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IT would be a mistake to blow this out of proportion for the daughter. SHe will be dealing with this person for her whole life. IF she did not feel violated no sense in making her feel like she SHOULD be messed up over this.
In a way I agree with you, but not really. The way it is handled now will play the biggest role in how she copes with it over time.
A 7 year old will be changed by the molestation. Pretending it was nothing and "she is acting fine" is not how you handle it. Getting overly worked up isn't either. That's where a professional comes in.
I'd want custody of both my kids but certainly your son is a great idea. Your ex seems .... not quite calibrated.
I agree it's learned behavior. I imagine he's coming across porn on the internet or somewhere. Every Young Man's Battle is supposed to be a great book.
Get your son to a therapist asap. That is learned behavior from something in his life and you need to find out what and put a stop to it immediately. He may be the victim of an abuser, or he may have got it from internet/tv. I hope, for everyone's sake, he just got it from schoolyard talk or (unlikely) just came up with it himself.
Get ready to bring cps and the police in, if it turns out to be an abuser. You need to carpet bomb the adults in that boy's life until somebody talks.
I hope that what your ex came up with is the truth, but it sounds like some crazy bs to me. The best case scenario is that your son is gay and came up with that himself.
Good luck, dude. You just walked into a ****storm. Its going to be tough, but I know you will sort it out for the sake of your kids.
I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree with you about his son being abused as to why he did this to his sister. The fact that the boy was trying to experiment on his sister does not mean he or she have been sexually abused prior to this. Things like this happen far more than anyone knows, IMO. I know this personally, and I'm not going to explain why.
Last edited by gouligann; 12-01-2015 at 08:22 PM..
What a sickening problem to deal with. I feel very sorry for all involved.
Both the son and the daughter need a qualified youth therapist who will take them through this slowly to get the whole story. The focus seems to be on the son in this thread, but what about the daughter?
Was this just a preliminary act of what they've done before since she didn't exactly go screaming down the hallway when it happened? She obviously wasn't shocked, so something similar or worse has happened before this.
If the son is gay, that is a bridge to cross later on, once the son and daughter realize (hopefully) that they were doing things together that aren't accepted.
Do not bring this to the attention of CPS or the police.
Do not involve the family court system.
Try to negotiate with your ex a temporary change in custody. If the daughter wants to be with you, let her. If she wants to stay with mom, let her. But, keep everything else as normal as possible (no changes in schools, alteration of extracurricular activities, etc.)
Find a discreet therapist for both children. I would do a female therapist for daughter and a male therapist for son just to figure out how long this has been going on and how, if at all, the children have been impacted.
If it is bad, try to have custody legally changed.
In a way I agree with you, but not really. The way it is handled now will play the biggest role in how she copes with it over time.
A 7 year old will be changed by the molestation. Pretending it was nothing and "she is acting fine" is not how you handle it. Getting overly worked up isn't either. That's where a professional comes in.
Having had a 8 yr old daughter just a few years ago who can't remember Disneyworld trips we took when she was 8, I know that if you MAKE this a huge deal instead of just a boundary reminder for her and him and how we do not touch others etc... then she will feel she SHOULD be upset about it to please the adults. This could be handled without her being in therapy her whole life. IF she comes to the parents and acts like she is upset over this then therapy for her feelings to be addressed should happen, if when prodded she does not say this bothers her or asks further about why he did this to her etc... then i would drop it.
What a sickening problem to deal with. I feel very sorry for all involved.
Both the son and the daughter need a qualified youth therapist who will take them through this slowly to get the whole story. The focus seems to be on the son in this thread, but what about the daughter?
Was this just a preliminary act of what they've done before since she didn't exactly go screaming down the hallway when it happened? She obviously wasn't shocked, so something similar or worse has happened before this.
If the son is gay, that is a bridge to cross later on, once the son and daughter realize (hopefully) that they were doing things together that aren't accepted.
That is a big possibility. You would have to ask her. She also may just be oblivious.
Having had a 8 yr old daughter just a few years ago who can't remember Disneyworld trips we took when she was 8, I know that if you MAKE this a huge deal instead of just a boundary reminder for her and him and how we do not touch others etc... then she will feel she SHOULD be upset about it to please the adults. This could be handled without her being in therapy her whole life. IF she comes to the parents and acts like she is upset over this then therapy for her feelings to be addressed should happen, if when prodded she does not say this bothers her or asks further about why he did this to her etc... then i would drop it.
IT is all about her perception on this event.
My niece was molested when she was 7. It wasn't "major". The guy did go to jail for a short time. She "acted fine". No one got her help (I begged them to). They said she will forget and it wasn't a big deal.
Boy were they wrong. She suffers greatly as a young adult. She feels bad for getting the guy in trouble. Dirty for it happening. She has internalized it all.
There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between being molested and a trip to Disney world. I won't even go into it because it's an absurd comparison.
I'm really shocked there are still so many misconceptions about sexual abuse. I think most people do get it. But it's shocking to see in sometimes in the forum.
That is a big possibility. You would have to ask her. She also may just be oblivious.
Having kids in this age range, if my son ever tried to put his penis on or near her, my daughter would freak out. And I think that is normal. Something much deeper is going on here.
Do not bring this to the attention of CPS or the police.
Do not involve the family court system.
Try to negotiate with your ex a temporary change in custody. If the daughter wants to be with you, let her. If she wants to stay with mom, let her. But, keep everything else as normal as possible (no changes in schools, alteration of extracurricular activities, etc.)
Find a discreet therapist for both children. I would do a female therapist for daughter and a male therapist for son just to figure out how long this has been going on and how, if at all, the children have been impacted.
If it is bad, try to have custody legally changed.
This. Especially the segment I bolded.
As someone who has dealt with CPS and family court with my daughter (now nearly 2yo) and a former police officer, trust me when I say you DO NOT want to involve any of them. They are not your friends. They are not there to help you. The worst thing you could possibly do in this situation is involve these agencies (except child placement arrangements, which will obviously involve the court).
Treat government departments and their agents like mushrooms: keep them in the dark and feed them s--t.
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