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I just scanned through this thread, but the one thing I didn't really see is whether or not you have had a frank discussion with your daughter about her mother's illness ...
... Does she have a close girlfriend where she might be able to stay locally until things calm down. Its a lot to ask someone but you never know.
I need to do a better job of talking with her about this. I mean yes, we have talked about it, but it hasn't seemed "heart-to-heart". But that's on me to improve on.
Regarding point two ... she doesn't have someone she could stay with long-term. But I did arrange for her to stay with her friend for a week in mid-February. It's just her friend and friend's mom because the dad in that family passed away a year ago. My mother-in-law, who isn't a super role-model, but at least stable and generous enough is going to watch the other kids. My wife and I are going on a cruise. I figure it will be a beneficial break for everyone involved.
I need to do a better job of talking with her about this. I mean yes, we have talked about it, but it hasn't seemed "heart-to-heart". But that's on me to improve on.
Regarding point two ... she doesn't have someone she could stay with long-term. But I did arrange for her to stay with her friend for a week in mid-February. It's just her friend and friend's mom because the dad in that family passed away a year ago. My mother-in-law, who isn't a super role-model, but at least stable and generous enough is going to watch the other kids. My wife and I are going on a cruise. I figure it will be a beneficial break for everyone involved.
Excuse me? You're wife is emotionally unstable and is abusive towards your daughter and your solution is to ship the kids off and go on a cruise with your wife?
Cancel the cruise, contact therapists, ask for advice on what to do and then when the kids are gone instead of going on a vacation that will not fix anything. Take her in to meet with therapist and tell her that this isn't working she needs to get help.
Then give her the ultimatum she needs. Make 2 plans A.) she agrees to treatment and commits to it that day or she can take B.) you'll be separating from her until she decides to get help and will need to find another living arrangement.
You're life is crumbling apart and your solution is a cruise
So your very unstable and abusive bipolar wife verbally berates your young daughter to the point of tears and anger and terrible frustration - and your response is to ship off the kids for a week while you take your wife on a CRUISE?? Do you not realize that this is rewarding her for her execrable behavior? Shoot, ship her off to granny and take the kids on a cruise!
Good heavens, man, you are in severe denial and are as out of touch with reality as your wife seems to be. Please, please, get everyone in your family into counseling and treatment, both family and individual. Quit making excuses, stop procrastinating, look at the reality of the situation instead of playing make-believe, cancel the cruise and get your wife into treatment for her mental illness. Seriously. This is one of the worst ideas I've ever encountered.
So your very unstable and abusive bipolar wife verbally berates your young daughter to the point of tears and anger and terrible frustration - and your response is to ship off the kids for a week while you take your wife on a CRUISE?? Do you not realize that this is rewarding her for her execrable behavior?
You're mistaking the OPs wife for a child in need of behavior modification. Not the case. It is not the OPs job to discipline his wife. WTH?
She is a person with an ILLNESS, one that is exacerbated by stress. The theory of taking a vacation to relieve stress...especially from the demands of 4 parenting children, is not ridiculous.
I feel bad, though, because one thing I've been reflecting on about my childhood was our inability to have fun. Mom would carefully plan 'fun' and when things didn't go her way, she would wreck it. Then blame others. It was years before I learned to be spontaneous and learn how to turn a less than desirable situation around. (I did it for my kids)
So I admit I'd be surprised if this cruise turns out successfully, considering the wife's apparent deteriorating condition. But I am not there, and I don't know the woman, so I hope for the best for the OP!
You people are amazingly judgemental. It was her therapists recommendation. Trust the Internet gurus to have all the answers from their holy ivory towers. I have navigated through hell for 6 months and yes I am spending 5 days alone with her. Mock all you want.
Honestly this thread was a mistake. Enjoy your self-righteous anonymous posts while I navigate real life problems.
Was it your wifes therapists idea or your daughters?
I'm honestly not being judgmental, someone replying to you on the Internet only knows exactly what you tell them. It's not judgmental when they offer advice you asked for, based on the info you provided.
Just because you don't agree, it doesn't always mean that person is being judgmental.
Was it your wifes therapists idea or your daughters?
I'm honestly not being judgmental, someone replying to you on the Internet only knows exactly what you tell them. It's not judgmental when they offer advice you asked for, based on the info you provided.
Just because you don't agree, it doesn't always mean that person is being judgmental.
It was her therapists suggestion that she escape the winter dark and cold and take a break. Agreed the responses and info go both ways and is only as good as what is conveyed.
QUOTE=Stagemomma;42807760]You're mistaking the OPs wife for a child in need of behavior modification. Not the case. It is not the OPs job to discipline his wife. WTH?
She is a person with an ILLNESS, one that is exacerbated by stress. The theory of taking a vacation to relieve stress...especially from the demands of 4 parenting children, is not ridiculous.
While the OP's wife is certainly not a child, it seems clear that she is severely in need of what you term "behavior modification", since she is abusing her child. It certainly IS the OP's job not to "discipline his wife", but to protect his child from her mother's abuse.
I am well aware that she is a person with an illness. I urge the OP to get help for his wife, who has received various "treatments" but who has also not been consistent with her own efforts to get well. She has chosen to discontinue counseling, against professional advice, and does not appear to be taking her meds regularly. If her meds are not effective, she needs to tell her doctor(s) so that they can be adjusted.
Regardless of whether she chooses to do these things or not, her children do not deserve to be verbally abused and distressed to the point the OP describes. They are victims of their mother's illness, too. What about the stress it causes them? Their parents deliberately chose to have the younger two children, fully aware of the mother's fragility and instability. Blaming these children for the resulting "demands of parenting 4 children" IS ridiculous.
A vacation is not likely to correct the chemical imbalance that seems to be going on. Nor can it take the place of effective counseling. At best, it will offer a distraction, a change of scene, perhaps more physical rest and a break from day-to-day stresses. None of these things are bad - but when the week is up and that ship has docked - what them? More of the same?
Last edited by PJSaturn; 01-28-2016 at 01:07 PM..
Reason: Fixed a technical glitch.
You're mistaking the OPs wife for a child in need of behavior modification. Not the case. It is not the OPs job to discipline his wife. WTH?
She is a person with an ILLNESS, one that is exacerbated by stress. The theory of taking a vacation to relieve stress...especially from the demands of 4 parenting children, is not ridiculous.
I feel bad, though, because one thing I've been reflecting on about my childhood was our inability to have fun. Mom would carefully plan 'fun' and when things didn't go her way, she would wreck it. Then blame others. It was years before I learned to be spontaneous and learn how to turn a less than desirable situation around. (I did it for my kids)
So I admit I'd be surprised if this cruise turns out successfully, considering the wife's apparent deteriorating condition. But I am not there, and I don't know the woman, so I hope for the best for the OP!
We had a cooky family invite themselves on a vacation with us...the mom planned things down to the detail and when I didn't go along with it (I was polite, but the things she planned didn't suit us AT ALL so I said we would plan our own activities but still get together several times over the trip). She ended up spending the entire time locked in her room, clearly making her family miserable. And she didn't go on any of the outings she had planned.
As an aside, I don't think vacations are very relaxing for moms...unless the kids stay home.
[QUOTE=Stagemomma;42807760]You're mistaking the OPs wife for a child in need of behavior modification. Not the case. It is not the OPs job to discipline his wife. WTH?
She is a person with an ILLNESS, one that is exacerbated by stress. The theory of taking a vacation to relieve stress...especially from the demands of 4 parenting children, is not ridiculous.
While the OP's wife is certainly not a child, it seems clear that she is severely in need of what you term "behavior modification", since she is abusing her child. It certainly IS the OP's job not to "discipline his wife", but to protect his child from her mother's abuse.
I am well aware that she is a person with an illness. I urge the OP to get help for his wife, who has received various "treatments" but who has also not been consistent with her own efforts to get well. She has chosen to discontinue counseling, against professional advice, and does not appear to be taking her meds regularly. If her meds are not effective, she needs to tell her doctor(s) so that they can be adjusted.
Regardless of whether she chooses to do these things or not, her children do not deserve to be verbally abused and distressed to the point the OP describes. They are victims of their mother's illness, too. What about the stress it causes them? Their parents deliberately chose to have the younger two children, fully aware of the mother's fragility and instability. Blaming these children for the resulting "demands of parenting 4 children" IS ridiculous.
A vacation is not likely to correct the chemical imbalance that seems to be going on. Nor can it take the place of effective counseling. At best, it will offer a distraction, a change of scene, perhaps more physical rest and a break from day-to-day stresses. None of these things are bad - but when the week is up and that ship has docked - what them? More of the same?
She is taking her meds. She has a psychiatrist appt today and we will discuss further adjustments. Yes she quit counseling, and I can't force that unless it gets to the point of forced hospitalization. There are problems, but you have taken a tangent and decided you have all the answers. No single thing is going to lead to a complete solution.
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