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Even if you are not prepared to marry her (I assume no sex before wedlock)
Why would you assume this?? It's hard to take the rest of your post seriously after a statement like that...
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, be a positive influence for the kid. Some people are just too into themselves and narcissistic (i.e. Facebook being a priority). You don't need to tell her how to be a mom, just lead by example by being a responsible adult for the kid. She might start to be affected in a positive way as well.
Regardless the kid will benefit.
Good for you to recognize this.
I am a positive role model. I am a provider with a great job, do stuff for them (trip to Universal studios a month ago, Rays game last week, etc), nice house, take him to school every day so he does not have to ride the bus. I took him to work on "bring your kid to work day", etc
Yes, she's an adult, and can decide how much sleep she needs
BUT...
Getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night, every night:
1. is not healthy
2. causes her to be in a bad mood often
3. causes her to be tired
4. causes her to come home and rather than be a parent, she will take a nap sometimes for 2-3 hours (instead of toy around on her phone)
5. causes less sleep for me if I want to interact in any meaningful sort of way with her
6. affects her sex drive
7. causes her to complain about how tired she is all the time (even though she is getting less sleep by her OWN choice)
She has told me "I don't need 7 hours of sleep"... studies disagree. And when we CAN get more sleep, everyone is healthy
There was one really rough week a couple weeks ago where we went to be about midnight Friday, she woke up at 10:30 (I was up at ~7), I cooked breakfast when she woke up, we all ate. We had plans, but after breakfast and her workout, she took a nap, slept till 3, she then watched TV the rest of the day, never showered.
Sunday was an almost repeat except she took a shower after she woke up
This does not happen often, but it does. And highlights the hypocrisy of the "I don't need sleep" thing
Y'all have only lived together for about 4 months, right?
She's being lazy and taking advantage of you as live-in child care now.
You're going to have to talk to her about this. I originally advised you to just model the kind of parenting you want to see from her, but the behaviors you're describing here are VERY troublesome in terms of parenting AND being a partner.
Even IF there were not a 10-year-old in the mix, the way she is totally checking out when she gets home would doom your relationship anyway.
I think you need to draw a line and bring this to a head, and she will either take it to heart and make some changes to indicate that she is interested in being an active partner, or she will stay the same, leading you to resent her and eventually leave.
Would you sleep better at night knowing she was 22 when she had him?
If you're going to lie/exaggerate, at least be consistent. I'm not the only one who noticed this simple hole in your story. Why not say she was 22 in your OP? Or an even 30 today, whichever one it is? And I didn't lose any sleep. Didn't give it a second thought .
Commitment makes a difference, OP, and this is the kind of thing that you cannot just tell her without negative consequences.
However, MODELING the appropriate behavior would be a really great way to get your message across to her.
Or she may never get the message. Either way, the kid gets to feel loved, which is the goal here.
I also would like to note that everyone needs down time, and if she works all day, the "1 hour on FB/cell phone" may just be a timing conflict, since the kid has probably been waiting 2 hours after school for mom to get home.
Eventually, though, she SHOULD get her head out of her *ss and love on the child some. I remember your first posts in the Relationships forum about her phone issue. It sure is a problem for her.
You can also model the right behavior and verbalize it, without actually criticizing her, which would likely be counterproductive.
"You know Jack really likes it when I chat with him about his interests in basketball and what does he think about Curry"
"I find Jack loves to draw sharks and sealife, we should do that more with him at weekends"
"I'm taking jack out for pizza today, to get some bonding time without electronic distractions like TV and stuff"
yea not so subtle, but still better than "You fail as a mother"
Um, being on FB for an hour, or doing whatever on her phone, qualifies as a terrible parent!? Really!? Hell, I do things on my own, my personal or free time, while my kids do their own thing. We also do things together, but my older kids, they don't *need* to be attached to me or require my attention all or even most of the time. They're fairly independent. I have an introverted kid and two that may be ambiverted. My husband and I are introverts.
Is she neglectful with him, avoiding most contact, ignore him? Is he fed, clothed, cared for and loved? Is she abusive, mentally, emotionally or physically? Does she do things with him, not necessarily ALL the time, but here and there? If yes then she's not a terrible parent.
I take my older two out to the movies almost weekly, and we sometimes go out to lunch and get our nails done. We also watch movies as a family, talk and just hang out. In the past I played MMOs with my eldest. There are ways to bond that don't include always doing something.
I don't intend to sound rude, but she seems like a lousy partner that's mooching off of you to lower her expenses. You say she receives no help from her parents or her ex-husband. She refuses to take care of her health (sleep affects one's health).
This is a red flag in your relationship. Instead of ignoring the red flag, pay attention to it and RUN! You're already living together, so this is what your married life would be like. Once the child gets older, he's going to start seeking attention elsewhere and if he never receives that attention he will feel unloved and act out in other ways (drugs, alcohol, risky sex, etc.).
DO NOT MARRY HER!
"When people show you who you are, believe them the first time" -Dr. Maya Angelou
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vector1
Exactly
Even if you are not prepared to marry her (I assume no sex before wedlock), be a positive influence for the kid. Some people are just too into themselves and narcissistic (i.e. Facebook being a priority). You don't need to tell her how to be a mom, just lead by example by being a responsible adult for the kid. She might start to be affected in a positive way as well.
Regardless the kid will benefit.
Good for you to recognize this.
Now what are you prepared to do?
Lol, what makes you think they aren't having sex (they're already living together)?
I pick up the slack, believe me I do. But between maintaining the house, cooking, and other stuff, my time is limited. I get home first, so I end up making dinner.
It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share of the work and it's starting to wear on you. You have to ask yourself if this is really how you want to live.
He is a hard kid to get along with.
Of course he's a hard kid to get along with. It sounds like he's been left to his own devices for far too long. He does whatever he can to get attention because any attention, even bad attention, is better than being ignored by your mother. He's not dumb he sees what she's doing and knows that her needs for Facebook, etc. are a higher priority than spending quality time with him. You really have to feel sorry for this kid because he's crying out for attention and takes solace in video games. Kudos to you for recognizing what a terrible parent she is, but with this knowledge comes some hard choices. Do you want to step up and be the parent this child deserves, while his mother continues to slack off, or do you want to move on because someone who treats their own child like this might not be someone you want to marry?
I know it can be done, it just requires effort, planning and sacrifice, which doesnt seem to be happening.
The child is ten years old. If his mother hasn't made it happen in ten years it's most likely not going to happen. That is the sad reality of this situation.
I did intend to, and might. But since we have been living together, there have been some things that have come out that are giving me second thoughts. We will see. There are other things being neglected.
I'm glad that living together has opened your eyes to the reality of this situation. You'd be foolish if you didn't have second thoughts based on what you've told us. I'd have a very hard time committing to a person who treats their child like this and neglects important things because I'd be next in line for this treatment. She sounds self-involved and narcissistic and those are not good qualities for a mate. Unfortunately, what you are seeing now is just the tip of the iceberg. You have some hard days ahead and I wish you and the child well.
Is she neglectful with him, avoiding most contact, ignore him? Is he fed, clothed, cared for and loved? Is she abusive, mentally, emotionally or physically? Does she do things with him, not necessarily ALL the time, but here and there? If yes then she's not a terrible parent.
The OP keeps ignoring these questions Seems like he just wants to vent about her on here without providing any specific details.
Since this IS in the parenting forum, even though it feels like the OP is really wanting to complain more about his girlfriend as a partner than as a parent, I'll focus on the child.
The whole situation with him sounds really odd. So he's an extrovert who has no friends to spend time with and doesn't want to socialize or do any activities besides gaming? Doesn't really sound like an extrovert to me, an extrovert is someone who's drawn to other people and who gets along with others, he doesn't fit the description. And he requires CONSTANT attention, but only from his mom, at the age of 10? Something just doesn't quite add up here. How exactly does he ask for that attention and how does she respond?
A 10 year old boy should not require his mom to pay attention to him 24/7, he should be getting at least part of his socialization needs from peers and outside activities. IMO he shouldn't have the 'choice' not to participate in anything besides school, the *choice* of activity should be up to him but he should do at least one extracurricular thing. He needs to learn to socialize and find peers with shared interests, even if it's just video games. As I said, if he's geeky-minded, there are plenty of choices now for kids that focus on that - he could even start learning how to design his own video games if that's what he's into. Kids need stimulation and to keep occupied, and at that age it shouldn't be exclusively with parents. He's probably bored out of his mind which is why he's driving mom crazy, which is probably why she's tired and retreating into herself even more. That's not to say she shouldn't interact with him, but something else for him to do after school would provide a much-needed break for both of them, it's essential.
The OP keeps ignoring these questions Seems like he just wants to vent about her on here without providing any specific details.
Since this IS in the parenting forum, even though it feels like the OP is really wanting to complain more about his girlfriend as a partner than as a parent, I'll focus on the child.
The whole situation with him sounds really odd. So he's an extrovert who has no friends to spend time with and doesn't want to socialize or do any activities besides gaming? Doesn't really sound like an extrovert to me, an extrovert is someone who's drawn to other people and who gets along with others, he doesn't fit the description. And he requires CONSTANT attention, but only from his mom, at the age of 10? Something just doesn't quite add up here. How exactly does he ask for that attention and how does she respond?
A 10 year old boy should not require his mom to pay attention to him 24/7, he should be getting at least part of his socialization needs from peers and outside activities. IMO he shouldn't have the 'choice' not to participate in anything besides school, the *choice* of activity should be up to him but he should do at least one extracurricular thing. He needs to learn to socialize and find peers with shared interests, even if it's just video games. As I said, if he's geeky-minded, there are plenty of choices now for kids that focus on that - he could even start learning how to design his own video games if that's what he's into. Kids need stimulation and to keep occupied, and at that age it shouldn't be exclusively with parents. He's probably bored out of his mind which is why he's driving mom crazy, which is probably why she's tired and retreating into herself even more. That's not to say she shouldn't interact with him, but something else for him to do after school would provide a much-needed break for both of them, it's essential.
I was wondering about all this, too.
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Seems like he just wants to vent about her on here without providing any specific details.
