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This is pretty typical for middle school. The kids are all maturing at different times, and the less mature kids definitely have a more difficult time. The teachers are very unlikely to get involved, and even if they did, I'm not sure what they could do. It will eventually work itself out.
It's possible there is nothing that can be done. Kids do change as they get older and a group that genuinely had things in common in elementary school may grow apart. It happens. He may have to look for a new group of friends. One thing I think helps is to have a "group" to belong to. That can be a sports team, band, drama club, whatever. Often groups like that will have events that will foster and encourage friendships--football games, concerts, trips.
But I wouldn't dismiss the comment that "everyone tells him he is annoying." It is possible that some group mentality is going on--that one kid decided he's annoying and it spread through peer pressure to gang up on someone. But it's also possible he is in fact behaving in a way that is socially inappropriate and off-putting to be around.
And that's one thing that checking in with his teachers could help with. Maybe you don't get helpful comments from all, but they might be able to mention things they've noticed, like if he monopolizes conversations, or if his behavior seems less mature than "average" for the age. I don't think any of them would get actively involved, nor would you want them to, but they could clue you in as to whether they've noticed anything.
When I said "talk to his teacher' I was thinking about maybe the teacher could explain to you that this is a difficult time for 6th graders and that it will probably sort it out on its own. Maybe the teacher could tell OP what some of his annoying behaviors are or maybe tell OP there is absolutely nothing annoying about the boy at all.
I asked my daughter today who she sits with and she said she made some new friends when they had assigned seats and that she likes them. She did not mention if this would be only for the first 6 weeks. Her principal has been on the job 20 years and has won many accolades so i feel confident she knows what is best.
My daughter is very shy and I hate to think of her roaming around the cafeteria with her lunch tray wondering where she will sit.
This was my experience for my first few weeks of junior high. What changed is that I found one, and only one, acquaintance to sit with and begin a conversation, and my social life branched out from there.
If your son has been told that he is annoying, then he needs to evaluate what he knows his peers think of him so he can turn that around. Let's face it, being an individual only gets you so far in life and you have to start doing things to get people to like you. If he can show changes to the kids he already knows, he may be able to start hanging out with them.
Middle school is typically when kids start realizing their identity and they will start gravitating to a certain group of people, and often more than one group of people, according to likes, and I'm not talking about cliques. Because of this, your son will likely find kids to hang out with.
My youngest son started middle school this fall. As I was having dinner with him tonight, I began to ask him who he sits with at lunch and how many friends from Elementary he has lots of classes with. We've talked about different classes before but I had never asked about lunch. He told me he sits with different people everyday. When I asked about the old kids he knows from middle school he started getting really quiet and said he didn't sit with them. So I brought up some kids from other Elementary schools that he has had on his baseball teams etc. He said he didn't sit with them either, that he just sits where ever. The more we talked the more visibly upset he got and finally told me that everyone tells him that he is annoying and nobody wants to be around him. As a mother, this tore out my heart. While middle school should be fun and a time to meet new people and make new friends as well as keep old ones, my son feels like he has no friends. I can imagine his sweet little face sitting at any table with a vacancy even if he knows no one at that table and eating alone, being ignored while the entire cafeteria is loud with people enjoying each other. My son finally curled up in bed and cried and all I could do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. Does ANYONE have any advice for us? My two older sons never had this problem and I want my youngest to be happy and feel liked. What in the world do I do?
Ask your 2 older sons for advice on transitioning to Middle School. Also, ask them to help their younger brother out. Maybe some of their friends have little brothers/ sisters who could hang out with your youngest.
Didn't read everything here but my thoughts are to get him in activities that will bond him to like-minded kids. Or get him a motorcycle. That'll make him popular!
As a mom, you have zero control over what happens during the school day. The teachers and counselors may help a bit, but there is only so much they can do.
My advice is to tell your son that this can happen to anyone, and relate some stories of hard times you or his dad had in middle school.
Get him to join some sports or clubs to help build his social calendar. If you are religious, attend church and youth activities.
Set up cool playdates with his previous friends to carting events, laser tag, etc...
Find out what the "cool" clothing trends are and have him wear them. Yes it is superficial and stupid that these things matter, but they do matter in middle school.
Build up friendships with kids from other schools or grades if all else fails. Host a block party in your neighborhood and invite all the neighbors and their children. Then invite them to play at other times. Make your house the "cool" hangout spot.
Realize that this time will pass and he will have friends and survive middle school.
Good luck!
I think the teachers might be able to shed some light without feeling as though they are being asked to take care of it. (which they wont) My dd's teachers did tell me a few tidbits that led me to believe that my daughter was not miserable 100% of the time in middle school so IMHO it was worth the effort.
Middle school friendships DO shift constantly, sometimes with unexpected results. The friend my daughter lost one day and was heartbroken over would turn out to be not a nice person the next week. That breakup would enable my dd to seek out others.
I would start building confidence one friend at a time. Suggest to your son that there might be others at loose ends just like him. He may not be noticing them because he is worrying about who he isn't sitting with, rather than thinking about who ELSE might not be sitting with anyone. he may have struck up a conversation with Joe in Science class or noticed that Fred in PE has an interest in ___________. Once he has thought of someone who might potentially be a friend, plan an activity/outing that would include that new person. You might have to call the parents to arrange it OR let him do it. That is hard to negotiate at this age,they are used to us doing it for them and therefore cushioning the rejection. He will need to learn this skill but don''t focus on it now, just ask him how he wants to handle it. Pizza or taco night with the family followed by bowling or the arcade...supervise tactfully and keep the activity short so they'll not get bored of each other and/or know if they want to hang out again. If the other kid isn't interested, model an appropriate response (oh, well, maybe another time) and move on.
OMG, Sounds like dating.
You can model this process and steer him through it. It will only take a few new buddies to help him form his own group if needed or just a few friends, whatever is right for him. Then his self esteem will take the lead for him.
I have girls and they have both gone through this. One was shunned because she didn't follow the fashion trends.Friends she had all through grade school didnt want to be her friend. They are both shy, so people don't flock to them. One said she often eats alone because none of her friends from last year want to sit with her. One kid started telling other kids not to talk to my daughter because she is weird, so a group of kids now avoids her and tells her she's weird. It is a very tough age for most, and as a mom to 4 and a teacher for 15 years, I can say that kids are mean. You can have a best friend one minute and they wont talk to you the next if you do anything they don't agree with. I agree middle school is the worst. I've encouraged my girls to try to be more outgoing without being annoying, but they are like me-pretty quiet around people we don't know. the quiet ones do often get picked on and isolated. Sometimes the ones that get picked on really are odd-like the kid that is too silly, too immature, too gross, etc. but that often isnt the case.
So true. And it often will take one alpha bully to deem someone "annoying" or "weird" and the followers follow suit. Your son may not be annoying at all. I know it is heartbreaking to picture your child eating alone and being shunned. It can do some real damage to self esteem. I would suggest helping him find an interest or activity that he is good at and encourage it to the max. Some parents have found karate or other martial arts to be excellent for fostering confidence. If he feels good about himself and projects that to others, he may suddenly find himself no longer considered annoying.
While middle school should be fun and a time to meet new people and make new friends as well as keep old ones,
Says who? I would guess that middle school is the low point in most children's lives. If your son is not getting severely bullied, thats probably the best news. Because that was common when I was in junior high school.
It sounds like your son does have some problems that you should help him work out. But honestly it doesn't sound like it's the end of the world or anything. Just help him come up with some plans for making friends, and he should be fine.
My youngest son started middle school this fall. As I was having dinner with him tonight, I began to ask him who he sits with at lunch and how many friends from Elementary he has lots of classes with. We've talked about different classes before but I had never asked about lunch. He told me he sits with different people everyday. When I asked about the old kids he knows from middle school he started getting really quiet and said he didn't sit with them. So I brought up some kids from other Elementary schools that he has had on his baseball teams etc. He said he didn't sit with them either, that he just sits where ever. The more we talked the more visibly upset he got and finally told me that everyone tells him that he is annoying and nobody wants to be around him. As a mother, this tore out my heart. While middle school should be fun and a time to meet new people and make new friends as well as keep old ones, my son feels like he has no friends. I can imagine his sweet little face sitting at any table with a vacancy even if he knows no one at that table and eating alone, being ignored while the entire cafeteria is loud with people enjoying each other. My son finally curled up in bed and cried and all I could do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. Does ANYONE have any advice for us? My two older sons never had this problem and I want my youngest to be happy and feel liked. What in the world do I do?
That really hurts -- as a parent, it can almost hurt you more than it hurts him.
I went through a little of that with my oldest son when he was in elementary grades. He told me the other kids wouldn't play with him, he didn't know how to make friends with them.
We had some discussions on how you make friends, I asked him questions and it turned out he was trying to join up with established groups, but he also wanted to be "the leader". It seemed like they were letting him play and join in until he started trying to suggest other games or whatever because he wanted to be one of the deciders.
I told him to quit doing that -- and he replied he wanted to be a leader so I told him then in that case, he needed to start up his own group. He needed to look around and find other kids that don't have anyone to play with, and it's easy to make friends by being a friend, ask kids that look lonely about their lives, ask them if they have a dog or a cat, what video games they like, what music they like --- in other words not to make it about him but about them. First he didn't want to take this approach because he wanted to be friends with the popular kids -- but I told him that the non-popular kids can actually be more interesting and they can make better and truer friends in the end. His problem wasn't shyness, if anything he was an extrovert so starting conversations wasn't his problem.
He began to try it --- just going up to kids alone on the edge of the playground and in the cafeteria and by middle school he was pretty popular and very popular in high school because he was friends with everyone.
I think the problem is they look at certain other popular kids and can't figure out how to be like those other kids, and they can't figure out how to fit into already established groups but they can look around and see other kids in their same spot and start with them.
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That'll make him popular!
