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I just wonder if I am alone in this. I am in my late 40's with a preschooler. Sometimes when I take him somewhere and there are a lot of other moms (school, playgroup, class, etc), and it's expected that moms will socialize a little, I start to feel like an outsider and get really uncomfortable. I'm not normally a really shy person and can usually talk to people I don't know, but in these cases it's been a group of younger women (like no one within 2 decades of me) where I didn't know anyone. I don't know if it's just a little social anxiety from not knowing anyone, or if I really am an outsider because I'm older. Or both. If I do manage to talk to someone at these events, I often feel like I just can't connect. Any other older moms have this feeling? What about younger moms - would you talk to me at one of these events or do you tend to prefer younger women?
I'm sorry no one has responded yet. I had the opposite issue as you, as I was 19 when we had our first son. I was snubbed by mom's older than me, even if my life and situation were more stable and comfortable than theirs was.
It does seem, though, that it is becoming a lot more common for couples to wait until their 30's or even their 40's before starting a family/having kids. So I bet if you looked around a little more, you could find some mom's closer to your age whom you could share experiences with.
I've never cared how old or young other moms are/were. What matters to me is how polite or intelligent they seem. I also watch carefully to see how they interacted with their kids. What turns me off more than anything else are the parents that just turn their kids loose and let them go, while they sit there and gossip or fiddle with their phones or stick their nose in a book or whatever. I was always drawn to the moms who actually engaged with their kids, kept a good eye on them, and spoke to their kids and the others around them in a respectful and dignified way. It doesn't matter how old or young you are, it's more about personality and manners/behavior, confidence, etc.
Believe me I can relate. I was 35 when my first child was born and I felt rather alone in some situations but we were active in a church and after awhile it didn't seem to manner too much.
However when I was 55 DH and I adopted two babies. Besides everybody thinking we were crazy the social isolation has been terrible. We no longer live in that community but it probably wouldn't matter. We also no longer want to get into church politics or even attend. Again I doubt it would matter. Even in my progressive community now, I am considered a freak. Sometimes I see people look at our family with confused look and it's not just because our girls are of a different race. Moms just don't know how to relate to me. I feel I have a great deal to offer new friends. I don't offer advice or try to act like Been There, Done That but I realize I am the age or older than their own Moms and it is awkward for everybody.
I feel pretty isolated and lonely presently. DH is out of town 3 weeks out of every month, I'm the only SAHM on the street, no close girlfriends. May be why I'm so active on CD. Still I wouldn't trade my beautiful daughters for all the friendships in the world. Nobody can have it all.
I was an older stepmother - when I married my husband, I was 43 and his son was 11. Now - to me, that's not particularly "older" - or shouldn't be - because that would have made me only 33 when he was born, but apparently around here, people start a lot younger than that, because most of the moms were in their early thirties, not their forties.
I never did really develop any rapport with them, though there was no animosity or outright rudeness. I was friendly with a few of them, but it was only surface friendliness at events. Besides the age difference, there was also the step mother thing going on - and his mother was always at all these events. Now - people REALLY don't like her (unfortunately, she has a reputation for being a serious troublemaker, drama queen, unethical person, etc) but she was also so "on point" for drama and the opportunity for drama, that I do think that was part of the issue. So I just attended everything, supported my step son, but laid low generally.
To be honest, I am glad those days are over (he's now away at college). Now I just have to get through his college graduation, marriage, and grandchildren with this horrible woman! LOL
But seriously - I do think that with many mothers with an age difference of ten years or more, there's some sort of disconnect. For instance, their phones never seem to leave their hands. They're constantly texting or distracted by their phones...and I don't like that. There seems to be a loss of "the art of conversation" that I enjoyed so much when my own kids were younger and all the moms would get together.
Believe me I can relate. I was 35 when my first child was born and I felt rather alone in some situations but we were active in a church and after awhile it didn't seem to manner too much.
However when I was 55 DH and I adopted two babies. Besides everybody thinking we were crazy the social isolation has been terrible. We no longer live in that community but it probably wouldn't matter. We also no longer want to get into church politics or even attend. Again I doubt it would matter. Even in my progressive community now, I am considered a freak. Sometimes I see people look at our family with confused look and it's not just because our girls are of a different race. Moms just don't know how to relate to me. I feel I have a great deal to offer new friends. I don't offer advice or try to act like Been There, Done That but I realize I am the age or older than their own Moms and it is awkward for everybody.
I feel pretty isolated and lonely presently. DH is out of town 3 weeks out of every month, I'm the only SAHM on the street, no close girlfriends. May be why I'm so active on CD. Still I wouldn't trade my beautiful daughters for all the friendships in the world. Nobody can have it all.
WOW. I can relate to you on so many levels. My husband is also out of town for two weeks out of each month, and honestly, I feel isolated sometimes as well. I don't have two small kids, but I do have grandchildren of many different races (we are truly an international family, with military, spouses of different races, adoptions, etc) and I think the varying colors and ethnicities of people visiting our house completely freaks some of my neighbors out - as well as people in the church we sporadically attend. Consequently, I have found it very hard to bond with people in this area (we moved here 8 years ago).
Just last night I spent three hours trying to find information on some local classes, or activities - heck even a COUNTRY CLUB - I could join in order to find some people with common interests - travel, art, history, writing, etc. The pickings are very slim.
my neighbor is the "older mom" (adopted infant in her early 40s). She was employed, but spent a lot of time with school, scouting, etc activities. She became friends with the other "active" moms regardless of age.
Thank you Kathryn. Hard sometimes but I never let my daughters know. I would hate for them to ever feel responsible and of course they are not. it was our choice and we knew it wouldn't be easy. Still I did not know he would be away so much and in essence I would be a 67 year old single mother of two preteens! The plan was for him to retire at 70 but here he is almost 74 and he just can't bring himself to fully retire. We are thinking he may not have much choice pretty soon and we are getting ready for part time work but still all of that will be out of town. I'll be OK. Just a bit blue today as he just started out of town assignment for 2 weeks after being home for 3 weeks.
I am 38 and have an almost 3 year old and twins who will be turning 1 soon. The community I live in most women are younger and start their families younger. I don't have any super great friends, but I do go to moms groups and fortunately have not experienced any trouble connecting.
I find it easier to connect over common issues and commisserating with one another. No matter how old you are, we are still going through the same things together.
That being said, I struggle to meet moms and close friends because I have different interests than a lot of people here, do not attend the dominant church, and I work full time so can't go to many of the events for moms/kids that take place during the work day. And unfortunately, there are not a lot of activities on the weekends.
I had my oldest at 37, my youngest at 40. I can't say I have ever had problems with parents of different ages, but my social circle consists of people of varied ages too. One can't get along with everyone, regardless of age or parental status.
I am 38 and have an almost 3 year old and twins who will be turning 1 soon. The community I live in most women are younger and start their families younger. I don't have any super great friends, but I do go to moms groups and fortunately have not experienced any trouble connecting.
I find it easier to connect over common issues and commisserating with one another. No matter how old you are, we are still going through the same things together.
That being said, I struggle to meet moms and close friends because I have different interests than a lot of people here, do not attend the dominant church, and I work full time so can't go to many of the events for moms/kids that take place during the work day. And unfortunately, there are not a lot of activities on the weekends.
Understood, but think about this - I am decade older even than you with a child about the same age. Maybe that's different? I'm not sure.
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