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My youngest son started middle school this fall. As I was having dinner with him tonight, I began to ask him who he sits with at lunch and how many friends from Elementary he has lots of classes with. We've talked about different classes before but I had never asked about lunch. He told me he sits with different people everyday. When I asked about the old kids he knows from middle school he started getting really quiet and said he didn't sit with them. So I brought up some kids from other Elementary schools that he has had on his baseball teams etc. He said he didn't sit with them either, that he just sits where ever. The more we talked the more visibly upset he got and finally told me that everyone tells him that he is annoying and nobody wants to be around him. As a mother, this tore out my heart. While middle school should be fun and a time to meet new people and make new friends as well as keep old ones, my son feels like he has no friends. I can imagine his sweet little face sitting at any table with a vacancy even if he knows no one at that table and eating alone, being ignored while the entire cafeteria is loud with people enjoying each other. My son finally curled up in bed and cried and all I could do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. Does ANYONE have any advice for us? My two older sons never had this problem and I want my youngest to be happy and feel liked. What in the world do I do?
First it's the beginning of school. Usually these things sort out over a few months. In order to not make him feel worse try to approach it matter of factly.
Many boys, especially young ones who are youngest in the family tend to be less "mature" than their peers. So help him identify what he was doing that was "annoying" to his peers. Might be as easy a fix as that. New middle schoolers can be very aware of their status as new middle schoolers and want to not appear "babyish" anymore. That should relax to some degree over the next month or so.
My youngest son started middle school this fall. As I was having dinner with him tonight, I began to ask him who he sits with at lunch and how many friends from Elementary he has lots of classes with. We've talked about different classes before but I had never asked about lunch. He told me he sits with different people everyday. When I asked about the old kids he knows from middle school he started getting really quiet and said he didn't sit with them. So I brought up some kids from other Elementary schools that he has had on his baseball teams etc. He said he didn't sit with them either, that he just sits where ever. The more we talked the more visibly upset he got and finally told me that everyone tells him that he is annoying and nobody wants to be around him. As a mother, this tore out my heart. While middle school should be fun and a time to meet new people and make new friends as well as keep old ones, my son feels like he has no friends. I can imagine his sweet little face sitting at any table with a vacancy even if he knows no one at that table and eating alone, being ignored while the entire cafeteria is loud with people enjoying each other. My son finally curled up in bed and cried and all I could do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. Does ANYONE have any advice for us? My two older sons never had this problem and I want my youngest to be happy and feel liked. What in the world do I do?
Well first. Expectation readjustment time. Middle school is NOT a fun time to meet new people and make friends. Middle school is miserable. These people are trying to make the transition from child to young adult. They handle it with varying degrees of success. The number of truly obnoxious kids that my son tells me about is mind boggling. I hesitate to use the word bully because it is so overused. But I don't see rampant pantsing, throwing things at other peoples heads, name calling as friendly, regardless of whether or not one would call it bullying.
That said, even your son's former friends are telling him he is obnoxious. EVERYone. Now it might be group think and isolation. If that is the case, he should keep his eyes out for other isolated kids. The overweight kids who get picked on in PE, the "brainy" kid that the other kids cannot understand because he can actually speak English properly... But usually when this kind of thing happens, there is at least one friend who won't follow the crowd and will stand by their friend. So that seems unlikely.
But it is time to stifle your protective instinct and really look at your child. If he does have obnoxious habits, you can help re-establish expectations at home that let him know that that behavior is not appreciated by those around him.
Keep your eyes peeled, without LOOKING like you are since you don't want to make him paranoid with any paranoia of yours, for bullying. Bullies seek out isolated kids with no defense network.
And when you cry because it is frustrating and scary, do it alone. He needs Mom to show confidence that he can weather this storm because he is your smart, awesome, caring, fun son. But this is a tough one, no doubt.
The more we talked the more visibly upset he got and finally told me that everyone tells him that he is annoying and nobody wants to be around him. As a mother, this tore out my heart.
I'm sorry your son is having a hard time. It's always difficult for us when our kids are hurting. One thing you can do for your son is identify what behaviors your son is engaging in that other kids find annoying. You can help him recognize those behaviors.
I would talk to his teachers. They should be willing to help you figure out what it is he is doing wrong or if he simply has not given it enough time yet. I'm sure this is not a rare problem.
My daughter started 6th grade too. I can tell a difference in many aspects of her personality. First the homework seems to be about twice as much as elementary school and she is a top notch student. 2nd she is caring more about her appearance, trying a new hair style, not wanting to wear something I think is cute but she doesn't like and 3rd the physical aspect of middle school classes, PE every day, lockers, instrument to carry around, etc.
Middle school is fraught with hormones, changes and new challenges all of which would make even the most confident kid curl up and cry.
Well first. Expectation readjustment time. Middle school is NOT a fun time to meet new people and make friends. Middle school is miserable. These people are trying to make the transition from child to young adult. They handle it with varying degrees of success. The number of truly obnoxious kids that my son tells me about is mind boggling. I hesitate to use the word bully because it is so overused. But I don't see rampant pantsing, throwing things at other peoples heads, name calling as friendly, regardless of whether or not one would call it bullying.
That said, even your son's former friends are telling him he is obnoxious. EVERYone. Now it might be group think and isolation. If that is the case, he should keep his eyes out for other isolated kids. The overweight kids who get picked on in PE, the "brainy" kid that the other kids cannot understand because he can actually speak English properly... But usually when this kind of thing happens, there is at least one friend who won't follow the crowd and will stand by their friend. So that seems unlikely.
But it is time to stifle your protective instinct and really look at your child. If he does have obnoxious habits, you can help re-establish expectations at home that let him know that that behavior is not appreciated by those around him.
Keep your eyes peeled, without LOOKING like you are since you don't want to make him paranoid with any paranoia of yours, for bullying. Bullies seek out isolated kids with no defense network.
And when you cry because it is frustrating and scary, do it alone. He needs Mom to show confidence that he can weather this storm because he is your smart, awesome, caring, fun son. But this is a tough one, no doubt.
Best of luck!
I agree with this. How you approach this is VERY important, mom.
One of my sons did this all through middle school. He traveled from group to group. He is a high school junior now, and he still does it. He has 1 or 2 close friends, but it's not like "BFF time."
The thing is ... in middle school, "groups" are constantly changing. Yesterday's "friend" ignores you today. You have to stay positive for your son, and you have to begin to separate. Don't jump to the worst case scenario. Yes, I have felt those feelings you described, but you can't solve this for him.
Also, if middle school kids are telling you you're annoying, you're doing SOMETHING annoying. Do you spend extended time with him while he's in a group? Like a church/Scout group or sports team? Do you get to see him interact with peers? We can recognize annoying behaviors even in our own kids. I noticed my kid was "one-upping" people when they would tell stories, so I had to teach him how to listen and participate without doing that.
Hang in there. Your characterization of the cafeteria as a place full of happy kids excluding your son is not entirely accurate. Just because they're sitting together doesn't mean it's all rosy. Most kids this age are trying their best to be liked. It is difficult to get through, but not overreacting is your best tactic.
OP I have to disagree with this. By middle school, the teachers and administration don't expect to be teaching the kids social skills, right or wrong. That job is supposed to be done in elementary school. You don't be doing your son any favors with his peers if he winds up with a Mamma's boy, run to the teacher reputation.
OP I have to disagree with this. By middle school, the teachers and administration don't expect to be teaching the kids social skills, right or wrong. That job is supposed to be done in elementary school. You don't be doing your son any favors with his peers if he winds up with a Mamma's boy, run to the teacher reputation.
HE can work this out with guidance from you.
Agree. The teachers won't get involved. My kids both went through middle school, and the principal, at parents night, told us it would be the worst 3 years of our life. LOL how right he was.
It's a difficult age, and as other posters mentioned, kids are constantly changing friends and groups. Help your son figure out who he is and who he wants to be with. See if he has something about him that is annoying (could just be him being nervous about all of this). Do not show fear -- you need to work on installing confidence in him at this point. It will take time, but most kids to adapt. My oldest daughter changed lunch tables about 20 times in the first month! Then she found a group of new friends and stuck with them the rest of middle school.
This is pretty typical for middle school. The kids are all maturing at different times, and the less mature kids definitely have a more difficult time. The teachers are very unlikely to get involved, and even if they did, I'm not sure what they could do. It will eventually work itself out.
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