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DD is 11, has a slight learning disability but is very sweet and mostly hard working even though she struggles in school. Pre teen defiance has raised it's ugly head. We've had troubles with her not emptying her lunch box or book bag when she comes home from school. She sometimes "forgets" to give us notes from her teacher and vice versa. We find rotten bananas in her book bag. Now she is required to put her book bag at my feet when she comes home so we don't miss anything. She was punished with 2 weeks of no screen time-computer, TV, Wii after this particular issue ended up with our missing something really important. Then it was expanded to 3 weeks when her sister found unfinished homework in the trash.
She takes her punishment without complaint. I decided to make it a permanent policy that she hasno TV or computer or Wii during the week and very limited on the weekend and during breaks and to go to the reward system. When I catch her doing something particularly worthy I call her to me and give her back some of her beloved screen time. She likes that.
I detest potato chips. I think they are unhealthy but she likes them a lot. Her father does most of the grocery shopping and he buys them cause he likes them with a sandwich. I limited her to chips with a sandwich at lunch time but not at snack time when I always have fresh fruit available. Yesterday I saw her at the table doing her homework and asked her what she was having for snack. She told me grapes. Fine. She goes to the bathroom and I check her homework only to find a bowl of chips. I picked them up, put them in the trash and told her how disappointed i was not only in getting the chips but mainly for telling me a lie. I couldn't even talk to her anymore and left the room. Two hours later she asked if she could go outside to play ball with the dog and I asked her if she had finished her homework. She said yes. She played and then about 30 minutes before bedtime I asked her if she was ready for reading when she told me she had to finish her homework. Another lie. 2 in about 4 hours.
DH is out of town for the first time in 3 weeks. Could that have anything to do with it? I'm grasping for straws here. Any suggestions? I've taken away what she loves the most-screen time and playing outside with the neighbor girl for a week as punishment for another lie last week.
^^sounds good in theory but she is supposed to empty her lunch box every day so we can wash the plastic containers we use for sandwiches and fruit. If she doesn't then there is nothing to use the next day for her and her sister.
have you ever smelled a rotten banana in a book bag? It wasn't even in her lunch bag. For one thing it is a waste of good food and for another thing I'm not going to buy her a new book bag cause her bag is ruined with rotten food.
We are not controlling. Do you think asking these things is controlling/ Really? She chooses her own clothes and shoes, hair style, makes her own lunch every day, chooses if she wants to walk to school or get a ride, whether or not to wear a jacket and all sorts of choices she has. But when her chices or lack of consideration means difficulty for the rest of the family or problems with her teacher and incomplete homework then believe me, I will take over.
I think you're being a bit over-controlling and punishing too harshly. If the papers don't get turned in, what are the consequences? Let her experience them. You don't like chips but she does. So... let her eat some chips. Unless she's overweight or has high blood pressure it's not the end of the world.
The lying is troubling, but if she'd been doing homework for two hours she needed a break and going outside and playing with the dog sounds like fun. But if she had asked you, you would have said "no." Maybe try putting her in charge of her schedule within parameters? She has a bed time and she has homework to do and it needs to be done before she goes to bed, but maybe let her structure the best way to get it done?
And since she has learning difficulties, she may have put her homework in the trash out of sheer frustration. It's not a good response, but understandable in an 11-year-old. Does she feel comfortable coming to you for help with it?
And you put "forgets" in quotes, as if you think she didn't give you something on purpose. I forget things all the time. It happens and doesn't sound like a punishable offense to me.
I know that you are a very good and experienced parent. My guess is that whatever worked with your other kids isn't going to work with her. You're punishing when you may need to be trying to meet her needs in a different way.
^^sounds good in theory but she is supposed to empty her lunch box every day so we can wash the plastic containers we use for sandwiches and fruit. If she doesn't then there is nothing to use the next day for her and her sister.
It is going to suck for her if she doesn't get lunch because she did not take care of business, don't you think? If her sister is taking care of her own lunch box, then she should have her own materials.
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have you ever smelled a rotten banana in a book bag? It wasn't even in her lunch bag. For one thing it is a waste of good food and for another thing I'm not going to buy her a new book bag cause her bag is ruined with rotten food.
We are not controlling.
On this, I would disagree. You are trying to micromanage her instead of letting her take ownership.
Quote:
Do you think asking these things is controlling/ Really? She chooses her own clothes and shoes, hair style, makes her own lunch every day, chooses if she wants to walk to school or get a ride, whether or not to wear a jacket and all sorts of choices she has. But when her chices or lack of consideration means difficulty for the rest of the family or problems with her teacher and incomplete homework then believe me, I will take over.
But those aren't the issue, are they? The lunch box is. How is that working for you?
I think you're being a bit over-controlling and punishing too harshly. If the papers don't get turned in, what are the consequences? Let her experience them. You don't like chips but she does. So... let her eat some chips. Unless she's overweight or has high blood pressure it's not the end of the world.
The lying is troubling, but if she'd been doing homework for two hours she needed a break and going outside and playing with the dog sounds like fun. But if she had asked you, you would have said "no." Maybe try putting her in charge of her schedule within parameters? She has a bed time and she has homework to do and it needs to be done before she goes to bed, but maybe let her structure the best way to get it done?
The bolded. I'd do the same thing. What is with making kids doing homework all at once? why can't they break it up if it works for them? Heck, growing up, I didn't do my homework untill after dinner. After being in school for 7 hours, I NEEDED A BREAK. The world isn't going to end if homework isn't done right after school, or all at once. And what's the big deal about the occasional potato chip? Please, it's not going to have any long-lasting effect. Relax...
some very good points. Thank you all.
I hope I didn't say she was doing homework for 2 hours. I don't think it would take that long at all and I agree some exercise outside is what she needs. and she loves her little dog. The girls like to unwind with snack, TV-if allowed or computer or outside play before homework. I encourage that. Plus they have walked home for 20-25 minutes so they are probably tired.
This is a little girl who was abandoned as an infant in Vietnam. She was undernourished when we got her and I'm all about healthy at our house. I'm somewhat overweight and while they aren't I'm trying to instill healthy eating habits at a young age so that is my concern about potato chips. From what I've read they are about the worst snack in the world!
I will try to get her to talk to me about the lies she has told and see if we can work something out. she lied about the chips so we will come to some agreement about maybe how many chips or how many timews a week she can have something other than fruit and let her manage that. Their school (and me too) don't allow any junk food in lunches. I try to get then 3 fruits a day.
She lied about having finished her homework. I'll encourage her to get at least 2/3 done in one sitting (probably less than an hour), take a break and then get the rest done after dinner.
One of the problems with homework is she does not want us over her when she does it so we allow her to try on her own then we check it and usually find all sorts of problems. This makes homework twice as long as it needs to be. We have tried to get her to wait till one of us can be at the table and accessible to see she in on the right track before she messes up the whole paper and has to do it all over again. Both us us are extremely patient with her, don't belittle her for her mistakes, try to make it hands on with toothpicks, raisins, spoons, etc to help- her bigges problems are with math and reading comprehension.
I appreciate your taking the time to think about this and to give me suggestions.
One of the problems with homework is she does not want us over her when she does it so we allow her to try on her own then we check it and usually find all sorts of problems.
Have you considered letting her get failing grades on her homework? Better now than in high school!
I know that you are a very good and experienced parent. My guess is that whatever worked with your other kids isn't going to work with her. You're punishing when you may need to be trying to meet her needs in a different way.
That is so true. Out of 7 kids she is the only one with learning disabilities- in fact the only one not in gifted. I don't know how to deal with an average kid with learning disabilities. We have read books, talked to professionals and tried different ways of helping her. Old habits die hard. She has probably the sweetest disposition kids out of the 7 too. All her teachers consistently say they have never seen a kid try as hard as she does so it's not like we are dealing with a lazy or defiant kid. I feel so sorry for her and want to do the best for her. I found a great TED Talks about kids with grit which gave us so much hope. I will try to find it.
I started a new thread about IQ not being the only factor for success to get this TED Talks to as many as possible.
Have you considered letting her get failing grades on her homework? Better now than in high school!
Actually NO. She has repeated 1 grade and had to go to summer school every summer since 3rd grade so I would not let her fail anything. I don't think that would phase her really.
I'll tell you my biggest fear. She will hit middle school next year and I don't want her to be one of those young teens who gets her positive reinforcement from attention from boys. Middle school can be a mine field for the best of students but I fear a girl not having positive experience academically might be too much under the influence of boys. We had an epiphany this summer. I realized she would never be an academic standout like all her siblings so we had to find other areas to give her confidence. She loves to cook and bake so we encourage that. She loves to run so we are hoping she can take track in middle school. She's not much for sports and wanted to drop out of ballet after only l season. fine. I won't force her. I'm constantly looking for ways to praise her. Still she has to do her homework and she has to study. I just can't let it slide and I don't think she wants to let it slide. She likes to read comic books which we had trouble with but were told by educators that comics are fine. OK. Now I have asked her to make her own comic books. fun for awhile.lost interest.
we will keep trying. she is definitely worth it. whatever it takes.
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