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Originally Posted by opus123
Thanks so much for all your replies and advice. We've approached the guidance counselor at her school without mentioning names and she is going to speak to our daughter directly for more information. My daughter has blocked the four girls from her phone. Her wallpaper on her phone is a picture of the 5 of them together heading out to the 6th grade dance last June. All smiles and arms around each other. She's deleted the photo. She wants to stick with the play and soccer and luckily with both there are other girls she can interact with though they're not her good friends.
Spring break is in a few weeks and we are going on vacation - before this all transpired we actually considered taking a couple of the girls with us. Not.
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Actually...you might find these girls are very different when they are not in the presence of the group. If your daughter regrets the loss of the friendships, which is certainly not her fault, try one-on-one time instead. Without peer pressure, things may be very different.
If you decide to go this route, I'd suggest a family activity in which you are present - not hovering, but around. A daytrip to the beach, mountains, local recreational spot or activity would work better than a movie or other activity during which little conversation is required. Treat the visitor normally and courteously. Ask her about herself a little bit - not intrusively - compliment her on something.
Since your daughter has a background of close friendship with these four girls, that's in her favor. Girls blow hot and cold at this age - close friends can be lured into bullying by peer pressure, yet fine, when one on one. Remove the peers, and see what happens.
Also, make sure your daughter's physical appearance is consistent with current middle school styles. Kids can be cruel about things like height, lack of physical maturity, acne, glasses, a bad haircut or "babyish" hairstyle or clothing, even jewelry that doesn't conform.
Back in the day, a young girl in my family suffered because her mother didn't realize all her daughter's peers were wearing bras by seventh grade - the girl's need was emotional and social rather than physical, as she was the youngest in the class and small for her age, and she was too shy to tell her mother, but severe bullying took place in the unsupervised locker room after a last-hour all-girls gym class. As the kids went home afterwards, no teacher saw the tear-stains, and the clueless gym teacher did paperwork and never ventured into the locker room or even got close enough to overhear the verbal abuse.
Other things took place - long-term homework assignments and almost-due class projects were stolen from the bullies' victims in that locker room and the culprits were never identified and punished, although these incidents were reported. The gym teacher lectured the girls, all of whom predictably denied stealing, but she still never supervised the kids, claiming they needed their privacy (privacy to steal??). The principal was completely ineffectual and did nothing. The teacher whose assignments were stolen did grant the victims two additional weeks to re-do the assignment, but refused to allow them to examine the other girls' work, which would have been copies of the victims' original work, thus identifying the thief or thieves.
My family member says she found herself looking around at a recent class reunion, wondering if the thief was present and if she had any remorse after all these years. Kids who fall victim to this sort of thing don't forget it, and it rankles. Makes me mad, too, on behalf of that eleven or twelve-year-old girl who suffered so unnecessarily from others' cruelty and from negligent adults who negated their responsibilities.
This was long before the Internet age, which of course has only offered new avenues of torture to bullying kids.
You really do want to put a stop to it, or at least do what you can so your daughter will know you have her back.
One more thing - one of the primary leaders of the bullies (whom I also knew) in the instance with my family member was heavily pressured by her mother to be the perfect young girl - straight As, recognition of all kinds, beautiful clothing, cheerleader, class officer, later beauty pageants, academic success, leads in all school plays, and so on. The girl reacted by lashing out against others whom she perceived as not adhering to her mother's standards in one way or another. This was not addressed, nor was the inappropriateness of her mother's extreme pressure and overly high expectations, with eventual dire and very tragic results.
It was more subtle by high school, but the snarkiness and superiority were still there much of the time. Meanwhile, her mother was feeding her uppers so she could pull all-nighters to complete homework assignments and projects that would outshine those of all others (mom did a LOT of the work involved). She was smoking by age fourteen, had a very brash manner, was going from one boy to another (actually, this started back in sixth grade), popular without being well-liked.
She toned down the ugly attitude considerably and became more approachable during her last couple of high school years, after being involved with kids (including me) outside her usual social circle in school plays and other activities, became better liked as a result, took the grand tour of Europe after finishing high school (along with Mama), graduated from college despite having married a rising young professional at the end of her junior year, worked in broadcasting along with a locally prominent TV personality who fathered a major American movie star (then a ring bearer in her huge and elaborate wedding, ironically), eventually had a couple of kids - and took her life in a horrific manner at age 30.
While she was dying, she told others that she had failed at everything she had ever done, "even this"...as she didn't die immediately.
Putting a stop to bullying, and addressing the true causes behind it may save a life. There were so many warning signs in the tragic case cited above...so many people knew much of what was happening at home to the chief bully, some did speak to her mother - only to be brushed aside. I wonder what might have happened had the message been delivered more forcefully...if the girl had been shown another way. There were indications of the person she could have been, minus all the extreme pressure. But her mother's values were so skewed that she had little chance, and while other suffered at her hands, she herself was the most tragic victim.
So take a closer look at those four kids that used to be your daughter's best friends, and reach out to whichever one seems to need it the most. You never know - intervention of this kind just might save both a friendship and a life.
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