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I hope this is the right forum to be posting this in. I also want to say that I often struggle with writing overly/unnecessarily-long posts, but I will try to keep this relatively concise, in hopes that more people will actually read it and then be willing to try to offer potentially helpful advice.
I also want to say that the last 3 months have been incredibly stressful and draining and have taken a lot out of me. To the point where I feel like I'm losing my mind and often can't think clearly, and it has also affected my memory. So if I leave out some important details, or can't add/clarify something, please know that it's probably because I can't recall it properly, because of the toll this has taken on me, and not that I'm deliberately trying to hide or sugarcoat things. I will try to be extremely honest and forthcoming whenever necessary, because the point of this post is try to get help for my daughter and myself and our family overall.
Basically, my daughter, who is 19 years-old, has recently been in a downward-spiral of self-destruction and it is mostly because she started doing crystal meth and is (at least, seemingly) on her way to becoming an addict. My daughter has had pretty serious behavioral problems and has struggled with mental and emotional issues since she was around 12-13 years-old, and she was diagnosed as having some variation of bi-polar (but I'm not sure which one). She has typically been taking 3-4 prescription medications each day for most of the past 6-7 years, which she has recently admitted to not liking having to take/being on, and I believe that this disliking of needing to take psych meds has contributed to her temptation and vulnerability to being drawn to crystal meth.
As for her medications, I know that one of them is Lamotrigine (or Lamictal, being the generic version) that is used as a mood stabilizer. Another is Trazadone, that is to help her sleep at night. At times, she has also taken something to help with nightmares that my daughter has suffered from, and I think that medication is called Prazosin (but I'm not certain of this), and she hasn't been taking the medication for nightmares very often/if at all for several months, maybe longer.
As for her crystal meth usage, I genuinely do not understand it, because I have not ever done any illegal drugs in my life. Not even weed (which I personally don't have a problem with and would be happy if it becomes legalized), not even one time. I didn't ever even get drunk until my 21st birthday and haven't ever been much of a drinker or even had any alcohol to drink while being around my kids, that I can think of. I'm also not a big fan of prescription drugs and I am very leery and afraid of painkillers, because of how addictive, harmful, and damaging they can be. Her mother has also not done any serious drugs, besides smoking marijuana a few times throughout her life. The reason I am mentioning these things about myself and her mother is to point out that my daughter has had no family influences whatsoever that have realistically contributed to her even thinking about trying a drug like crystal meth. I'm not sure whom exactly it is that first introduced my daughter to crystal meth, but I hate that POS, and it definitely was not anyone in our family.
To elaborate a little more on the situation and to try to describe how bad things have gotten, over just the past 3 months, my daughter has stolen from me for the first time in her life, and she has lost/sold/broken/traded for drugs almost all of her clothes and shoes, at least 5 different cell phones, 3 portable bluethooth speakers, and used up $80 worth of our EBT card balance, in exchange for drugs, I assume. We actually live in a small town about 90 miles north of Phoenix (having just moved back up here about 8 months ago) and my daughter doesn't have many/any friends up here, so in order to be able to go do crystal meth, she has to have someone come pick her up from the Phoenix area, which is about an hour and-a-half drive each way. In just the past 3 months, she has somehow gotten down to the Phoenix area 9 different times (including right now, where she has been for almost a full week, and during which time, she has only communicated with me once, which was last Saturday night), only to end up calling me to come pick her up; usually, after not having communicated with me at all for the 3-4-5 or more days that she has been gone for. And, usually, she calls while I'm sleeping and expects me to get up and immediately drive 90 minutes to come pick her up, down to the Phoenix heat, and then drive 90 minutes back home. Only for her to come home and be coming down off the drugs for several days, sit around and eat 4-5 times per day (because she hasn't eaten much/at all for several days) and sleep most of the time (because she also hasn't slept much/at all for several days). During which time, she is mostly impatient, rude, inconsiderate, ungrateful, and extremely irritable and treats me like ****.
Before I forget, I should admit that each of these 8 times over these past 3 months that she has called me to come pick her up while being 80-90 miles away from where we live, I have gotten in the car almost immediately and driven the hour and-a-half each way to go get her and bring her home. The main reason that I am so willing to do this is because I am scared of what could happen to her. I worry tremendously that something bad might happen to her. I watch the news and read stories online and hear about girls who are raped, kidnapped and forced in to human trafficking, or assaulted and murdered, and that fear is what motivates me to be willing to answer my phone and then immediately get up, while exhausted, miserable and angry (at my daughter), and drive 90 miles each way to go pick her up and bring her home with me, where I know she is safe and taken care of and where I can be with her to protect her.
These past 3 months have been extremely draining, though, to the point where I feel like it is changing me and the way my mind functions (from the almost-constant stress and worry, lack of sleep, and frequent negative emotions that this experience is causing me to go through). And I have grown more angry and resentful towards my daughter each time that she has sneakily taken off. And I have been talking to a few people I know personally who have struggled with using crystal meth themself or have dealt with a family member who did, and they all tell me the same thing: That I need to stop being an enabler, that I need to stop being willing to answer the phone and get up and spend 3 hours driving to go pick my daughter up and bring her home again, and that I need to stop letting her use my love for her as her father against me to manipulate me in to always being willing to be there for her when she decides that she needs me to come pick her up. And I've felt that I have been getting stronger lately and closer to the point of being able to tell her, no, when she calls me and tells me that she wants to come home. I really have felt that I was going to be ready to do that.
But, when she finally calls me, and I feel that incredible relief and gratitude that comes with knowing that your child is alive and safe, after you didn't have that feeling for several days, everything changes and I am so happy and grateful that my daughter is alive and safe and that I can now just spend another 3 hours in the car and drive another 180 miles and have her back home with me, where I will be able to know that she is alive and safe each day, and I can breathe easily again and live something of a normal life, without constantly worrying and wondering if my daughter is alive and safe, well, that feeling overpowers the angry and resentment and the misery and fatigue that I had that had made me think that I was close to being strong enough to say no, and it turns out that I wasn't strong enough yet.
By the way, I want to go ahead and post this before I possibly lose what I've written so far, but I am going to come back and edit this post and add a lot more to it, so to anyone who read this and this is the end of it, please come back later on and read what will be the full post.
I also want to add that the help and advice I am asking for are with regards to what type of help I can try to get for my daughter to help her with a drug addiction, as well as her behavioral issues, and also for advice about what I can do as a parent who is trying to do what's best for his daughter and to protect her, but who is apparently mostly/only being an enabler and is actually not doing much/any good for her. I'm aware of Al-Anon and I would be glad to go talk to a counselor, but I feel like I'm ,lost and as though I am possibly losing my mind, so I'd really like to ask for helpful advice, ideas and suggestions!
I'm gonna try to finish this post, for now, at least, because typing this is giving me a headache. I'm sure I wrote more details than are necessary, and I'm sorry for making this post so long, but, like I said, I often write overly-long/thorough posts.
With having given some details about my situation with my daughter, hopefully, some of you can get an idea of what I am going through right now and can try to offer some helpful advice.
Something I would specifically like to ask is, am I really enabling my daughter to continue this type of risky/immoral/dangerous lifestyle by always being willing to go pick her up when she calls me after being gone for several days without contacting or communicating with anyone in our family? Aren't I being a good father by going and picking up my daughter when she's 90 miles away, in the heat, by herself, with nowhere to stay inside at that point? Yes, I know that she chose to leave and put herself in that situation, but as a parent who loves his children more than I love myself, how am I supposed to tell her no and just leave her an hour and-a-half away from home by herself? Especially, when I worry that she may do feel the need to do something even more illegal, more risky, more dangerous to try to get herself out of the situation she's in at that moment? It seems like it's almost-impossible to make a right choice, so I can't help but want to do the kind, caring, protective thing as a dad. Obviously, though, what I've been doing is not getting the desired result, as my daughter is still taking off again, and again, and again, after coming home and getting herself off the drug for a few days. So it truly seems like she doesn't want much help, if any; and as though she is pretty much completely taking my kindness and concern and love for granted and is basically using them against me to get what she wants, and is completely disregarding my concerns and consideration when she is gone for days at a time without even taking a few seconds to let me know that she is alive and safe.
Again, though, I ask: As a father, how are you supposed to leave your child, especially, your daughter, by herself, out in the heat, 90 miles away, and choose not to try to help her and go pick her up and bring her home where you know she is safe? Yes, I know that my daughter knows how much I love her and how much I worry about her and that she is using that against me to get what she wants; but isn't that incredibly strong love and devotion part of what comes with being a good parent?? And if it really is in your child's best interest for you to stop always being there for them, so that they can fall on their own and be forced to decide that they finally do want to try to help themself, how do you get yourself to that point where the worry and concern and love for your child aren't the most-powerful thing that affects you??
Also, about Al-Anon, is that likely to be a good place to go to get some potentially-helpful insight and information? Basically, would those of you who have been through something like this recommend that I try to attend an Al-Anon meeting some time soon? Or is there some other group meeting-type place or counseling service that you would suggest I try to check out?
Again, I'm sorry for the long post. And I will probably edit this again later, after my headache goes away, or maybe later on today. But if anyone has read this post so far, I would really be grateful for any helpful advice, suggestions and/or information that I can get! And thanks in advance to anyone who tried to offer me some sort of help!
Last edited by BillyJackAz; 07-15-2016 at 02:01 AM..
Reason: To add some more details
This is an assumption on my part, but you are paying for her cell phone? Turn it off. She'll lose contact with the druggies who come pick her up. Passcode protect the other phones in use, so she can't use them either.
That's just an immediate step to take. It won't solve your problem, but that's bigger than any help C-D posters can help with.
I'm sure you love your daughter, but yes, you are enabling her self-distruction.
Definitely go to Al-Anon and also see if there are any support groups in your area for people with mentally ill family members.
Sounds like your daughter is self-medicating with the crystal meth and she's not likely to get any better without serious intervention.
I don't have any advice for you because I haven't dealt with this and don't know what I would do. Lots of people are going to tell you to let her hit rock bottom and you may end up doing that, but I doubt if I could. People may comment that you've been a bad parent and ruined her, but try not to listen. She is who she is and you didn't cause it. But, by the same token, you can't fix it. All you can do is live your life in the way that makes the most sense to you.
Also, about Al-Anon, is that likely to be a good place to go to get some potentially-helpful insight and information? Basically, would those of you who have been through something like this recommend that I try to attend an Al-Anon meeting some time soon? Or is there some other group meeting-type place or counseling service that you would suggest I try to check out?
You should find a local Al-Anon meeting and go there today.
And, yes, you are probably enabling her behavior in a variety of ways. You will learn all about that at the Al-Anon meetings.
She is full on an addict now, know that. Meth addiction does not take long to manifest. Its a very addictive drug. I had several friends become addicts of meth when I was a teenager and they all attested to it taking 1 or 2 uses to become addicted. Many of my old friends have become clean and gotten there lives together, as an aside.
I think you need to get a therapist right away. Make calls today. www.psychologytoday.com has a provider finder that is very helpful. Right now you need to focus on saving yourself and your remaining family unit.
People with bi-polar many times go to illegal drugs to manage their symptoms. Its a real problem. And it isn't a reflection on you, or even your daughter. Decisions were made in the haze of mental illness that has real consequences. But I urge you to shift your focus from your daughter to your own mental health and the health of your remaining family and seek immediate help managing your stress and figuring where to go from here.
Al-Anon might be a good fit for you. But understand that 12-step programs are not right for everyone. So if it isn't a good fit (I do urge you to try it), don't despair. There are other options (despite what 12-step programs say)
Al-Anon might be a good fit for you. But understand that 12-step programs are not right for everyone. So if it isn't a good fit (I do urge you to try it), don't despair. There are other options (despite what 12-step programs say)
Agreed. Therapy for the OP would also be a very good option. Both together would probably be better still.
am I really enabling my daughter to continue this type of risky/immoral/dangerous lifestyle by always being willing to go pick her up when she calls me after being gone for several days without contacting or communicating with anyone in our family?
YES.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is take away her phone, and drop her off at a homeless shelter, after telling her you cannot and will not support her drug habit.
When she learns she cannot rely on you for a ride, money, food, or a place to live, she will have to grow up fast.
This is an assumption on my part, but you are paying for her cell phone? Turn it off. She'll lose contact with the druggies who come pick her up. Passcode protect the other phones in use, so she can't use them either.
That's just an immediate step to take. It won't solve your problem, but that's bigger than any help C-D posters can help with.
I'm sure you love your daughter, but yes, you are enabling her self-distruction.
This
You're obviously not going to kick her out into the street but you can stop enabling her behavior.
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