Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Boy I feel like a crappy dad today. Could use some insight and advice.
Yesterday we went to a holiday party with some new people. Didn't know a single person. It was me, my wife and a 8yo daughter and a 4yo son. There were only3 other couples, 3 other older boys (6) and 5 girls. In any case they all went outside and we stayed in. Within 10 minutes my son comes in crying that a boy shoved him from the back. He has glasses and he fell face first into dirt and was bruised around the nose. So we asked what happened and he said he was pushed, then we got the other side of the story and they said they were playing ball and one kid tackled him thinking he was playing ball. However, my son says he was playing by himself. With all the attention and not wanting to go off half cocked I thought maybe the boys were playing rough and he got in the middle of it and got knocked down. We sort of just dusted him off and he was off again in 5 minutes even though he got bruised up. Kept an eye on it the rest of the day but nothing else happened except this same kid calling him a "dog" in front of all the adults which my wife kind of blew off as "hey there's far worse things" again in a let's not ruffle any feathers sort of mentality. The kids dad did not correct him.
So when we got home we were changing him we noticed his belt loop was half torn off, my son says the same kid ripped it. This told me he was more than just tackled but probably yanked as well by this kid, Then we noticed my daughters tights were ripped and she said the same kid ripped them. He told her if she tells he would hurt her and that he would tell us she started it. She was very upset that I intended to call the parents at this point.
First of all I feel like I completely dropped the ball first for not watching the kids interact a bit before hanging with the adults, then for making an assumption that he just got knocked over by accident and not really grilling the other kid, I didn't even talk to the other kid his father did.
Second I went off on my daughter when I found out she hid all this info and did not come and tell us when it happened, she was crying hysterically when I said I would call the other parents but she couldn't tell me why. She says she was not protecting the kid and was not worried about seeing him again since she's at a different school but was still crying. Was it just the thought of the confrontation?
Third my wife and I decided to contact the hostess and get this kids number so we can call the parents and let them know what happened and ask them to have their kid apologize. Is this over the top? I don't expect this will happen but I want to ask. I think parents should be responsible but the dad seemed sort of a meatheadish guy.
In any case I feel like I totally let my son down, didn't protect him, and dismissed his real issues. Feel like I didn't have his back sort of speak.
What would you dads/moms have done? Did I underreact? Am I right to call the parents now? Am I beating myself up here? Thanks in advance!!
I guess the first issue is that you left your 4 year old alone, with older kids that were not known to your family.
The second is "going off" on your daughter. She was not responsible for your son's safety... you were.
I would apologize to the kids and never deal with those people again.
Boy I feel like a crappy dad today. Could use some insight and advice.
Yesterday we went to a holiday party with some new people. Didn't know a single person. It was me, my wife and a 8yo daughter and a 4yo son. There were only3 other couples, 3 other older boys (6) and 5 girls. In any case they all went outside and we stayed in. Within 10 minutes my son comes in crying that a boy shoved him from the back. He has glasses and he fell face first into dirt and was bruised around the nose. So we asked what happened and he said he was pushed, then we got the other side of the story and they said they were playing ball and one kid tackled him thinking he was playing ball. However, my son says he was playing by himself. With all the attention and not wanting to go off half cocked I thought maybe the boys were playing rough and he got in the middle of it and got knocked down. We sort of just dusted him off and he was off again in 5 minutes even though he got bruised up. Kept an eye on it the rest of the day but nothing else happened except this same kid calling him a "dog" in front of all the adults which my wife kind of blew off as "hey there's far worse things" again in a let's not ruffle any feathers sort of mentality. The kids dad did not correct him.
So when we got home we were changing him we noticed his belt loop was half torn off, my son says the same kid ripped it. This told me he was more than just tackled but probably yanked as well by this kid, Then we noticed my daughters tights were ripped and she said the same kid ripped them. He told her if she tells he would hurt her and that he would tell us she started it. She was very upset that I intended to call the parents at this point.
First of all I feel like I completely dropped the ball first for not watching the kids interact a bit before hanging with the adults, then for making an assumption that he just got knocked over by accident and not really grilling the other kid, I didn't even talk to the other kid his father did.
Second I went off on my daughter when I found out she hid all this info and did not come and tell us when it happened, she was crying hysterically when I said I would call the other parents but she couldn't tell me why. She says she was not protecting the kid and was not worried about seeing him again since she's at a different school but was still crying. Was it just the thought of the confrontation?
Third my wife and I decided to contact the hostess and get this kids number so we can call the parents and let them know what happened and ask them to have their kid apologize. Is this over the top? I don't expect this will happen but I want to ask. I think parents should be responsible but the dad seemed sort of a meatheadish guy.
In any case I feel like I totally let my son down, didn't protect him, and dismissed his real issues. Feel like I didn't have his back sort of speak.
What would you dads/moms have done? Did I underreact? Am I right to call the parents now? Am I beating myself up here? Thanks in advance!!
Just don't ever go back. If you're invited again, tell them the truth, and that the other couple's son was a bully, and you won't put your kids into a position to have to defend themselves.
I guess the first issue is that you left your 4 year old alone, with older kids that were not known to your family.
The second is "going off" on your daughter. She was not responsible for your son's safety... you were.
I would apologize to the kids and never deal with those people again.
Yes, this.
All a call to the hostess would accomplish is making her feel badly about a situation she really didn't cause, and shouldn't be expected to prevent. The other kid's parents will assure you your son had it all wrong.
I guess the first issue is that you left your 4 year old alone, with older kids that were not known to your family.
The second is "going off" on your daughter. She was not responsible for your son's safety... you were.
I would apologize to the kids and never deal with those people again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
Yes, this.
All a call to the hostess would accomplish is making her feel badly about a situation she really didn't cause, and shouldn't be expected to prevent. The other kid's parents will assure you your son had it all wrong.
Don't beat yourself up. I would just let it go and never socialize with that boy's family again. It's a little unfair to call the hostess because she didn't have anything to do with what happened, putting her in the middle of this could create an awkward situation. I also wouldn't expect an apology from the boy's parents because they're going to be inclined to believe their son's version of events.
What I would do is apologize to your daughter and stress how important it is for her to come to you if anyone hurts her or her brother.
I would just not go back to a social gathering with the other family. I wouldn't call or bring it up at this point.
I would also talk to your kids about what happened and how you feel that you made a mistake by not taking it seriously. Apologize to them, and tell them that you will try to do better next time. Encourage them to please talk to you if they have a problem like this in the future.
I guess the first issue is that you left your 4 year old alone, with older kids that were not known to your family.
The second is "going off" on your daughter. She was not responsible for your son's safety... you were.
I would apologize to the kids and never deal with those people again.
Agree completely with first two points.
Disagree on the third.
EVERYONE needs to know what kind of kid this is before something really bad happens.
I wouldn't call anybody. No adult saw what happened so it will be one kids word against another. And they will deny it and nothing will be resolved. Instead, I'd use this as a teaching moment for my kids. This will not be the last bully they will encounter and I'd give them the tools to advocate for themselves how to stop this in the future. For example, my kids know what behavior makes someone a bully vs a kid who is playing too rough. They have been given the words to use to get an adults attention if they need help. And they've also been told that they will never be in trouble for fighting back if provoked (I know not every parent agrees with hitting back but its how we do it). I have no issue letting my kids play in a group of older kids unsupervised so don't beat yourself up over that. Just wondering, how much older were the other kids?
The thing is though, kids who are bullies usually have parents who are total a-holes as well. The behavior comes from somewhere.
My friend's daughter had to have stitches after a boy at her daycare bashed her over the head with a toy truck. They called a meeting with my friend, her husband and the boy's parents. During the discussion the boy's father became belligerent, started screaming and cussing and threatened to beat up my friend's husband. Jerks create jerks.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
to both...
