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Not so much me, but my husband was furious at his mom for making such a spectacle and for not letting his grandma go in peace. He kept telling me that his poor grandma was probably worn out after 73 years of taking care of his mother. He hasn't spoken to his mom since the funeral. He lets the calls go to voicemail. The kids and I have to call and see how she's doing, since he won't. I keep trying to explain to him that there are stages of grief, and that can involve selfishness, but he says he lost all respect for his mother seeing her behave like that. (Also, he lost his dad last year and when he called his mom to tell her, all she could say was that she didn't give a s---.)
How awful of him! I could not be married to someone like that!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
About my user name, when I registered for the forum, we had a hedgehog with wobbly hedgehog syndrome, which is a progressive paralysis that eventually kills the hedgehog. I didn't even like the hedgehog, but when I let my kids adopt a pet, that means we will care for it for the rest of its life, no matter what happens. It took about a year from the first symptom (a dragging foot) to the point where the hedgehog couldn't walk or feed herself. I was feeding her with a syringe several times a day, wiping her little bottom with diaper wipes because she couldn't keep herself clean, flipping her over so she didn't get sore from laying on one side, etc. And that is how I came up with my user name, because everything I usually use was taken.
So by your way of thinking (that you can identify codependent mothers by their usernames saying "so-and-so's mom,") it's fair for us to assume you're more codependent with a hedgehog than your children. Got it.
How awful of him! I could not be married to someone like that!
There are too many years of pain and bitterness between my husband and his mom to really get into here...she was physically and emotionally abusive to him when he was growing up (he has scars on his back from being whipped with the buckle end of a belt, for example). He didn't talk to her for the first 11 or 12 years that I was married to him, but I suggested to him that talking to her again and being able to see her as a person, especially as a fragile old lady, would give him some closure. The problem is that she can't remember any of the abuse and she thinks he started talking to her again to be one big happy family. My mother was abusive also and pretends she can't remember any of the things she did, so I guess that's not unusual, but I have sisters who were there too and remember the things I remember.
Not every family is happy, not every mother is always right, sometimes you have to climb out of the wreckage of your childhood and become a better person than you were raised to be.
There are too many years of pain and bitterness between my husband and his mom to really get into here...she was physically and emotionally abusive to him when he was growing up (he has scars on his back from being whipped with the buckle end of a belt, for example). He didn't talk to her for the first 11 or 12 years that I was married to him, but I suggested to him that talking to her again and being able to see her as a person, especially as a fragile old lady, would give him some closure. The problem is that she can't remember any of the abuse and she thinks he started talking to her again to be one big happy family. My mother was abusive also and pretends she can't remember any of the things she did, so I guess that's not unusual, but I have sisters who were there too and remember the things I remember.
Not every family is happy, not every mother is always right, sometimes you have to climb out of the wreckage of your childhood and become a better person than you were raised to be.
I would not call my mother abusive. Maybe bitchy would be a better word. But the "not remembering" thing is very familiar to me. In my case, I can completely understand why Mom felt the way she did and acted the way she did. So we can have something of a relationship now which is good.
I am sorry that that is your history and commend you for rising above. It is true that not every parent is the best parent. It is a significant part of what drives me to do better even when I feel the same bitterness and regret that I think drove my mother. Continue strongly on your path because you are a rock star.
There are mothers who essentially stop living for themselves or anyone else except the child, and it may continue long after the child has become an adult.
My own dumb-pop psychology is that they might be compensating for a feeling that they had been neglected by their own mothers.
There are too many years of pain and bitterness between my husband and his mom to really get into here...she was physically and emotionally abusive to him when he was growing up (he has scars on his back from being whipped with the buckle end of a belt, for example). He didn't talk to her for the first 11 or 12 years that I was married to him, but I suggested to him that talking to her again and being able to see her as a person, especially as a fragile old lady, would give him some closure. The problem is that she can't remember any of the abuse and she thinks he started talking to her again to be one big happy family. My mother was abusive also and pretends she can't remember any of the things she did, so I guess that's not unusual, but I have sisters who were there too and remember the things I remember.
Not every family is happy, not every mother is always right, sometimes you have to climb out of the wreckage of your childhood and become a better person than you were raised to be.
I'm sorry you both had such difficult childhoods. I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with people who deny what they did. I believe in healthy boundaries. No contact is better in these situations. Your post about the funeral made it sound like he was making those decisions simply on how she reacted at her mother's funeral.
I sometimes wonder about online user names like "So-and-so'sMom" or "MomOfTwo," etc. I've never wanted to create an online identity based on being my child's mother. My user names are always based on an interest or vocation of mine.
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