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My 15-year old niece is staying with us for a month and a half. She lives far away so we dont normally get to see her and were very excited to have her. But after 4 weeks of her being here, things havent been that great and both my husband and I are somewhat looking forward to her leaving.
First of all, my mom (her grandma) paid for her trip ($1200 plane ticket) and gave her spending money. She spent all the money in the first 2 weeks on clothes for herself and her friends back home. Meanwhile, she has not wanted to go visit her grandma at all while here - we had to force her and she had attitude the entire time we were there (1 day!). My mom works very hard and makes little money so this was alot for her to spend on her granddaughter and she didnt seem appreciative at all.
At home, she just sits on her phone for hours. My husband got fed up with her not cleaning up after herself and made our 5 year old son ask her to clean up after herself (we didnt wnat to say it form us because we didnt wnat to make her feel uncomfortable). Since then she has been cleaning up a little more.
We took her sightseeing and to waterparks, etc but she doesnt seem appreciative of anythign even though it costs us alot of money to go on these trips the entire time shes here. All she wnats to do is to take her shopping and buy her things. We cant afford that and I am actually shocked that she is not embarrassed to ask for things out right like that. Shes treating us like we're santa claus and its christmas every day shes here..
She also expects my husband to drop her off and drive her around wherever and my husband is tired of it. Lastly, she is 15 and a pretty girl and certain things she does and she says to my husband and to our friends' husbands (when visiting them) have been a bit over the line in my opinion. One example is we are driving in the car and she says "my thighs are so smooth.. oh my god uncle feel my thighs they are so smooth like a baby's bottom .. this feels so good to touch". It seems innocent but at the same time my husband felt awkward and so did I. Or another time she says "I am so hot.. haha get it uncle I am so hot, i need someone to cool me down". At our friends, she got in a kiddie pool in her dress and sat down and got entirely wet top to bottom and then poceeded to wet my friend' husband's crotch.. She was very loud there and by the end of the night she was rolling around on their fornt lawn with her dress up and underwear showing. Again, I didnt wnat to say anythgin to her because I dont want to make her feel uncomfortable and dont know if shes aware that what shes doing is not appropriate but I was very embarrassed in front of my friends.
Also, she has been very rude and mean to my mom's husband (not her real granddad). I didnt know this but he confided in me.
I didnt say anythgin to my sister as we are not that close and I really just wnat my niece to have a good time here. But when my niece talked to my sister after she started crying saying she is lookign forward to going home, etc. I dont get it.
She still has 2 weeks at our place and I am thinking of maybe having a chat with her? Or maybe not? Just suffer through it and not cause issues between my sister and I.
You'd be crazy not to address the problem, otherwise this whole thing could turn into a nightmare. She needs to know that the whole sexual reference thing is off limits in your house and that her behavior is not appropriate.
I would also get your sister completely in the loop on all of this, otherwise your niece will just tell her side of the story and it will make her out to be the victim more than likely.
The mistake probably was that you guys didn't set the standards for her from the beginning when she arrived from everything to budgeting her money, behavior expectations, etc. I get it that you wanted it to be a fun vacation, but 6 weeks is a lifetime for having a guest, especially a 15 year old. I'm sure you'd do things differently if you had it to do over again, hindsight being 20/20 and all that.
She was involved in the decision to come and was looking forward to it all year. Grandma said she will pay for the trip if sh earns good grades (she didnt get the grades but grandma still funded the trip).
I try to just appease her because shes here for a short time and I want her to enjoy it.
She also expects my husband to drop her off and drive her around wherever and my husband is tired of it. Lastly, she is 15 and a pretty girl and certain things she does and she says to my husband and to our friends' husbands (when visiting them) have been a bit over the line in my opinion. One example is we are driving in the car and she says "my thighs are so smooth.. oh my god uncle feel my thighs they are so smooth like a baby's bottom .. this feels so good to touch". It seems innocent but at the same time my husband felt awkward and so did I. Or another time she says "I am so hot.. haha get it uncle I am so hot, i need someone to cool me down". At our friends, she got in a kiddie pool in her dress and sat down and got entirely wet top to bottom and then poceeded to wet my friend' husband's crotch.. She was very loud there and by the end of the night she was rolling around on their fornt lawn with her dress up and underwear showing. Again, I didnt wnat to say anythgin to her because I dont want to make her feel uncomfortable and dont know if shes aware that what shes doing is not appropriate but I was very embarrassed in front of my friends.
If you want to let some things slide in the interest of keeping the peace, I can understand it but IMO the above needs to be addressed. I would tell her (calmly, politely and without anger) that this behavior is NOT appropriate and will not be tolerated. To me, her remarks and behavior are more than "a little bit over the line." She sounds like she is looking for attention and testing boundaries. I'm pretty sure knows exactly what she's doing.
Do you think she might make something up about your husband? It might not be a bad idea to make sure the two of them aren't alone so she can't claim he behaved improperly. If she needs to be driven somewhere IMO you should do it or you should go with your husband.
6 weeks is a long time to visit - especially when visiting family she doesn't see that often. Even thought it sounds like you are making every effort to see that she enjoys herself, a shorter visit might have been better. Personally, if she wants to go home early, I would let her.
She was involved in the decision to come and was looking forward to it all year. Grandma said she will pay for the trip if sh earns good grades (she didnt get the grades but grandma still funded the trip).
I try to just appease her because shes here for a short time and I want her to enjoy it.
So much is wrong it's impossible to list all the issues.
Starting with your Mom funding this trip even though her grades were still not improved. That sits very low expectations and this child knows it.
Having your 5 year old talk to your 15 yr old niece about cleaning. Terrible parenting
Allowing to be sexually suggestive repeatedly to your husband and your friends. Pure crazy....Once and you should have sit her little butt down and made a believer out of her. I would never let her be around your husband alone, one false accusation from this out of control kid could destroy your family or your friends family.
Treating your Mom, her G Mother disrespectfully. Hell No
Taking her shopping, to theme parks. Never should have happened, especially after she was ungrateful the first time!
You need to tell your sister how badly this child behaves.
I would have sent her butt home the first week.Instead you've reinforced her terrible behavior by appeasing /catering to her.
What you accept you teach
You'd be crazy not to address the problem, otherwise this whole thing could turn into a nightmare. She needs to know that the whole sexual reference thing is off limits in your house and that her behavior is not appropriate.
I would also get your sister completely in the loop on all of this, otherwise your niece will just tell her side of the story and it will make her out to be the victim more than likely.
The mistake probably was that you guys didn't set the standards for her from the beginning when she arrived from everything to budgeting her money, behavior expectations, etc. I get it that you wanted it to be a fun vacation, but 6 weeks is a lifetime for having a guest, especially a 15 year old. I'm sure you'd do things differently if you had it to do over again, hindsight being 20/20 and all that.
Yes, I agree that we should have had some ground rules or at least addressed things when we first noticed it. This was my first time hosting any child/teen and I didn't know what to do - I foolishly thought it would all be just fun and a good time. I am very afraid of hurting her feelings and also talking badly about me to my sister. My sister has hosted us and was very hospitable.. granted only for a week and we paid for everything.
So much is wrong it's impossible to list all the issues.
Starting with your Mom funding this trip even though her grades were still not improved. That sits very low expectations and this child knows it.
Having your 5 year old talk to your 15 yr old niece about cleaning. Terrible parenting
Allowing to be sexually suggestive repeatedly to your husband and your friends. Pure crazy....Once and you should have sit her little butt down and made a believer out of her. I would never let her be around your husband alone, one false accusation from this out of control kid could destroy your family or your friends family.
Treating your Mom, her G Mother disrespectfully. Hell No
Taking her shopping, to theme parks. Never should have happened, especially after she was ungrateful the first time!
You need to tell your sister how badly this child behaves.
I would have sent her butt home the first week.Instead you've reinforced her terrible behavior by appeasing /catering to her.
What you accept you teach
I wasn't sure if she was aware she is making sexual references around my husband, our friends. And I felt if I address it I will come out to be some crazy, jealous person. The thought of her making up some story about my husband has never even occurred to me but I suppose anything's possible. Luckily, they aren't alone together - someone from the family, if only just my 5 year old is always around.
After reading the advice on this forum, I think I will need to talk to my sister and be honest with her that her behavior has not been good. My sister actually asked the first week she was here "how is she behaving? tell me the truth because i know her" and i just said "shes great, we're happy to have her and everythings fine" because i didnt want her to worry and i didnt want my niece to hate me. I do feel a bit uncomfortable tattle telling on her so to speak and Im not sure if my sister will be upset with me over it.
Giving the benefit of doubt (4.5 could also be referred to as 5 and husband and wife could be using the same account).
If this girl is really acting out this way, she has some serious problems at home.
The OP ( and probably her sister and the rest of the family) has no idea about setting boundaries, which means her 4.5 or 5 year old son is going to be a spoiled hellion himself.
Well, first off she's a teenager so yeah she's going to be on her phone all the time. What else is there for her to do? And having her visit for a month and a half was way too long. It doesn't sound like there was much of a plan of things to do with her while she was visiting. Not sure what you want her to do. She can't go anywhere because she can't drive and doesn't have money. 6 weeks is an eternity to a teen! And to be stuck around grownups and a 5 year old that you don't know has got to suck for her. Doesn't sound like a party for you either.
Were ground rules set before the trip was planned? Any set once she arrived? Any set along the way? Sounds like you're giving her free reign. And why wouldn't you say something to your sister about her behavior? These sexual comments certainly need addressing!
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