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I'm defensive because I know deep in my heart that I was his *Dad* since he was 6-7 years old. I give you a short laundry list of things that I think are reflective of love and support, and you call them "commendable."
Look, I am of course aware that some men choke on the "I love you" phrase and are more comfortable showing their love through their actions. You obviously believe he should "know" you love him simply because you've done all these things "for him".
But sometimes the intended message in our actions does not come through, for a number of reasons.
One of the reasons can be that the demeanor of the person performing the actions is not loving itself.
You need to check yourself here - take a good look in the mirror. When was the last time you approached this kid in a loving manner? In a way that communicated to him that you actually LIKE him even?
I'm defensive because I know deep in my heart that I was his *Dad* since he was 6-7 years old.
Listen. They all turn to into some level of sh*t when they're teenagers. He'll be back if you tone it down. What you do in these next couple of years can solidify him being gone forever or eventually coming back around because he misses the relationship you had together before his hormones started raging.
I also recommend you take your wife out to lunch and have a talk with her away from the children. Going to a neutral location impresses the seriousness of your feelings and also helps you both retain your manners since you're in public. Before doing this, reflect and consider what's truly important. The main goals. This meeting is more about your marriage and parenting. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her you want to be on the same page and come to decisions together. You need to do this for son, but also for your daughter because she's going to put you both threw the ringer when she is a teenager.
Let me share something with you. He will be an adult soon. It's important you start treating him as an adult now as much as possible. Think of how you would talk to your friends. I know you don't think he deserves that level of respect. But giving respect goes a long way to getting respect. Soon he should be able to say he's going away on a camping trip with anyone he darn pleases. A lot of parents permit that in the senior year so their children have an opportunity to experience independence prior to it being official. It's not like they can suddenly be under your rule and the next day they are independent. You have to start giving that before they turn 18.
There are some members who will post in the next few days about taking control, punishing him severely, kicking him to the street. They are hard ass parents with serious attitudes towards parenting. I hope you don't take those posts as validation for going Rambo with your frustration. They aren't going to be taking into consideration that your marriage could be at risk if you take their advice.
Look, I am of course aware that some men choke on the "I love you" phrase and are more comfortable showing their love through their actions. You obviously believe he should "know" you love him simply because you've done all these things "for him".
But sometimes the intended message in our actions does not come through, for a number of reasons.
One of the reasons can be that the demeanor of the person performing the actions is not loving itself.
You need to check yourself here - take a good look in the mirror. When was the last time you approached this kid in a loving manner? In a way that communicated to him that you actually LIKE him even?
Listen. They all turn to some level of sh*t when they're teenagers. He'll be back if you tone it down. What you do in these next couple of years can solidify him being gone forever or eventually coming back around because he misses the relationship you had together before his hormones started raging.
I also recommend you take your wife out to lunch and have a talk with her away from the children. Going to a neutral location impresses the seriousness of your feelings and also helps you both retain your manners since you're in public. Before doing this, reflect and consider what's truly important. The main goals. This meeting is more about your marriage. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her you want to be on the same page and come to decisions together. You need to do this for your daughter's sake because she's going to put you both threw the ringer when she is a teenager.
Let me share something with you. He will be an adult soon. It's important you start treating him as an adult now as much as possible. Think of how you would talk to your friends. I know you don't think he deserves that level of respect. But giving respect goes a long way to getting respect. Soon he should be able to say he's going away on a camping trip with anyone he darn pleases. A lot of parents permit that in the senior year so their children have an opportunity to experience independence prior to it being official. It's not like they can suddenly be under your rule and the next day they are independent. You have to start giving that before they turn 18.
There are some members who will post in the next few days about taking control, punishing him severely, kicking him to the street. They are hard ass parents with serious attitudes towards parenting. I hope you don't take those posts as validation for going Rambo with your frustration. They aren't going to be taking into consideration that your marriage could be at risk if you take their advice.
Thanks for taking time with a meaningful post. I "repped" you for that.
Listen.
Let me share something with you. He will be an adult soon. It's important you start treating him as an adult now as much as possible. Think of how you would talk to your friends. I know you don't think he deserves that level of respect. But giving respect goes a long way to getting respect. Soon he should be able to say he's going away on a camping trip with anyone he darn pleases. A lot of parents permit that in the senior year so their children have an opportunity to experience independence prior to it being official. It's not like they can suddenly be under your rule and the next day they are independent. You have to start giving that before they turn 18.
THIS.
You simply cannot treat a 17 year old like a 10 year old and expect a great outcome.
The time for parenting was over a few years ago. It's now time for MENTORING.
I don't think it's that. His post would have been more focused on his wife. It's normal to be frustrated when you're not on the same parenting page. In step family relationships it can be magnified. He has endured being castrated as a father for many years. He's just fed up and frustrated. He still loves her and adores the relationship they have with their daughter. When he said leave, I believe he meant as a wakeup call to his wife. I don't believe he meant permanently, but it could backfire and end up permanent if he did.
It's not "his" wife, it's "the" wife. Like "the" car, or "the" couch.
rbryant? He is a 17 year old MALE teenager! You are stepping on his "toes" in his mind. Remember when you where 17? You have two options which are let him be or keep trying to parent him. I suggest you let him be since he will find out soon enough what the real world is like.
I agree you and your wife need to go out and talk about being on the same page concerning your step-son. She might feel you are being too harsh, you feel she's being too loose, so you both have to find things you agree on. And maybe she needs to step up the discipline...
As for the sex, sit the kid down, tell him you KNOW he's having sex and give him some condoms unless you want to be a grandfather! When I had my brother living with me in his teens I was like if you need condoms just ask, do NOT bring home a pregnant girl! I will kill you
Is there anything about this young man you respect and admire? It just seems like you expect the worst out of him all the time and jump down his throat for even minor issues.
Try to see things more positively: he doesn't drink or do drugs, he has an interest in sports, he has a job...how are his grades? I assume they are ok because you didn't mention them in your laundry list of his crimes.
OK, he has sex with his girlfriend. But he is 17, not 15. He is a few months from adulthood. He is certainly old enough to go on an overnight campout with his friends, or to spend the night with his girlfriend if her parents are ok with it. Have you talked to him candidly about condoms? Does he feel he needs to sneak around because he can't be honest with you about normal teenaged behavior? Maybe you should tell him there is no need to be so secretive, but he does need to be safe and responsible.
Seems to me it is time for a sit down talk with him. Let him know you will loosen the reins a bit if he does his part--keeps food out of his room and obeys a reasonable curfew. Allow him some input into the new rules.
Have you met his girlfriend? It might be a good idea to integrate her into your family a little, get to know her and build some trust.
You also need to start guiding him supportively toward his future. This is a scary time for teens--the end of high school is coming and adulthood looms. He needs to know you are on his side and want to help him. Find out what HE wants, and let him make a plan you can get behind.
He seems like he could be a good kid, if you make more of an effort to understand him rather than cussing at him. Don't you think?
It's not too late to build a better relationship with this young man, and now is the best time.
I was thinking the same thing. It seems as though he hates the boy. Every defeat and failure seem to bring him joy, because the prove his point.
As for the sex, sit the kid down, tell him you KNOW he's having sex and give him some condoms unless you want to be a grandfather! When I had my brother living with me in his teens I was like if you need condoms just ask, do NOT bring home a pregnant girl! I will kill you
Heck, when my son was a senior in high school, his girlfriend's mom and I let them spend the night at one or the other's house on the weekend. They were both super-high achievers (she went to Stanford for college, and he got two scholarships), who were respectful to us and communicated very openly about their desire to do this so they wouldn't feel like they had to "sneak around" after school, etc. They were going backpacking together with friends during the summer, so you'd have had to have your head in the sand to think nothing was going on. We just made sure they were using reliable birth control. They broke up when they went off to different colleges but now they're both graduate students, and they're still friends. Maturity FTW!
Sometimes if you treat your older teen as a young adult-in-training, they'll actually appreciate the respect and trust shown them, and work with you on other things without so much defiance.
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