get tired from interacting with my own child - but I do; and thinking about it in these terms helps me not feel so guilty about not enjoying constant interaction with my three year old and wanting time away from everyone. I almost get physically tired of talking, and I just want to not.say.anything. But then I feel like I'm cheating DS out of that interaction, missing out on potential learning moments or just fun moments that I'll regret later. It's always a struggle to find that balance between feeling emotionally drained yet meeting DS's needs. DS has actually become a lot clingier lately than he was when he was younger, and he needs that interaction and other kids aren't always available, and I'm finding it difficult to always be 'on', or even 70% of the time.
You should not feel guilty. Obviously you're a very caring parent or you wouldn't be posting or reading parenting articles. Parents need to be healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. If that means you take time out of your day to recharge, that's what it means. There were times when my kids were young that I just could not stand to be physically touched anymore and just wanted quiet. It was as if I was in sensory overload. My husband and I worked out time that I could be alone. It might have only been 10 or 15 minutes a day, some days not at all, but it brought me back re-energized to be the best parent I could be.
I don't want to escalate this into a conversation about attachment parenting. It might work for some people. It doesn't work for others. When my children were infants I certainly held them constantly, fed on demand, etc. As they became toddlers, it was important to me that they learned to entertain themselves and explore the world on their own (obviously within my eyesight). That's not to say that I didn't interact with them, but it was not constant. I certainly explained, listened, played and gave them undivided attention, but they also learned to play on their own. There is no one right way to parent. Find the happy medium for you and your child.
As for the clinginess--chalk it up to a "stage" he's going through. In a few months he'll be on to a fiercely independent stage. I recall my children often went through an extra clingy period just before they made some kind of developmental leap.
Not yet a parent, but as an introverted child, I would have completely wilted under attachment parenting. I think it can be a great tool for some families, but I needed a lot of alone time myself - even as a toddler (though that generally meant grabbing some blocks and hiding in the corner).
I think that all parents of young children feel the way you do at times. Parenting through the needy years is just emotionally exhausting. The good news is that it does get better.
I think the notion you mention that children require constant interaction and engagement is bologna. The kids need their down times too! You cannot have learning moments every moment. Sometimes restful moments are processing moments. Ah well, such is life.
No guilt. Guilt never motivated anyone to do anything useful.
Kids definitely need their down time, as soon as my kid learnt to walk she learnt to walk away and hide for some peace and quiet!
I think some babies need the more attachment style, it can be too upsetting for some babies to be put down, but other babies need a different style and I think its really good for toddlers to spend time alone, learning to entertain themselves and to feel comfortable in their own company. Everything is a learning moment for a toddler but that learning doesn't always have to come from mum or dad.
Introverts require periodic alone-time in order to function properly, so constant connection to their children is simply not reasonable. Does this make them bad parents? No, says Lynn Beinser, it just makes them human.
I thought this was a great article. It's so true that many of the parenting theories today are really oriented at extroverts - stressing the need for constant interaction and engaging your child, always giving them full attention, always listening and talking and explaining every little thing to them. All the things I've always believed in and thought would come naturally to me - except I'm realizing they're not.
I'm an introvert and NEED my space and alone time. Somehow I never thought I could get tired from interacting with my own child - but I do; and thinking about it in these terms helps me not feel so guilty about not enjoying constant interaction with my three year old and wanting time away from everyone. I almost get physically tired of talking, and I just want to not.say.anything. But then I feel like I'm cheating DS out of that interaction, missing out on potential learning moments or just fun moments that I'll regret later. It's always a struggle to find that balance between feeling emotionally drained yet meeting DS's needs. DS has actually become a lot clingier lately than he was when he was younger, and he needs that interaction and other kids aren't always available, and I'm finding it difficult to always be 'on', or even 70% of the time.
Any other introverts out there feeling similar?
Interesting blog post, but not the least bit valid as an argument. I don't see any connection between introversion and sling-wearing/breastfeeding type mothering. I am an introvert and never felt bothered by time with my child. It felt more like being alone (in a good way). Snuggling with him all day was perfectly fine for me. There really was no relation to anything introvert/extrovert that I experienced.
I will agree, however, that the "politics and competitiveness" of classes and activities for kids is just so difficult. The myriad groups that we are supposed to belong to, the crowds of moms we are supposed to be friends with, all that I find really difficult to do and feel pretty guilty about. That is by far the hardest part of parenting - being forced to socialize with a lot of other parents all the time so that my child can socialize with their children (which, predictably, he hates anyway).
Not yet a parent, but as an introverted child, I would have completely wilted under attachment parenting. I think it can be a great tool for some families, but I needed a lot of alone time myself - even as a toddler (though that generally meant grabbing some blocks and hiding in the corner).
Thank you for pointing out that attachment parenting also ISN'T for all children. My biggest pet peeve is parents who think all children are alike. When I was struggling with breastfeeding the remark is always 'you should cosleep and just nurse through the night'. HE WOULDN'T SLEEP IN BED WITH US!!!
Interesting blog post, but not the least bit valid as an argument. I don't see any connection between introversion and sling-wearing/breastfeeding type mothering. I am an introvert and never felt bothered by time with my child. It felt more like being alone (in a good way). Snuggling with him all day was perfectly fine for me. There really was no relation to anything introvert/extrovert that I experienced.
I will agree, however, that the "politics and competitiveness" of classes and activities for kids is just so difficult. The myriad groups that we are supposed to belong to, the crowds of moms we are supposed to be friends with, all that I find really difficult to do and feel pretty guilty about. That is by far the hardest part of parenting - being forced to socialize with a lot of other parents all the time so that my child can socialize with their children (which, predictably, he hates anyway).
You don't really sound like an introvert to me, so maybe you don't 'get it'. Which is okay, since all people and all babies are different. No one here or in the article are saying they are bother by their children. Like the article states "being an introvert means that being around other people slowly depletes my energy". Being with a baby or a toddler, or any other person, isn't the same thing as being alone.
Almost all parents get tired of having to be "on" all the time, especially when their kids are going through very needy stages.
Back in the days before the internet and its herds of super-competitive parents told us it was wrong, sane parents would pop in a movie for an hour and a half of blissful peace and quiet, guilt free. Or insist that the child take a nap every day even if they're not tired (because mommy is tired).
You don't need a complicated theory to tell you it's okay to take a break sometimes and recharge your batteries.
This is more of a problem when you only have one child...by the time you have two, you've figured out that you take your breaks when you can get them, and also the kids can keep each other company sometimes.
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