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Old 03-30-2015, 06:09 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,264,089 times
Reputation: 3980

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I've noticed a 'theme' that comes up quite frequently here on CD's parenting forum, and while details differ it boils down to "What in the universe is wrong with parents these days?!?"

Figure it this way: at some point, kids reach whatever is legal age, or "the age of majority" in the state where they live. At that time, a couple of changes occur- whether parents admit it or not. When a kid hits legal age a) he/she has full rights over his/her life; and b) rights parents had abruptly come to an end.

Included in part b: the obligations and responsibilities parents had when their kids were minors also end. A parent no longer has responsibility for the adult-aged-kids' behavior or its consequences. The parent is no longer obligated to provide adult-aged-kids with a place to live, education, etc.- but if they do so anyway, this does not automatically grant them 'rights.' These things are generally considered gifts of love- and gifts of love do not come with strings.

Frankly, it makes sense. What doesn't: parents who want to keep a choke-hold on their kids forever, and treat adults as if they were young children. Whether they're "control-freaks," can't bear to see their "little boys/girls" grow up, or are just plain selfish, they're doing a heck of a job at permanently ruining their relationships. Unfortunately, parents like that are not likely to change, so the only sensible thing kids can do is move out and move on with their lives. It may take years to build a relationship built on mutual respect, or it may not happen at all- but adult-aged kids should not feel as if they must sacrifice their lives for what is ultimately the parents' fault.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:37 PM
 
12,940 posts, read 19,867,704 times
Reputation: 34062
Whoa, hold the bus. For every parent that is loathe to let go, there is a child that wants the perks of "Life With Mom and Dad", without the responsibility of being an adult in the home. I think the vast majority of parents do want their children to become independent. But just because they are willing to house and feed an adult child, that doesn't mean the child should accept because it's the easy way. Yet, many do.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:42 PM
 
Location: Texas
42,313 posts, read 49,950,775 times
Reputation: 67226
Um, if someone is still paying your way, you are not really an adult who gets to complain about lack of "rights."

You want freedom to choose? Pay for your own life. Entirely. Stand up on your own. Being on mommy and daddy's teat while asking to be treated as a adult is a joke.

I say this as someone who did have parent support throughout higher education/20s. There is nothing wrong with getting help or living with family as a young adult. But asking for full-fledged freedom or respect is pushing it.
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Old 03-30-2015, 08:09 PM
 
3,284 posts, read 6,315,104 times
Reputation: 8308
When both of my parents turned 18, they were out of the house and on their own. My grandfather actually left home at 17 to join the military.

Raising adult infants must be a new thing. I have an old friend from high school who is 30 and STILL lives with mommy and daddy. He has a degree in political science and volunteers for political campaigns. That's all he has been doing for the past 7 years, and he has no plans whatsoever to become self-sufficient. Whenever I visit him, he still acts like a teenager in high school. He's been coddled beyond belief. I guess he'll live under a bridge when mommy and daddy die.

When I have kids, I'll give them 6 months to move out after turning 18. They will get crappy jobs and live with multiple roommates in crappy apartments while working through college, but that builds character. Birds kick their young out of the nest for a reason.
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Old 03-31-2015, 03:27 AM
 
Location: California
29,636 posts, read 32,009,846 times
Reputation: 24773
I'm not kicking anyone out. My eldest left at 18 for college but we paid for her housing and whatnot because her loans only covered the cost of the tuition and books. She was not independent in college but she was out on her own and never did move back home. My son is going to a local college and living at home, we can no longer afford to pay for any housing because our finances have changed. Plus we live in the most expensive area of the country and nobody is moving out at 18. Reality.
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:00 AM
 
3,614 posts, read 2,716,558 times
Reputation: 4986
Parenting doesn't stop when a child turns 18...you are a parent always...HOW you parent might change, but even at 22 or 32, things come up and they may still need the advice/guidance of a parent.

One example, our children are all legal adults just for reference....

Once child posted something on a social network site that, while I understand where the frustration came from, wasn't something that should have been posted. It wasn't mean or malicious, just not something a future employer would want to see kind of thing. As a parent, I talked with said child and explained how that could come back to be a not so good thing and suggested removing the post...said child did . If that same child was 13 and posted, I would have signed on to that account and removed it myself, then discussed it with the child. Still "parenting" just different way to accomplish the same thing.

Our children still ask for advice about new situations--first time buying a house, first time buying a car, etc. Doesn't mean we are telling them what to do or how to do it, just that we are still their parents and they want guidance.
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:11 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,894,929 times
Reputation: 4257
look like some one's father yelled for failing the exam or giving a huge phone bill,,, go on op,,, I think you may know better than all of us. But let me tell you one thing, your parents will be your parents weather you like it or not. Our parents taught us good habits, decent manners,and they spend very good quality time with us that is what me and my brother following as parents today. Parents are responsible for the way of feeding their kids teaching the way of living, but in this universe no one is perfect either complete every one make mistakes, learn from it and move on, blaming or screaming on a public website does not make any better. If you are a parent talk to your kids, if you are a child talk to your parents,
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:23 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,352 posts, read 37,963,110 times
Reputation: 74183
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia 914 View Post
I've noticed a 'theme' that comes up quite frequently here on CD's parenting forum, and while details differ it boils down to "What in the universe is wrong with parents these days?!?"

Figure it this way: at some point, kids reach whatever is legal age, or "the age of majority" in the state where they live. At that time, a couple of changes occur- whether parents admit it or not. When a kid hits legal age a) he/she has full rights over his/her life; and b) rights parents had abruptly come to an end.

Included in part b: the obligations and responsibilities parents had when their kids were minors also end. A parent no longer has responsibility for the adult-aged-kids' behavior or its consequences. The parent is no longer obligated to provide adult-aged-kids with a place to live, education, etc.- but if they do so anyway, this does not automatically grant them 'rights.' These things are generally considered gifts of love- and gifts of love do not come with strings.

Frankly, it makes sense. What doesn't: parents who want to keep a choke-hold on their kids forever, and treat adults as if they were young children. Whether they're "control-freaks," can't bear to see their "little boys/girls" grow up, or are just plain selfish, they're doing a heck of a job at permanently ruining their relationships. Unfortunately, parents like that are not likely to change, so the only sensible thing kids can do is move out and move on with their lives. It may take years to build a relationship built on mutual respect, or it may not happen at all- but adult-aged kids should not feel as if they must sacrifice their lives for what is ultimately the parents' fault.
Like marriage, parenting a child is a reciprocal relationship once the child is an adult.

Whichever role you're in, if you don't like the terms of the relationship, say so or do something different.

Ideally, parents should give their children independence when it's time. Children should accept that independence and take on that responsibility when it's time. That time differs for every family.

Whoever's still holding on after that date, whenever it is, needs to look in the mirror.
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:29 AM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,864 posts, read 3,737,869 times
Reputation: 15282
Quote:
Originally Posted by statisticsnerd View Post

When I have kids, I'll give them 6 months to move out after turning 18. They will get crappy jobs and live with multiple roommates in crappy apartments while working through college, but that builds character. Birds kick their young out of the nest for a reason.
So if your child turns 18 in September at the start of his or her senior year, he or she must move out in the middle of senior year? Yeah, makes perfect sense.....
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:18 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,352 posts, read 37,963,110 times
Reputation: 74183
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
So if your child turns 18 in September at the start of his or her senior year, he or she must move out in the middle of senior year? Yeah, makes perfect sense.....
Yeah, my older kids were 18 their entire senior year of high school. I didn't kick them out. It's not a magic number, people.

Is there a "has no kids" equivalent for Old Economy Steve???

"when I was in college my summer job paid the tuition" tuition was $400 - Old Economy Steven - quickmeme
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