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So tonight I found out that my daughter's best friend (they are both in middle school) is not only dealing with anorexia, but has recently starting cutting.
I have NO idea how to advise my daughter. She is only 12 years old - she has a decent head on her shoulders, and we have great communication with each other. She and I have had many conversations about teen issues and I've asked her many times that if she needs to talk, please come to me. I do not know her friend well - they only became friends this year at school. They only have one class together, but formed an immediate bond and became besties.
I've met the girl's mom briefly (not the dad), and she seems like a nice mom. But she's got a daughter who is clearly struggling with SOMETHING. And, unfortunately, leading my daughter down the road to becoming codependent because my daughter wants to "save" her and is constantly being put in a position to give this other girl pep talks and "i know you can stop this" speeches (which ultimately fail when the girl cuts herself again).
I told my daughter that she needs to tell her friend to find a trusted adult to confide in. A teacher, a guidance counselor, someone at church (although my daughter doesn't think she goes to church). I told my daughter that her friend is going through some SERIOUS STUFF and it is NOT up to her (my daughter) to fix her friend.
Anyone go through something like this? Part of me wants to get my daughter away from this girl and all the teen angst drama. But the other part of me thinks if I forbid the friendship, the girl may do something stupid and blame my daughter for it (i.e., "I cut myself and it's all your fault - if you hadn't stopped being my friend I wouldn't have done it."), causing tremendous guilt for my daughter.
I was REALLY hoping I could make it through my daughter's teen years with no drama - I concentrated so hard on having HER be a strong, confident girl, that I didn't even stop to think that she may end up with friends who don't have that same outlook.
I have to wonder if maybe you are the one teaching her to be codependent by trying to save her from everything that comes up in her life including the friend. It sounds like your daughter is doing the same thing with her pep talks that you have done with her.
Your daughter told a trusted adult: you. You cannot keep this to yourself and put it on your daughter to convince the friend to talk to someone. Call the mom, call the school and speak with a counselor, something.
this is a tough one..... first of all if she is cutting ....her mother should know this...
you being trusted parent is still the parent,,i think you should call her mother and talk to her..
your daughter is in a tough spot... her hearts in the right place,,,but damn if that girl .. does the ultimate cut,, ...your daughter will blame herself ... and so will you if you don't talk to her mother
you cant let crazy, you cant let desperate behavior trump common sense
if I were you id talk to my daughter one on one ... id get some stats of how many teenage suicides happen every year.... thousands and thousands.....and how many of those "trusted" close friends wish they alerted adults of the harmful behavior....
these are the kids crying uncontrollably at the funeral because they are blaming themselves - they could have helped..
also ask your daughter what is the definition of a good friend??? does a good friend steal from one another?? lie ?? NO!! if you saw your friend drowning....would you save her?? yes you would want to- she is drowning now...and she needs a lifejacket not from you but her mother and counselors...
whats next beyond cutting?? it aint sewing...
sometimes a good friend does whats best .... not whats popular
I think its on you to call the school guidance counselor or her mom. She is still young enough that you are totally within healthy parenting to take over when the situation is too adult.
As for them hanging out...I'd be honest. It would worry me. I had a friend commit suicide when we were 14. I also emulated older girls with eating disorders (they were "cool" then). I don't think I would "forbid" my child to hang out with someone under these circumstances. But I might encourage her to develop some new hobbies and monitor the friendship.
I agree with telling the girls parents. I think I assumed you would do that or had already done that already.
As far as your own daughter, the best thing you can do is to teach her about not saving other people from their own decisions. This includes you setting the example of not saving your daughter from uncomfortable situations and allowing her to make mistakes and face the consequences of her mistakes.
I agree with telling the girls parents. I think I assumed you would do that or had already done that already.
As far as your own daughter, the best thing you can do is to teach her about not saving other people from their own decisions. This includes you setting the example of not saving your daughter from uncomfortable situations and allowing her to make mistakes and face the consequences of her mistakes.
But you would agree that this is a "too adult" issue to leave at the feet of a 12 year old to deal with, no?
Your daughter told a trusted adult: you. You cannot keep this to yourself and put it on your daughter to convince the friend to talk to someone. Call the mom, call the school and speak with a counselor, something.
I would definitely tell the school counselor. She can tell the mother. Because you are right, something is going on and it needs to be addressed. By telling the counselor you are telling an unbiased person who is not close to it. Whereas if the mother is the problem and you tell her, who knows what will happen? The counselor is also required to document it and so it won't be swept under the rug.
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