Bio-mom wants contact after many years (child support, custody, deadbeat, legally)
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Here is the situation. I was granted full sole custody of my 2 kids almost 4 years ago. My daughters are 17 and about to be 16. Their mom was allowed to call the kids as much as she wanted which was/is to be supervised by me. Her last phone call to either one of them was the day my oldest turned 14 (over 3 years ago). She never said she wasn't going to be calling any longer, she just shut off contact, no phone calls, emails, letters, anything ever since. I attempted to call her and the only number I had for her was disconnected.
Today, out of the blue, she sends me an email stating she wants to talk to the girls and the parenting plan says I have to provide that. The problem is, how do I bring this up to my kids who are well old enough to have formed their own opinions on the subject. They have been to counseling numerous times over all of this and have brought up to me that they feel abandoned by her. How do I bring this up to them, and should I let them make the decision whether or not they want to talk to her?
P.S. She was also ordered to pay child support when I was granted custody, that hasn't happened either.
I think just a sit down when you have had time to process it a bit. When you all are away from the hustle and bustle of life and can talk. I fostered a teen age girl and she refused to speak to her parents at all. THey had abandoned her also. I wouldn't take a hard stance on it with them, they are old enough to decide. You should be prepared to go back to court if they don't want to talk to her and fight for them. Or be totally open to them talking to her if they want to.
Its not a fair place to be in, but...you just have to be there to support your daughters and let them work out their relationship with their "mom"
P.S. I doubt she will take you back to court if they refuse to speak to her because she owes you money...she doesn't sound "together" at all. So you can leave that in her ball court if they refuse. Just email back "I spoke with the girls and they are choosing not to have a relationship with you" and then ignore further emails. Do not get sucked into drama.
Three years is not really that many years at all. I haven't contacted my parent for probably more then that many years one time. Or more then an year or so. It is like leaving off an page of my life that was never written. Stupid reasons, and stupid reasons separated. Honestly if your kids are doing okay you shouldn't mind. However if they are the kind that wants an easy answer out that is an iffi question.
Like my Grandpa wanted me to live with him for awhile and nobody had money for me to get the needed training for me to associate with him. Then other family members ( extended family ) scared him away from me, and he got tired of the communications. Big talk but no action from the parent who put the idea in my head. It would have been great for my career as the location is where one of my primes would have been.
If anything respect the other parent or family member as an resource of location. Give as much respect as you can give. You have your tolerance and stress levels.
Why write this on an form. Don't you have parents to seek advice from????
You need to sit your children down separately and let them know their mother wants to speak with them. Leave any personal judgements behind and let them see the positive and negative things that may come up. Be honest with them.
I would say, "I know we haven't talked with her in a while, but your mother has asked to have contact with you. I know you probably have mixed emotions about this. I want you to think about this for a bit and then we can talk about it. "
The fact that she owes child support needs to be addressed separately. You need to speak to a lawyer.
Toss the email out and act like you never got it. You don't need trash like that around your kids. Also, talk to a lawyer about having her rights severed.
The fact that she hasn't paid court ordered child support might aggravate me, and I would definitely bring it up with her. I wouldn't just let her off the hook without comment.
I think the children have to decide if they really want to talk to their 'mom'. I would try to avoid poisoning their minds, they are likely and hopefully smart enough to figure it out.
I have an old acquaintance who is a deadbeat 'dad'. He also is allowed to talk by phone to kids. He says the kids give him robotic answers, always the same, and don't engage in any real conversation. He became so frustrated that he stopped calling altogether which is probably best for all involved, given his inabilities as a parent/person.
Tell them she sent an email and you have to comply unless you take her back to court and have that changed.
They only have to comply until they are 18 years old though, then they can do what they want.
One more thing, they may have to comply to see or be on the telephone with her but they don't have to talk.
Don't mention this to your girls until you first talk to your attorney, an unexplained absence of this length of time warrants a new visitation order...Courts do not like when non-custodial parents just disappear.
Tell the Mom you are seeking advice and will address visitation after you've talked to your attorney and the courts. Often the court will order supervised visitation when there has been so much disruption. Plus the C.S. issue needs to be addressed.
The main thing is your girls...they may need to talk to their counselor and process this before getting back into any sort of visitation schedule. This disappearance had wreaked havoc on their young lives....Your ex certainly isn't thinking about these kids at all.
My guess is as soon as you mention seeking advice from your attorney, she'll likely disappear again
I agree to speak to an attorney. This "parenting plan" was ignored for THREE years, if she can ignore it for three years that doesn't mean you have to jump to comply, no judge in his right mind would get mad at you for taking the time to see what has to be done legally. And if an attorney tells you "ignore her until you have to go to court" I'd do that.
Honestly in your shoes I wouldn't even acknowledge their egg donor with a response. She doesn't deserve it, let her take you to court. Ignore her communication and if she shows up on your doorstep call the cops and say some crazy woman is at your door. I hope she does not know where you live. DO NOT tell her where you live and tell people to NOT let her know your address either.
DO NOT tell your girls about this, it could be upsetting to them.
I mean why now? Because the are essentially almost adults and don't need as much care and attention as they did years ago? If I were your girls I'd be so upset wondering WHY she blocked me out so long and NOW wants back in, they shouldn't have to deal with that, protect them from her.
Obviously she brings nothing good to their lives.
I'd look up some books like "toxic parents" and so on to give to your daughters to read so they know they are not obligated to speak to this woman and shouldn't feel guilty if the decide they don't want to speak to her anymore.
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