My son is bad at losing.... (punishment, baby, toys, parents)
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I have an 8 year old son who is a great kid, but he is really bad when it comes to losing. For instance, he was running a track event and won his first race, but on his second race, a kid started to pass him, as soon as he saw that he immediately slowed down and jogged across the finish line and started to cry. During our Cub Scout pinewood derby race, after his car lost, he cried the rest of the meeting. He is really good at baseball, but if he strikes out, he sometimes cries too.
I have tried to tell him you can't win all the time. I have tried the whole never give up thing. I know kids his age are emotional about winning and losing, but I would venture to say he is too emotional about it. He literally cried for 30 minutes after the pinewood derby race. Does anybody have any suggestions on how I can help him control his emotions a bit?
My oldest was like that, not to the extent of crying, but he hated to lose. He was very competitive when it came to sports. I had to tell him the next time he flipped his helmet, or argued a call, was the last time he would play for a while. He got over it, immediately, because I meant it.
The crying sounds like a maturity issue though, and I'm not sure anything but time and peer pressure will help.
Tell him if he's going to get so worked up, he's going to have to give up those activities for ones that cause him less stress and are more appropriate for his maturity level. Explain that when he can't control himself and behaves in a way that is not polite or gracious, he loses the privilege of participating in those activities.
Yes, he's distressed, but it's poor sportsmanship. He's too old to cry when someone takes away his toys and he's too old to cry when someone beats him at a sport.
I suspect he would grow out of it, because his peers will begin to mock him for it. But then he might start acting out rather than just getting a grip.
As it is, I'd say something like "you're not behaving appropriately. We're going home." That's what one of my relatives does whenever one of his boys begins to behave poorly. They straighten out really quick because they know he'll do it. They're very well-behaved kids.
They seem kind of draconian to some parents I think, because they'll say very sternly "Don't cry. Use your words. What's wrong?" They're not making crying a shameful thing, but they are getting their kids to express themselves and take action. When the kids are truly distressed, they comfort them, but when the kids start bawling over a minor issue, they demand logic. When one kid was too stressed out by soccer and was scared to play, they let him quit the team until he felt ready to join again. But when one of the kids cries because he's not getting his way, they demand he explain why he's upset and ask if he needs a time out to compose himself. The time-out isn't a punishment really - it's a chance for the kid to pull himself together. The kids actually ask for them when they feel stressed out, and they rarely have outbursts these days. They're very self-regulating.
Maybe a time-out for your kid when he acts up?
And of course, you must model the behavior you expect your child to exhibit. As in, you yourself must be a gracious loser when you don't win. (And always a gracious winner too!)
I have won a lot. I could win 1st place (at my sport) quite frequently!
BUT I DON'T!
I intentionally let other people win...
Why? Because everyone hates the winner. They don't want to play with someone who wins all the time.
Do a bit of winning and you will find it is a very LONELY place to be!
Might want to get him to think about that. How does he and all the other kids feel about the kid who won? Does he want all the other kids to hate him and not talk to him?
Think about what winning all the time REALLY means. Not much glory if you ask me. Better to not win and still have friends.
I was like that as a kid and still am to some degree. I wasn't into sports, but I was VERY competitive when it came to grades and academics. No bragging or anything, but I was a pretty smart kid and often received the highest score in the class, and it was devastating to me when I didn't get top grade in class or when I scored below an A on a test.
I set such high expectations for myself and spent hours studying, doing homework, etc. that it almost seemed too much to handle when I wasn't at the top.
Your son might feel that way too. At some point in my life I took a step back and realized that being at the top didn't really mean all that much and just ended up causing me stress, anxiety, and took up too much of my time. I'm better now but am still competitive.
The best thing might be for your son to take a break from sports and competing if he's that bothered by losing. Or maybe try having him practice losing just to show him that it's not all that bad. Also, one thing that my parents did that DID NOT help me was baby me and say to just work a little harder next time. Let him know that there's nothing wrong with not being first and don't engage him more when he's crying about it. It won't help.
I have won a lot. I could win 1st place (at my sport) quite frequently!
BUT I DON'T!
I intentionally let other people win...
Why? Because everyone hates the winner. They don't want to play with someone who wins all the time.
Do a bit of winning and you will find it is a very LONELY place to be!
Might want to get him to think about that. How does he and all the other kids feel about the kid who won? Does he want all the other kids to hate him and not talk to him?
Think about what winning all the time REALLY means. Not much glory if you ask me. Better to not win and still have friends.
That's not true at all, you may perceive that to be the reaction, but it's unlikely people, in general, HATE you or anyone else for winning. Jealous, envious, angry at themselves, who knows, but hate, no way. If you come off like a sore winner, time after time, then maybe it turns to hate, but that's a pretty poor lesson that won't make much sense to an 8 yr old.
I sure do hate those guys on my favorite professional sports teams when they win, really burns me up! What jerks!!
I have no problem with a kid who is a bad loser, or a sore loser. After all, show me a good loser............and I'll show you a loser. I don't want any of my children to ever accept losing. But I also know that they are going to have to understand that they are going to have to lose sometime and that they should take it calmly, resolve that it will never happen again, and work like a fiend to try to assure that it won't. But when it does, lather, rinse and repeat.
Screaming and/or teary meltdowns are poor sportsmanship and show a lack of maturity and self-discipline. BE a sore loser, but don't ACT LIKE a sore loser. Congratulate the winner(s) and move on.
When people see you after a win or a loss you should comport yourself largely in the same manner.
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