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I would agree that it isn't the length of time they are putting into helping you, but rather the stress of being pulled into family drama.
I recall being asked by a cousin to "look in" on her daughter (who had also blocked her). It was very uncomfortable. It took a moment of my day. But I felt bad like I was invading someone's privacy and breaking trust. I had to put an end to it.
I also want you to step back and compare the length of your posts with the length of average posts. Can you make any inferences just looking at the differences?
It's also coming back to the enabling thing, dad is still looking out for me even though I'm refusing to speak to him, so nothing bad is going to happen.
You should probably stop for a moment and consider why my uncontroversial statement of fact provoked such a lengthy, personally hostile, defensive response.
You are not just asking these people for a two-second favor. You're asking them to run interference in a family drama.
So, let me get this straight. My daughter has been gone for 11 days, with no contact or communication with anyone in our family, and we literally have no way to even verify that she is alive on our own, and you think it's inappropriate to ask a family friend - one of whom I've known for over 25 years, and the other for over two years, both of whom are females, who have children of their own and can empathize with what I'm going through, and have met and gotten to know my daughter and have something of a relationship with her - to take literally 1-2 minutes of their time to send a couple messages to try to help me get some peace of mind by at least being able to breathe easier knowing that my daughter is alive?
Because, just so you know, literally every second of every day is affected while not knowing where your child is or if they are alive and safe. And I realize that right now, there is nothing that I can do to get my daughter to come home or to even reach out to me. That's just the reality of it. But, what good comes from not trying to calm my emotions and get myself some much-needed peace of mind by being able to verify that my daughter is alive? Really, what is so wrong with my wanting to know that my daughter's alive and safe? I have tried to describe how my life is affected constantly whenever she is gone; how I can't enjoy eating, watching TV, listening to the radio, or talking to someone on the phone or in person. Every time I'm doing those thing, I'm not able to be myself, because I'm not myself, because my child is not safe at home and I don't even know for sure if they are alive. How do you not understand this more?
If you were in my position, would you really not want to try to at least get some sort of proof that your child is alive? Please answer this for me.
Or, would you rather I just live my life and have constant worry while wondering if my daughter is alive? Instead of asking a friend to send my daughter a couple messages, 2-3 times over the course of 10 days, because that is asking too much of a friend?
Please reply and elaborate on why this is such an awful thing to do and outrageous favor to ask?
By the way, you do realize that without these two people sending my daughter a message and then letting me know that they heard back from her, that I would literally have no other way of knowing that my daughter is alive, right?
And, according to what I interpreted from your post, wanting the peace of mind and comfort that can come from getting conformation that your child is alive is not good enough reason to ask these friends for their help?
Obviously, we can just agree to disagree; but I genuinely don't see how what I'm doing by asking these two friends to at least help me verify that my child is alive is wrong, inappropriate or imposing. And I would be willing to do the same thing for any of my friends, or any human being who needed to ask for such a small favor that would have such a significant effect.
Last edited by BillyJackAz; 07-19-2016 at 04:07 AM..
So you told the police that your 2 9MM guns were stolen and that you think that your daughter stole them and they just took a report? Did they bother talking to your daughter? Is there any sort of investigation going on that would attempt to recover the guns before they are used in the commission of a crime?
When I reported the guns stolen, it was like an hour after they had been stolen and my daughter was obviously not at home at the time, and was not home again until several days later. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't particularly excited about the reality of possibly having my daughter arrested and charged with a felony. I'm sure that some of you are stronger than I am when it comes to things like this, but it was not easy for me to think about possibly trying to press charges against my daughter. Also, my daughter did speak with a different detective and, from what I could tell, was (seemingly) very open and honest about the situation, but the guns have not been recovered yet. Also, while I did feel that my daughter was being open and honest, I can't automatically believe what she says these days, so I can't be sure of anything.
If I was being asked to be involved in drug drama 3 or 4 times a WEEK, yes I would want to stop helping you. I would wonder why you had not done something real and constructive. I would not want to participate in the constant drama.
Fortunate indeed! May that continue to be the case.
I don't know what exactly it is that I could be doing that is real and constructive right now, as my daughter is in some other city 80-90 miles away and hasn't communicated with me in 10 days. It's not like everything that can possibly be done is conveniently available for me 24 hours a day. I am willing to get counseling and speak to someone about and seek help for what's going on with my family. And I'd be happy to do it along with my daughter, or just by myself. But, getting counseling appointments takes time, packets have to be filled out, intake interviews have to be done, openings have to be available in order for appointments to be made; so it's not like I could call the local counseling center in the morning and get an appointment to meet with a counselor later in the day.
And for the record, my starting this thread was me making an effort to try to get some help. I don't get enjoyment or entertainment from posting in here about this stuff; it's actually stressful and frustrating and miserable for me, for the most part. Largely, because I suck at typing (and I still use the chicken-peck) and my posts are so often so lengthy that it's a frustrating, time-consuming process that I don't enjoy, and will often put off doing, because I dread how long the next post is likely going to take me to compose.
As for your stance about how you would be bothered by a friend asking you to reach out to their child and help them know that they were alive 2-3 times in a week, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on that on. However, I will wholeheartedly agree that I am glad that my friends aren't like you in that regard.
And do me a favor. Please don't post in this thread again. Not because I am scared by disagreements or bothered by criticisms, but because I don't see any good/benefit coming from what you're likely to say, and I don't want to be distracted by your posts and feel tempted to respond to them. I have a hard enough time getting myself to type important replies, so I don't need any obstacles or distractions in the way of my participation in this thread. So, please know that I mean this sincerely and that I would appreciate it if you would no longer post in this thread. Thank you!
I have a son (our youngest) who stole $19,000 from us. He also stole my credit cards and maxed them out. He sold his car for $500, sold his motorcycle for $200, his phone, anything and everything he could get his hands on. He committed burglaries, couldn't hold down a job and couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. Trouble is, as a meth head, all he would think about was financing his habit. He would sell things for pennies on the dollar. Yes, he sold a $12,000 dollar set of wedding rings for $50.00. He even gave the "trade in your gold and silver store" his drivers license. How stupid can you get?
As a parent, you look for ways to help---but you can't. We did the therapist thing, we paid for hospitalization, detox --all to no avail. It felt like we had let him down and it was a direct reflection of our parenting skills. We couldn't understand how we could have 3 boys, all raised in the same family, same mother, same father, same ethics, same house and have two sons who went on with their lives earning their Masters and, yet, this youngest struggled to graduate from High School.
It hurts, but you can't help your kid until your kid realizes they need help and they are willing to do the work to get better. We finally had to kick him out. We changed the locks on the door and we told him that he was over 18 and we would no longer be responsible for his actions. He was told if he was going to continue to use meth and he was going to continue to support his habit through stealing, robbing and cheating, we could not be a part of it. We also didn't want to be around him because the drugs were making him angry, aggressive and violent. We told him we would always love him and if he ever decided to get himself clean we would be there to help him.
Nowadays, it seems that the majority of young people use or have used some type of drug. There are people who can handle drugs as a form of recreation, they experiment and never get hooked. But there are others (such as our children) who can't. My son has lost three of his friends due to drug overdose. I know when one of the boys was looking for help, it wasn't available because there was a list of applicants waiting for psychiatric counseling. That tells you how prevalent drug addition is. Drug addition is like cancer in so many ways in that It doesn't care about your gender, race, ethnicity, how much money you have or don't have.
I'm truly sorry you are going through this because I can relate. I understand your pain. Unfortunately, It will be one of the hardest things you do as a parent, but you got to let her go. It doesn't mean you forget her, but you got to let her hit rock bottom in order for her to decide what she wants to do. Otherwise, she will continue to take advantage of you because you're an easy target.
I would agree that it isn't the length of time they are putting into helping you, but rather the stress of being pulled into family drama.
I recall being asked by a cousin to "look in" on her daughter (who had also blocked her). It was very uncomfortable. It took a moment of my day. But I felt bad like I was invading someone's privacy and breaking trust. I had to put an end to it.
I also want you to step back and compare the length of your posts with the length of average posts. Can you make any inferences just looking at the differences?
First off, with regards to asking these two friends to reach out to my daughter, they have actually been in contact with my daughter several times while she has taken off over these past 2-3 months without my asking them to do so. They have something of a friendship (despite them both being older than my daughter and only knowing my daughter because of their friendship with me) and my daughter has reached out to them at times while she has been gone. Including this most-recent time. So, I honestly believe that it's not as though I am putting them in an awkward or uncomfortable spot in any way by asking them to send her a message.
Furthermore, they make it a point to not let her know that they are reaching out to her on my behalf. And they don't try to inappropriately invade her privacy, other than to send a short message that basically just checks on her or says hello and asks how she's doing and if she's OK. Then, they will let me know that she responded and I can breathe a little more easily and not have feelings of dread and panic throughout most of the day. I honestly don't understand how some of you aren't more understanding and empathetic of this. If your child were doing what my daughter is doing, and you hadn't heard from your child in over a week, and had literally no way to even try to reach out to them and/or verify that she is alive, would you really refrain from asking a friend to send a short message and see if your child responds, so that you would then at least know that they were alive? Seriously?! I'm all for being considerate and not imposing on others; but something like this would certainly seem to be appropriate and reasonable. At least, in my book and with anyone whom I would consider a friend.
I genuinely hope that none of you ever find yourself in a situation like what I'm going through right now, but if you were to, I can't help but wonder if you would let yourself be tortured throughout each day while wondering if your child is even alive, when you could get some instant peace of mind by simply asking a friend to send your child a message? And, yes, this would include if you wanted to ask this friend to do this for you 2-3, 4-5, or even 6-7 times per week. And for the record, I often like being left alone and not having to text/call/talk to others, but if someone's child was missing or had taken off and was possibly in danger, and they needed/wanted me to send a damn text message or Facebook message that would take maybe 1 minute of my time, so that they might be able to have the peace of mind and comfort of knowing that their child was alive and safe, as the saying goes, I would be more than happy to do that for them. And they damn sure wouldn't have to ask me twice!
Some people are mostly selfish and some are mostly selfless. It seems as though we have some of both posting in this thread.
Also, I am aware that my posts are much longer than most others. I'm pretty sure that I even specifically mentioned in the original post that my posts are often very lengthy and that I was going to try to make it relatively concise (which I obviously failed at doing). FYI, I hate that I feel the need to type so much. That's the main reason that I don't post/reply more often, because I dread typing, because of how long my posts is likely going to be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lbjen
It's also coming back to the enabling thing, dad is still looking out for me even though I'm refusing to speak to him, so nothing bad is going to happen.
FYI, as I mentioned in the reply above this, lately/currently, when I ask these two friends to try to reach out to my daughter and see if she replies, they specifically do not let her know that I have asked them to try to contact her. They just try to have a simple message exchange/conversation and then let me know if she replied and if she seems to be OK. And if something were to sound/seem like it was wrong or that she was in danger or in need of some sort of help, I'm certain that they would try to think of what they could do to try to help her. They are fully aware of the situation and what's going on with her, and from what I believe/understand, they understand and respect both my and my daughter's positions. And they both realize that if my daughter were to find out/even suspect that they were communicating with me about their interactions, that my daughter would likely stop communicating with them.
Last edited by BillyJackAz; 07-19-2016 at 04:37 AM..
I have a son (our youngest) who stole $19,000 from us. He also stole my credit cards and maxed them out. He sold his car for $500, sold his motorcycle for $200, his phone, anything and everything he could get his hands on. He committed burglaries, couldn't hold down a job and couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. Trouble is, as a meth head, all he would think about was financing his habit. He would sell things for pennies on the dollar. Yes, he sold a $12,000 dollar set of wedding rings for $50.00. He even gave the "trade in your gold and silver store" his drivers license. How stupid can you get?
As a parent, you look for ways to help---but you can't. We did the therapist thing, we paid for hospitalization, detox --all to no avail. It felt like we had let him down and it was a direct reflection of our parenting skills. We couldn't understand how we could have 3 boys, all raised in the same family, same mother, same father, same ethics, same house and have two sons who went on with their lives earning their Masters and, yet, this youngest struggled to graduate from High School.
It hurts, but you can't help your kid until your kid realizes they need help and they are willing to do the work to get better. We finally had to kick him out. We changed the locks on the door and we told him that he was over 18 and we would no longer be responsible for his actions. He was told if he was going to continue to use meth and he was going to continue to support his habit through stealing, robbing and cheating, we could not be a part of it. We also didn't want to be around him because the drugs were making him angry, aggressive and violent. We told him we would always love him and if he ever decided to get himself clean we would be there to help him.
Nowadays, it seems that the majority of young people use or have used some type of drug. There are people who can handle drugs as a form of recreation, they experiment and never get hooked. But there are others (such as our children) who can't. My son has lost three of his friends due to drug overdose. I know when one of the boys was looking for help, it wasn't available because there was a list of applicants waiting for psychiatric counseling. That tells you how prevalent drug addition is. Drug addition is like cancer in so many ways in that It doesn't care about your gender, race, ethnicity, how much money you have or don't have.
I'm truly sorry you are going through this because I can relate. I understand your pain. Unfortunately, It will be one of the hardest things you do as a parent, but you got to let her go. It doesn't mean you forget her, but you got to let her hit rock bottom in order for her to decide what she wants to do. Otherwise, she will continue to take advantage of you because you're an easy target.
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply and share some of your story with me! I understand what you are saying, and you are right, it's incredibly hard to even try to stop being there for your child, particularly, when you know that they are doing something that is bad for his/herself. It's so hard, that I still don't see how I'm supposed to not agree to go pick her up and bring her home with me when she decides to call me. It goes against everything a parent thinks and wants to do for their child. Obviously, I am seeking help by posting and telling some of my story on here and sharing the details of my family's situation right now, because I have come to realize that I am ill-prepared and ill-equipped to try to deal with and fix the situation with my daughter right now. I'm also starting to realize that just loving and caring and being there for someone is not necessarily the best thing to do. So, please know that I really appreciate people like yourself sharing some of their personal story with me.
I really want to ask, though (if you don't mind), what happened to/with your son and how is he doing now? And if things did get better for him, what was it that finally helped him decide that he wanted and needed help? And is there anything that he told you or that you learned from him/his friends/through the experience of his addiction that you think might be of some benefit to me? If so, please know that I would genuinely appreciate any and all help that I can get!
Also, I sincerely hope that things have gotten better for your family!!
I don't know what exactly it is that I could be doing that is real and constructive right now,
Seek help for yourself. Have you done that?
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Thanks for sharing some of your story with me!
