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I would take his keys for the rest of the summer. He can take a bus or bicycle where he needs to go. Having him drive is a convenience for you but you may need to give that up while he learns his lesson.
Your son could have killed somebody, his friends, himself, or an innocent family. And then you would be making funeral arrangements or hiring a lawyer and hoping you don't lose everything you have. He's lucky he got pulled over as he was leaving the party, and before he could get out on the road and kill someone.
I drank when I was 18 (it was legal for me). My husband drank when he was underage. Neither of us ever drove when we had been drinking. To me, driving drunk is the far bigger issue than underage drinking.
I remember a drunk driving case a few years ago in my city. The drunk teen was about 17 and hit and killed a pedestrian walking on the sidewalk (a child). It destroyed both families. The teen went to prison for at least ten years. The parents of the drunk teen were sued and lost their house, car and family business.
One of the parents of the dead child became seriously depressed and later killed themselves.
So two families were seriously effected because of the poor decisions of one teen.
BTW at the trials (both criminal & civil) the teen was portrayed as a "good student" and "good kid" who had "drank alcohol" only that one time.
You and he are lucky that he didn't kill himself or someone else. It happens ALL THE TIME.
The police have already tacitly approved of his behavior. Not taking his license or car away, and you are doing the same thing.
You son has driven while under the influence of alcohol, this wasn't a prank, it was major, potentially life ending failure in judgement on his part. I hope for HIS sake, you take the hard line here.
You've posted numerous times about the various "hi-jinks" you were involved with when you were younger. I've always gotten the feeling you had a sense of pride in them. Do your kids know those stories? Did you shrug them off when you were telling the kids about all the things Dad did? (Because you have.) Do you expect your own kids to have a different attitude? Do you honestly believe this is is the first time he's had a drink? (Wow. He manages to get caught the very first time. What are the odds?)
Why on earth would you think the coaches respect him? It's supposed to be the other way around. Really? He's so great they respect him? Why are you negating what he did with talk about his being polite and getting good grades. That doesn't mean diddly squat. He drank then he drove a car. Oh, but he's polite. Doesn't matter.
I think you need to take off the rose colored glasses of how great your son is and realize he could have t-boned an innocent family. You figure that out and you'll be able to decide whether or not letting him drive is a good idea.
Go find someone who goes to AA twice a week and tell him, "My underage son drove after he drank but he's a polite kid and he says this is the first drink he's ever had." and watch the reaction.
The good news is you can steer him back on course. The bad news is you're going to have to be real honest with yourself about why he thought he could drink then get in a car and drive.
No sense of pride. No real remorse either mostly. Just was a stupid teen and glad my kids are much less stupid and far less rebellious. And no. They know I was a punker in college, but not really much else. They know my early high school grades were terrible because they found some old report cards laying around at Grandmas.
Why I think they respect him? Because they told me so. They said things like "That kid is so dedicated, he just does not quit. I have never seen anyone like him. He will end up in the Olympics if he keeps pushing this hard. One summer coach offered to help pay for him to go to special camp despite the fact this coach delivers pizza at night to make ends meet (Penn State apparently does not pay big salaries). Maybe coaches always say that kind of thing. I do not know. I was no athlete, and I pretty much hated the jocks. All of them carry on about him a lot, give him awards for character, dedication, earlier for most improved. (He was fat and could not run around the block when he started, not he is 46 pounds lighter, solid muscle and runs 10 miles regularly just to stay in shape). I thought that kind of praise from coaches was unusual, but maybe not. This is the first of my kids to really be involved in sports, so I know next to nothing about coaches and all that. I do know they have a lot of influence over him.
You seem to have issues reading what you want to see instead of what is there. What I said is he is a good kid and that is one of the reasons the cops let him off easily, also it means he is not a problem kid (not like I was.). I never said nor implied it in any way lessens the severity of what he did. However you deal with different types of kids differently. A problem kid needs to be treated differently than one who has his act together. Perhaps I should just be ignoring this response, are you one of those posters who feels they have to attack anything anyone asks? I will have to go back and look to see. There are a lot of those on CD. Do you even have teen age kids?
You and he are lucky that he didn't kill himself or someone else. It happens ALL THE TIME.
The police have already tacitly approved of his behavior. Not taking his license or car away, and you are doing the same thing.
You son has driven while under the influence of alcohol, this wasn't a prank, it was major, potentially life ending failure in judgement on his part. I hope for HIS sake, you take the hard line here.
They took his license away and the keys and brought them to me (at 3 a.m.). I am certainly not tacitly approving his behavior. However destroying him entirely ruining his chances for college and pursuing his talents is overrating and foolish. That is what I am looking for. Where is that balance between sufficient response and foolish overreaction? Notwithstanding our other kids not being in any trouble, I did learn the importance of balance with teens. Overreact, and you will cause the exact opposite effect of what you are trying to do. That is exactly what my parents did. The more crushing their discipline, the more I ignored it and went the opposite direction.
Last edited by Coldjensens; 07-29-2013 at 05:33 PM..
No sense of pride. No real remorse either mostly. Just was a stupid teen and glad my kids are much less stupid and far less rebellious. And no. They know I was a punker in college, but not really much else. They know my early high school grades were terrible because they found some old report cards laying around at Grandmas.
Why I think they respect him? Because they told me so. They said things like "That kid is so dedicated, he just does not quit. I have never seen anyone like him. He will end up in the Olympics if he keeps pushing this hard. One summer coach offered to help pay for him to go to special camp despite the fact this coach delivers pizza at night to make ends meet (Penn State apparently does not pay big salaries). Maybe coaches always say that kind of thing. I do not know. I was no athlete, and I pretty much hated the jocks. All of them carry on about him a lot, give him awards for character, dedication, earlier for most improved. (He was fat and could not run around the block when he started, not he is 46 pounds lighter, solid muscle and runs 10 miles regularly just to stay in shape). I thought that kind of praise from coaches was unusual, but maybe not. This is the first of my kids to really be involved in sports, so I know next to nothing about coaches and all that. I do know they have a lot of influence over him.
You seem to have issues reading what you want to see instead of what is there. What I said is he is a good kid and that is one of the reasons the cops let him off easily, also it means he is not a problem kid (not like I was.). I never said nor implied it in any way lessens the severity of what he did. However you deal with different types of kids differently. A problem kid needs to be treated differently than one who has his act together. Perhaps I should just be ignoring this response, are you one of those posters who feels they have to attack anything anyone asks? I will have to go back and look to see. There are a lot of those on CD. Do you even have teen age kids?
Sorry, but now you are blaming another poster, and not your son. This is exactly what the poster was referring to.
You and the police saying he's a good kid is fine because nothing bad happened. But it could have, and then what would you be saying? "He didn't mean it, he's a good kid"? I have no problem with your assertion that you wish to treat each child differently, but you are seriously minimizing the potential of his actions here. That is a problem.
Your plan sounds like an appropriate punishment for someone who will be "on his own" at college in a year or two.
However, the fact that the police are "partial to athletes" is disgusting.
Perhaps if they were not, the teammate's sister would understand the consequences of her actions. Around here, the judge tells parents to take the teen's license for 3 weeks. Mandatory. Adults (18+) who provide alcohol to minors are charged fairly frequently. At the least, a phone call from you to those parents is in order.
One of my son's friends lost a basketball scholarship to a D-1 school because of a DUI arrest here. Accountability is very important at this age, or they may never get it.
Community-wise, it does not help when something like this is swept under the rug. But it sounds like you are doing what you can. The fact that his siblings are not in favor of this behavior will have a LOT of influence on him.
And I would be inclined to think the jury's should still be out on the new GF. Do you know her very well?
I am not sure the partiality thing is true, but I have heard it said several times. It is pretty stupid if true.
I am not sure what the judge will do. Lots of kids from the high school seem to get caught drinking and driving, but they are generally not the type of kids our kids hang out with, so I have never heard what happened to them.
They do not have scholarships in his sport, but he is in running for academic scholarships at some schools. I hope this will not impact that, but I will point out the possibility to him. I do know a girl in my daughters psychology program was told she may never be able to get a job because of a teenage DUI (unless she goes into social work).
Three weeks would be devastating. They mostly compete in other states and in Canada. Practice is 9 miles away and at 5 a.m. (He could probably ride his bike). He delivers pizza for a job.
Do not know the gf at all met her once. She said hello and it is nice to meet you. She was polite. Seemed confident. He has only gone out with her twice, but he seems to really like her. We enlisted help of a boyfriend once to get a daughter to clean her room more often. It worked very well, but we knew him very well.
Sorry, but now you are blaming another poster, and not your son. This is exactly what the poster was referring to.
You and the police saying he's a good kid is fine because nothing bad happened. But it could have, and then what would you be saying? "He didn't mean it, he's a good kid"? I have no problem with your assertion that you wish to treat each child differently, but you are seriously minimizing the potential of his actions here. That is a problem.
No. You are wanting me to seriously minimize the problem because it fits your assumptions about people, so you are asserting what you want to be true even though you know nothing about it. However I am thinking it though, not just reacting and potentially going overboard. I have seen the impact of reacting without thinking things through and getting suggestions. It has the opposite of the intended effect.
I am blaming another poster Moderator Cut. I am still blaming my son for drinking and driving, but I am not mixing the two. (Although drinking and driving is also a caddish thing to do).
If something had happened, I would say the same thing. He is a good kid who did a really stupid thing. Frankly it makes no difference whether something bad happened or not. The "something bad" happened when he left the party. I am glad no one got hurt, but it makes no difference in the action.
Again it appears you and the other poster do not have kids. there is a difference in dealing with good kids and with trouble kids. For some kids mere disapproval is devastating. For some disapproval is expected and really has no impact. He did a bad thing, but he is still a good kid. He is not headed for prison because he drank and drove once. If that were the case 94% of my hs class woudl be in prison. However there is a difference between a good kid getting in trouble once and a kid who is in trouble weekly. A big difference.
Last edited by Jaded; 07-29-2013 at 08:08 PM..
Reason: Name calling.
They took his license away and the keys and brought them to me (at 3 a.m.). I am certainly not tacitly approving his behavior. However destroying him entirely ruining his chances for college and pursuing his talents is overrating and foolish. That is what I am looking for. Where is that balance between sufficient response and foolish overreaction? Notwithstanding our other kids not being in any trouble, I did learn the importance of balance with teens. Overreact, and you will cause the exact opposite effect of what you are trying to do. That is exactly what my parents did. The more crushing their discipline, the more I ignored it and went the opposite direction.
But the appropriate response for drunk driving is loss of license and a criminal record.
Your child is already getting away with a crime.
If you don't come down hard, he learns literally nothing.
No. You are wanting me to seriously minimize the problem because it fits your assumptions about people, so you are asserting what you want to be true even though you know nothing about it. However I am thinking it though, not just reacting and potentially going overboard. I have seen the impact of reacting without thinking things through and getting suggestions. It has the opposite of the intended effect.
I am blaming another poster. I am still blaming my son for drinking and driving, but I am not mixing the two. (Although drinking and driving is also a caddish thing to do).
Again it appears you and the other poster do not have kids. there is a difference in dealing with good kids and with trouble kids. For some kids mere disapproval is devastating. For some disapproval is expected and really has no impact. He did a bad thing, but he is still a good kid. He is not headed for prison because he drank and drove once. If that were the case 94% of my hs class woudl be in prison. However there is a difference between a good kid getting in trouble once and a kid who is in trouble weekly. A big difference.
He is not headed to prison this time because he did not kill anyone this time. If he had this would be a totally different conversation we're having. I think you are letting the "good kid" you see in him cloud your judgement on the seriousness of this. I have a 20yo and a newly permitted 15yo, who are both great kids, and upstanding students (since you seem to be looking for resumes) and they would be in serious deep water including losing that coveted license for a while.
First I would ask the police why they did not give him a DUI.
After that he would have no vehicle at all because it would be sold and he would not be driving my vehicle either.
He would also have no sports or other activities and I would not cart him around either, he can ride a bicycle or use public transportation.
When he is 18 he can move out and play by his own rules but not while he lived in my house.
PS ~~ Don't put the "parenting" part of this on his girlfriend, she has nothing to do with any of it and should not be put into the position "of getting on him about it". Not her job nor her responsibility.
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