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My heart aches for you!!!! Honestly, I've known so many people who have a similar story of their childhoods! For some of those kids, it was an excellent example for them and for others, a horrible life.
Look, you did what you thought was best. That...was the REAL you, right? Honest to goodness, please don't waste another second...second guessing yourself and your decisions. Bless you!....because you did what you thought was right...and it was RIGHT. In the long run, you'll see.
You kept a promise. You kept your word. In spite of the fact that you and your husband found yourselves to be "not altogether compatible", you did what you thought was best for your children, didn't you? You were looking at the "in the long run/for the greater good of the children"? Right? Understand...that that is ALL you are required to do.
How do you know if something is going to work, if you don't try? If you'd been the "real" you, and walked away early on in your marriage, you don't know that it wouldn't have worked out....had you stuck with it.
If I had trusted my emotions and feelings, when I was a younger "real" me...I would have left my husband, too. Yep....I sure would have. Turns out...the younger "real" me, made the right choice in listening to her heart, and HIS heart, rather than those emotions and feelings. Not only did it make for some pretty incredible make up sex..., but once we settled in with each other, and simply accepted each other for exactly what we were and how we were, things started to get pretty darn comfortable.
We STILL have our differences and we butt heads...but, in the end, it has shown my 4 beautiful children, that you do not have to agree 100% on everything. We have shown our children that just because someone does not have all the same interests as you, all the same tastes as you, agree with all of your viewpoints, prioritize things the way you do, that you can STILL live in harmony. You are teaching your children the VITAL lesson of......TOLERANCE!
People can change over time and no one...I mean, NO one is perfect. You know, it seemed like everytime we'd have a blow up, I'd run into a few folks who'd also had blow-ups with their mates. It never failed...those people's mates were WAY worse than mine! With every story, I'd find myself thinking, "WTF!? If mine ever did THAT, oh hell no! It would be OVER!" With every encounter, it became more and more apparent that wow....mine had such small, stupid little flaws...and maybe I was just being too intolerant! Maybe...I was just expecting him to be what I was expecting him to be.
I mean...it's not as if he'd changed...from the man I first fell for! When the kids showed up, he was an amazingly loving father. He sucked in the discipline and teaching department...cuz he never wanted to hurt their feelings...but on the other hand, OMG! I had a man who hated to hurt anyone's feelings. See?
Wise words, BeachMel. Sounds like things worked out well for you and your family.
I agree that making a decision and sticking with it is a great example to set for you kids. People grow and change, and tolerance is indeed a virtue.
And I guess this is the real me now. But the real me before we had kids would have left that nonsense in a heartbeat.
And our kids have grown up to be my favorite people in the whole world. They are kind, and hard working, and involved in all sorts of worthwhile endeavors. It's a joy knowing them.
Their Dad was and is a big part of that. Perhaps if we had not stayed together and they'd been back and forth and dealing with step parents and who knows what all, they would have been different people.
Hard to say.
It's just that they have such a hard time with relationships and I know in my heart that part of that is they don't have a sense of what a good one is like because they've never seen one up close.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newdixiegirl
Are you sure you're not writing about MY marriage, GotHere? .
Your words are exactly the same as what mine have been. I, too, deeply regret the "model of a marriage" that my husband and I have given our kids. It saddens me more than I can express.
It's so good to hear that your kids are doing well, though. Did you leave your marriage, eventually? If so, when did you, and what finally prompted your decision? I'm getting out now (my kids are ages 10-17), and I hope it's not too late.
Sometimes, divorce can be the last, best hope.
Oh, Dixie Girl, don't rush out. There's a lot to be said for carrying through on commitments and providing a stable home for your kids to grow up in.
Maybe you can nudge your husband in BeachMel's direction.
By the way, there is nothing at all the matter with butting heads and fighting and arguing when you believe strongly about something.
I don't have it all figured out. As you may have noticed. But I do know that gritted teeth and grim tolerance is a tough row to hoe.
I would have held my son back an extra year in school too instead of having him repeat first grade. He was smart enough but not emotionally mature enough.
In a way I did get a second chance because we adopted 2 girls when our first kids were 19 and 21. We decided not to over schedule them like we felt we did the first two. Music was mandatory because of all the benefits but we did not push sports, scouts, church attendance, joining the church. In fact we let our girls chose what they want outside of school as long as we can afford it and it doesn't interfer with school work.So both take piano, one took jump rope for a few months, then ballet for a few months and now horseback riding. The other one takes piano and excels while the other one is having fun but not doing much with it. OK it's not breaking the bank.
I taught the first two that once you start something you should finish it or at least stick with it longer. I feel now that was a mistake. So what if you start a project and put it in the drawer? If you had fun you might have learned something so no biggie. Lord knows I don't finish everything I start!
One likes to be off with others a great deal more than her homebody sister. OK.
This set of kids is helping around the house so much more than the others not only because of necessity but because I see how the first ones weren't really taught much more than laundry. They still neither one even try too much at cooking while the little girls (12) can pull off a simple meal for the family.
I would have divorced her father earlier than I did. I waited until she was eight years old and he had become completely unbearable before I had him removed from our home, because I always clutched onto the hope that he would straighten out and grow up. She thanks me for divorcing him because she can remember how it was, but I carried a lot of debt that I had to pay off from our marriage and as a result raising her on my own was very tight financially. She had what she needed, but I wish I had been able to take her on more vacations when she was a kid, for example. And she carries those memories of her dad as a psycho drunk screeching and breaking things and threatening to take her and disappear.
If I had gotten rid of him a few years earlier, it might have been a little easier. And once he was out of the house and didn't have me to take care of him anymore, he started to work to make some semblance of a halfway decent life for himself and became a better father than what he was when we were married.
I know it's a difficult dilemma to stay in an unhappy marriage for sake of the kids...I always felt if there is NO form of abuse it may be better to stay...from the day we learn that we are to soon be mothers our life is no longer our own...but just because we are mothers doesn't mean we deserve disrespect or abuse...
As a backdrop to my post let me give you some information. As with many teachers I had constant pressure from administration and from the parents of my students to do more, more, more, MORE. People who are not special education teachers do not realize the pressure that many of us face. I had parents of my special education students actually tell me that "Special Education teachers should not be allowed to have children so that they can devote their entire lives to their students", "Special education teachers should not be allowed to take sick days", "Special education teachers should not be allowed to take maternity leave", "Special education teachers should give parents their home phone number so that they are available to answer questions 24/7" and other comments like that. And this wasn't an isolated, obsessive parent or two or three obsessive, clueless parents saying things like that but comments like that dozens and dozens of times over my 33 year teaching career. (PS. If you are a parent of a child with special needs please do not lay a guilt trip like that on your child's teacher. It really is not fair). And, don't get me started on the hours and hours of paperwork that we were required to do on our own time evenings and weekends.
I deeply regret not spending more time with own children. Although, we did plenty of things together my demanding job kept me from doing some things that I wished that I could have done.
The biggest example is with my son. He was on a inter-college sports team and I attended every game that was held in my hometown and a few that were held out of town. After he graduated I found out (from another parent) that almost all of the parents attended every game that was held within a three hour drive of where they lived and my son was quite hurt that I didn't do that as well. He never told me because he knew that I couldn't take off that much time every weekend from my teaching responsibilities. He is a well educated, grown adult now with his own family but I am still sad that I missed attending so many of his games and that he was hurt enough to tell his team mates about it.
In elementary school they were often the very last children picked up at the day care center right before it closed at 6 PM. And then I frequently had lesson plans, writing IEPs, or parents to call later in the evening. It makes me very sad to remember that.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-13-2014 at 02:01 PM..
As a backdrop to my post let me give you some information. As with many teachers I had constant pressure from administration and from the parents of my students to do more, more, more, MORE. People who are not special education teachers do not realize the pressure that many of us face. I had parents of my special education students actually tell me that "Special Education teachers should not be allowed to have children so that they can devote their entire lives to their students", "Special education teachers should not be allowed to take sick days", "Special education teachers should not be allowed to take maternity leave", "Special education teachers should give parents their home phone number so that they are available to answer questions 24/7" and other comments like that. And this wasn't an isolated, obsessive parent or two or three obsessive, clueless parents saying things like that but comments like that dozens and dozens of times over my 33 year teaching career. (PS. If you are a parent of a child with special needs please do not lay a guilt trip like that on your child's teacher. It really is not fair). And, don't get me started on the hours and hours of paperwork that we were required to do on our own time evenings and weekends.
I deeply regret not spending more time with own children. Although, we did plenty of things together my demanding job kept me from doing some things that I wished that I could have done.
The biggest example is with my son. He was on a inter-college sports team and I attended every game that was held in my hometown and a few that were held out of town. After he graduated I found out (from another parent) that almost all of the parents attended every game that was held within a three hour drive of where they lived and my son was quite hurt that I didn't do that as well. He never told me because he knew that I couldn't take off that much time every weekend from my teaching responsibilities. He is a well educated, grown adult now with his own family but I am still sad that I missed attending so many of his games and that he was hurt enough to tell his team mates about it.
In elementary school they were often the very last children picked up at the day care center right before it closed at 6 PM. And then I frequently had lesson plans, writing IEPs, or parents to call later in the evening. It makes me very sad to remember that.
It makes me sad to think about it as well.
I've worked with SpEd teachers and they put in some incredible hours. I agree that it is not fair. You should not be put in a position of having to steal hours from you own children. Particularly for paperwork!
This is actually a very good question and I had to give it a lot of thought. Since we were all pretty young when our kids were little we were trying to find ourselves and mature too. So we made a lot of mistakes and would probably do things differently now that we are older. But I think the one thing I would do differently would be to not move my family around as much as I did.
At the time I thought I was doing it for the betterment of the family, I moved to take better jobs, but we moved from Pa to NC to Ca to Pa then to Fl in the space of about 4 years. That had to be hard on my wife and kids, even though they went right along with the moves and made the best of it.
Yes, that would be the one thing I would do differently, I think.
I would have held my son back an extra year in school too instead of having him repeat first grade. He was smart enough but not emotionally mature enough.
In a way I did get a second chance because we adopted 2 girls when our first kids were 19 and 21. We decided not to over schedule them like we felt we did the first two. Music was mandatory because of all the benefits but we did not push sports, scouts, church attendance, joining the church. In fact we let our girls chose what they want outside of school as long as we can afford it and it doesn't interfer with school work.So both take piano, one took jump rope for a few months, then ballet for a few months and now horseback riding. The other one takes piano and excels while the other one is having fun but not doing much with it. OK it's not breaking the bank.
I taught the first two that once you start something you should finish it or at least stick with it longer. I feel now that was a mistake. So what if you start a project and put it in the drawer? If you had fun you might have learned something so no biggie. Lord knows I don't finish everything I start!
One likes to be off with others a great deal more than her homebody sister. OK.
This set of kids is helping around the house so much more than the others not only because of necessity but because I see how the first ones weren't really taught much more than laundry. They still neither one even try too much at cooking while the little girls (12) can pull off a simple meal for the family.
I would not have allowed my dd to be double promoted in the 3rd grade. By the time she got to high school we were regretting that decision though it did seem the right decision at the time. I think she would have done much better to have continued with the group of kids she started school with.
I also would not have switched my kids to the charter school. Both of these decisions were made based on academics but there was a lot more to consider than academics. I think both of my kids would have fared better if we'd kept them in the local schools. In hind sight, disruptions to their educations had impact that rippled through the years. Unfortunately, I couldn't see that at the time.
If I could do it over again, I would have moved to a different area where the schools were better. I now realize that the biggest contribution to my children's outcomes was in picking the area they'd grow up in. I was penny wise and pound foolish in that department. I wish we'd spent half again what we did when we bought this house and moved to the better side of town or the next town over.
Our only daughter 15 so I still have some tricky years ahead and it's good to read about the experiences of you veteran parents.
My biggest regret so far is expecting too much of her at too young an age, which led to too much fussing and yelling. I also regret not having another child because I think she would really enjoy a sibling, but at the time it seemed overwhelming for a number of reasons.
I'll second this. I wish I had spent more time at the park and the beach. I wish we'd played more board games. It seems I was always doing what I was supposed to do.
Yeah, that's hard though. We have 6 year old twins and with two F/T working parents, it just leaves a lot to get done every evening. I feel bad a couple evennings per week when I just have so much "domestic" work to get done. But we do make time on the weekends to do fun things. We all went hiking and then out to brunch yesterday, and they liked it. Then we all took naps lol!
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Honestly, I've known so many people who have a similar story of their childhoods! For some of those kids, it was an excellent example for them and for others, a horrible life. 
Honest to goodness, please don't waste another second...second guessing yourself and your decisions. Bless you!....because you did what you thought was right...and it was RIGHT. In the long run, you'll see. 
, but once we settled in with each other, and simply accepted each other for exactly what we were and how we were, things started to get pretty darn comfortable. 
We have shown our children that just because someone does not have all the same interests as you, all the same tastes as you, agree with all of your viewpoints, prioritize things the way you do, that you can STILL live in harmony. You are teaching your children the VITAL lesson of......TOLERANCE! 
. 
But I do know that gritted teeth and grim tolerance is a tough row to hoe.
