No father in home vs lazy father in home? (raising, kids, mom)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It has been brought to my attention they're divorced. I'm not sure why the OP keeps posting as if this an ongoing situation, in the present.
Why you would want to disrupt your kids' lives even further by moving him back in when you have zero love and respect for him is totally beyond me. How utterly confusing for them. It will no doubt end with further acrimony and disharmony in their home, between their parents, whom they love, regardless. Get a babysitter, and request child support. Let the kids have their own relationship with their dad, that is not dependent on what you think of him. UGH.
It has been brought to my attention they're divorced. I'm not sure why the OP keeps posting as if this an ongoing situation, in the present.
Why you would want to disrupt your kids' lives even further by moving him back in when you have zero love and respect for him is totally beyond me. How utterly confusing for them. It will no doubt end with further acrimony and disharmony in their home, between their parents, whom they love, regardless. Get a babysitter, and request child support. Let the kids have their own relationship with their dad, that is not dependent on what you think of him. UGH.
ITA!
There is no sense going back to a situation that led to divorce. The kids have been through enough.
There will be an agreement if they get back together. By your logic, it can't be called laziness if she agrees to it.
For his sake, I hope she doesn't take him back. He deserves better than her.
There's agreement and there's coercion. I'm not sure it would be by agreement if she did take him back. I get the impression it's more admitting she can't win and thinking it was better when they were together. However, better doesn't mean good. I never agreed to my dh working part time trying to start a business (you cannot start a business working 4 hours a day) but I decided that life would be worse if I divorced him and had so share custody of the kids AND pay him alimony because he was earning so much less than me because of that decision to quit his job that I never agreed to. Trust me. Realizing that it's the lesser of the evils doesn't make it more tolerable. We are still feeling the reverberations of the damage done to our marriage then. I knew where I stood. I knew I meant nothing. Just because divorce would have been worse doesn't mean I agreed to the way we were living. Sometimes the alternatives are just worse. While I could walk after dd#2 graduates, it would decimate my finances and leave me unable to ever retire. You see dh retired against my wishes and his IRA will be spent and I'd then have to give him half of mine in a divorce. He knows he has me over a financial barrel. Trust me. Realizing that the alternative is worse doesn't make your situation seem better. You're just stuck. In a divorce dh gets half of my pension (he has no pension) and half of my IRA (his IRA will be spent) and I get none of his inheritance from his parents (the only retirement he ever really planned on). He never stayed in a job long enough to have a retirement and saved little because he knew he'd get his father's money. Sorry but knowing the only alternative is worse doesn't make what you're living better. It just means you're stuck. FTR, this is only discussed here to show that I know where the OP is. BTDT and it's not pretty any way you slice it. It sucks not having choices. It sucks having someone use you and being in position where you really can't do anything about it. Even if the alternative is worse it still sucks. I get where the OP is coming from. BTDT...in fact I'm still there. Dh is threatening to move out if I allow dd#1 to move back in because he says he's too old to live with a newborn. He knows I can't support her by myself. Do I have to accept this? Yes. Do I like it? No. I have the right to not like it even though I have no choice but to accept it. I wanted to make the deal that as long as she's in school she could live here because she needs to go to school but dh won't live with a newborn. Having no choice sucks. It just does. That's where the OP is coming from.
Why do you think HE deserves better? HE allowed his family to be torn apart rather than get a job. That's pretty low and pretty lazy. If he was such a catch, you'd think he'd be taken by now.
While I would have recommended determining whether divorce would improve the situation BEFORE the divorce, it's already happened and going back would be harmful to the children. They've been though enough.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 07-15-2014 at 09:34 AM..
I do not know how to say it,but it just does not feel right.
It feels like i am taking care of a grown man,its as if he another child.
Yes,my relatives do think i am stupid.
They always tell me"you can do bad all by yourself".
They also say he is an extra mouth to feed,and how can a man sit there and watch the woman run herself into the ground?
Because nobody should spend their lives with someone who speaks so badly of them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
HE allowed his family to be torn apart rather than get a job. That's pretty low and pretty lazy.
She allowed her family to be torn apart because she was more worried about what her relatives thought.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
If he was such a catch, you'd think he'd be taken by now.
She probably turned him off from ever wanting to be married again. And if that's your measure, she isn't a catch herself. She says she can't find someone because nobody wants a woman with children. I was a single mother with children, and my husband married me. He hasn't complained about supporting his family. He hasn't treated me like the OP treated her husband. The OP needs to read the vileness of her posts and accept her inability to find a mate is more likely due to her not being a nice person. I haven't seen one desirable attribute in her posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
This couple doesn't work together and IMO shouldn't be together.
We agree on this. Even if they don't get back together (which they shouldn't), the OP should allow her children to have a relationship with their father. She says she hasn't let them see him for years. Yet one more indication she's not innocent in this disaster.
Because nobody should spend their lives with someone who speaks so badly of them.
She allowed her family to be torn apart because she was more worried about what her relatives thought.
She probably turned him off from ever wanting to be married again. And if that's your measure, she isn't a catch herself. She says she can't find someone because nobody wants a woman with children. I was a single mother with children, and my husband married me. He hasn't complained about supporting his family. He hasn't treated me like the OP treated her husband. The OP needs to read the vileness of her posts and accept her inability to find a mate is more likely due to her not being a nice person. I haven't seen one desirable attribute in her posts.
We agree on this. But the OP should allow her children to have a relationship with their father. She says she hasn't let them see him for years. Yet one more indication she's not innocent in this disaster.
What this means is that HE hasn't sought visitation. She cannot keep him from the kids. If he's not seeing them, it's by his choice. Courts will enforce visitation.
I disagree on her tearing the family apart over what others think. If she thought the situation was ok, she wouldn't care about what others think. It was that she didn't like being forced to do what he wanted that ended the marriage here. He refused to be a partner and she refused to tolerate that. He could have stopped it by getting a job but chose not to. I don't get that because now I'm sure he has to have one. He could have chosen to work and save his marriage.
The fact he went from SAHD to not seeing his kids for years tells me all I need to know about his intentions. No real SAHD would do that. The kids were just an excuse to not work. Now that he can't use them for that he doesn't even bother to see them. That's pretty sad.
I'm beginning to think that what the OP is really asking is would it be better to have any father in her children's lives than no father at all. Given that this man obviously has made no effort to see his kids, I'd say they're better off without him. The courts will not let a mother keep her children from their father without good reason. Either there is reason to keep him from the kids (my guess is not because she's asking if it's better to have lazy dad than no dad) or he just hasn't bothered. Either way, the kids are better off without him and they're used to being without him anyway.
It has been brought to my attention they're divorced. I'm not sure why the OP keeps posting as if this an ongoing situation, in the present.
Why you would want to disrupt your kids' lives even further by moving him back in when you have zero love and respect for him is totally beyond me. How utterly confusing for them. It will no doubt end with further acrimony and disharmony in their home, between their parents, whom they love, regardless. Get a babysitter, and request child support. Let the kids have their own relationship with their dad, that is not dependent on what you think of him. UGH.
Maybe she is looking for justification in destroying her children's lives and why she doesn't see her children any more than when the "lazy bum" was around.
Only knowing about her what she has posted here, I believe the court erred in awarding her custody.
I'm guessing the problem may be that he isn't being much of a husband at all. Maybe he's being a father, but not a husband.
The world isn't some silly TV show, people. It's often impossible to prance over to the kitchen table and sit down and have an adult conversation about what the roles will be, because only one person is interested in having the conversation. I bet this is a situation where the OP didn't sign up for this deal and resented finding herself the only employed adult, regardless of his willingness to take care of the kids.
Jerseygal4u, it's hard, and I know it. But think long and hard about if it's worth it to save on child-care costs and live each day dying a little inside because you're supporting someone who neither loves nor respects you. Your kids will be grown in a few short years, and then he'll just be a stone around your neck.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 07-15-2014 at 09:57 AM..
The gender stereotyping and judgment here is perhaps the worst I've ever seen on C/D and I include the Relationships forum.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
