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For those who feel weird about asking friends - I think you should go for it.
I would be honored to be asked to be a guardian to the children of some of friends.
From my understanding, if you don't have a guardian named, the state will look to immediate family. It would be more difficult for the state to give your children to a friend if you haven't explicitly stated that.
I am divorced, so if something happens to me the children will go to their dad.
Hopes, It is more my not wanting to curtail his career plans. He worked very hard and made terrific sacrifices to pursue his PhD in physics and has a post doc in Singapore. God only knows where his next post doc will take him. He was home in November and we talked some more about it. He knows what we want and seems willing but I hesitate because of the promise we made at the beginning. But looking at your statement "it's better than foster care" was rather unsettling. Since there is more than enough money to put them through school and get them on their own independant way I'm hoping it won't be such a burden. Still I have to admit I was hurt when their sister said she couldn't do it. Seems like the most logical choice but I'm certainly not going to force anything on her. I asked her again just a few months ago and she says she and her SO have no plans for marriage or kids and she still feels the same way. She adores her little sisters and goes out of her way to show it. She one time said (a few years ago) if they were adopted out (again) she hoped she could still be apart of their lives. But I'm sure she had unrealistic pictures of what that looked like and didn't consider they would be put in foster care.
You're viewing her brother's career (his happiness) as more important than her happiness. Give her credit for knowing her shortcomings. Until I was 28, I didn't want children because I knew I didn't have the patience. Once I matured, my opinion changed because I became more mellow with age. Also give her credit for being honest with you. She could have said yes and then refused after you died. Your children are most certainly better off with someone who enthusiastically wants to have them. That promise is irrelevant. Even though you made the promise to your daughter, you wouldn't hesitate to add her as guardian since you view it as less of an imposition in her life. You're giving the promise more weight to the son. He wants them. Since there is plenty of money, he can hire a nanny. He won't have to give up his career.
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Originally Posted by no kudzu
So how does this work anyway? Say two parents are killed simultaneously and no guardian is named in a will. Surely authorities would try to contact next of kin and family would make arrangements for the kids before they would be hauled off to foster care. I'm sure plenty of times unnamed kin steps forward to care of orphaned children. I'm also sure the state would much rather have the kids cared for by family instead of an already taxed foster care system.
Yes, they'll look for family first, but if nobody steps up to the plate, it's foster care. You're much better off listing potential guardians in your will, especially the ones that aren't family. Plus, you want to exclude family you consider to be unacceptable. Since you have wealth, you have the potential of the Jackson family crap happening---where someone takes your children so they can have access to the money. Since it sounds like your son will take hem regardless of your not having guardians listed in the will, it's illogical not to designate him as guardian.
Would you pre notify people on "the list", or let them be suprised if the time comes.
If you're too uncomfortable approaching people, there's nothing wrong with letting it be a surprise. You'll be dead anyway. And honestly, their answers to the question are only relevant at that very moment in time. Nothing they say now is written in stone. Some could say yes, and then later not be in a position to do it. Someone could say no right now, and develop very deep feelings for your family as the years progress. I think people believe they need to ask because they think the will requires a commitment. Nobody is committed to anything. Having guardians in your will merely allows the state to understand your wishes. The people in the will can accept or refuse.
As I explained in my previous post, you don't need to ask anyone's permission to add them as potential guardians because nobody is committed to your will.
A single-parent friend of mine did that. She listed me as guardian of her under-age child when she had her will drawn up. She told me about it after the fact. I was never asked my opinion on the subject. I was in my 20's and her son was about 13 and was, to put it mildly, a handful. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the proposition.
Grandparents are not really the best choice for most people due to age. I think you should consider asking a close friend. That's what I did. I also split guardianship and trust duties between friends so no one is just out for $$$. I think it's imperative that you name a guardian. This is the MOST important part of your will for any parent of minor children. You DO NOT want to leave these determinations to the state or a court. That would be a second devastation to your children.
We came up with a creative solution to this problem. We didn't want the children attached to the estate money---meaning someone using the children's money for themselves. We split guardianship and trust between our families. My sisters and her families were listed as guardians (along with godparents, and close friends), and we listed my husband's brother for the trust. If our children went to the godparents and close friends, my sisters were added to the trust list.
Add as many guardians as possible to your will. Kids will end up in foster care if the only guardian refuses guardianship. By listing everyone, the courts have a better chance of finding a placement suitable to you. Someone posted in this thead that they have a sister and brother-in-law listed as guardians but they aren't ideal. Aren't they better than foster care?
If not, get creative and list every single person you can imagine is a better option to foster care ---- friends, neighbors, other parents, coworkers, pastors, teachers, etc. You don't need to ask their permission ahead of time. Wills don't obligate anyone to take people's children. And anyone who says yes now can easily say no in the future (and anyone who says no now could say yes in the future.) By listing everyone you consider to be acceptable people with your morals, you give the courts options. The more recommended guardians on your list, the more likely one will say yes when the time comes.
Hopes - I found all of your posts well written and very informative. Recently my niece wrote up her desires for her daughter. There is no family in the state she lives in and no father in the picture. Although she doesn't know for sure where her daughter would go to be raised she has a pretty good idea. She listed family and friends in her order of importance. She also has a list of family who will NOT, under any circumstances, gain custody of her daughter. She has designated me the person who will see to it that her wishes are honored. We are very close and I know and agree with her regarding her "not" list and she trusts me to follow through.
Since she does live in another state (about 1300 miles away) she also has it written out the chain of custody so that her daughter is never taken into the state's care. That means one of her close friends where she lives can pick up the child from daycare, for example, and keep the child until I arrive to take custody. From there I handle the rest per my niece's wishes and will. This has all been written out in great detail through a lawyer.
Hopes, I totally agree with you to list everyone you can think of. It can't hurt.
I am not comfortable with not asking somebody before just listing them as possible guardians. I think it is extremely presumptive and I would never do it and would certainly not appreciate it if it was done to me. I have, however, been listed (years ago) after being consulted. I talked to my husband and together we met with the couple to outline what they wanted and to make sure everybody was on the same page. I can imagine a spouse of somebody listed as a guardian without first consulting them or the spouse would feel very uncomfortable as well.
I'm not sure how lenient North Carolina is. I would hope that the police or detectives that would be handling the case would be nice enough to not put your kids through that torture. God forbid you both were to pass at the same time, I would think that they would let the kids stay at a family-friends house.
When I was in elementary school, a close friend of mine went to live with a family-friend for a few months. Her mom died shortly after childbirth and her father had just gotten into a car accident and was in a coma (obviously unable to make decisions). This was in New York.
Grandma and grandpa aren't always the best choice because of their age.
A single-parent friend of mine did that. She listed me as guardian of her under-age child when she had her will drawn up. She told me about it after the fact. I was never asked my opinion on the subject. I was in my 20's and her son was about 13 and was, to put it mildly, a handful. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the proposition.
The polite thing to do is ask ahead of time.
I respect that's how you felt when she told you. That's why a list of alternatives is important---listing people in order of importance and also making it clear who children should not go to. Some people are afraid to ask because they afraid of the answer. You've shared a perfect example of why some people feel that way. Your friend must have thought you had a closer relationship than you did. There's no reason to put either side in an uncomfortable position that could cause hard feelings in a friendship. Anyone can easily say no to a lawyer when he/she calls. That's when the opinion is important---especially since people's opinions on this issue change through the years. Being in the will doesn't commit anyone. Since many people would say no (even if they say yes to your face), the more people on the list, the more likely the child will end up with someone the parents approve of.
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