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Oh for god sake. So the OP, who was neglected in her marriage and incredibly unhappy, fell into an affair (with a man she later married), and some of you want to get on your moral high horse about how she "cheated." Total B.S. If only life were that simple, that black-and-white. And only in the U.S. would people feel the need to pass judgment on someone else because they had sex outside of a dead marriage (the horror!). In Europe, such a judgment would be seen as immature, and even bizarre--because it is. Not to mention people in glass houses. . . .
what did you cheat on??? the marriage was over years ago!!
you took care of this person for 16 yrs??? that is a saint,,,, that wasn't in the vows (yeah I know for better or worse) however,,if a man stops being a husband,,,then he breaks the marriage
and that can be done many ways,,,from earning, to respecting, to helping, to comforting, to thankfulness
you worked two jobs,,,to hold the family together??? while sacrificing any life you had??? you worked two jobs....for a husband,,,that wasn't working or contributing,,,,and you alone provided for your daughters...
then ....when it was your turn,,,to have a little comfort and closeness for yourself.......you are being called a cheater????
I'm sorry your marriage was over years ago,,,you turned into a caretaker for an adult man...
again,,,what did you cheat on????????
if I am your husband...I thank the stars every night that you are taking care of me and our daughters and try to help and care for you any chance I get
now your daughters have turned on you???
if it were me...... I would have a straight talk with each daughter separately,,,be strong be assertive..
"i gave my life for that man, who gave very little in return" for 16 long and lonely yrs I compromised and sacrificed my life for him and you two girls...
I took a little time to myself,,,and now I'm being attacked,,, by the same people I cared for and supported???
Great points.
Not one of the people who criticized the wife for cheating said anything about the husband who sat on his ass watching TV & being abusive to her for 16 years while she held down two jobs to support the entire family (remember that the doctors said that he was capable of working).
So, I guess that all those posters think that what he did was perfectly fine.
I need advise. 3 years ago i had an affair. I was married to my ex for 25 years and took care of him after a stroke for 16 years and raised 3 little girls. He became close to his girls as he was home all the time and I had 2 jobs out of the house and did would I could to raise money at home to pay the bills.
My ex's doctors all said he could work again but couldn't do what he used too which was an electrician because he only had the use of one hand. Anyway he was 40 and I was 36 when this happened. He refused to learn a new occupation and for 16 years I basically did everything while he spent a lot of time sitting on the sofa, reading, watching tv, etc. He honestly never helped me with anything. After the girls all moved out and had lives for themselves I started becoming very lonely as my girls were all gone now. I was 52 when I started an affair. I felt so needed and loved, something I had been missing for 17 years. My husband became very verbally abusive for many years because he just couldn't do what he wanted to do and kept blaming, blaming, blaming everyone for being unable to do what he wanted to do. One of my daughters found out i was having an affair and told their father. He filed for a divorce. It was a horrible, nasty long drawn divorce. I got the house as I got first nabs on it. He had not worked for 18 years and refused to do so. Anyway my one daughter now hates me. Said I took the one thing away from her father that meant anything to him. I thought things were starting to work out between us because she had a child and I would watch him all the time for her. Until her father NOW just bought a house and she is moving in with him. When this happened she let me have it. Called me every name you could think of. Said she didn't need me anymore and I was never going to see my grandson again. This really just came out of left field. I'm heart broken. I did end up married the man I had the affair with and am happier than I have been in 20 years. I think my daughter will have this bitterness and anger towards me the rest of her life. I am now 55 and my daughter is 26. She has mad terrible choices in men in her life and is very very unhappy. She blames me for her bad choices in men even though her bad choices were happening well before this whole situation. FYI my other two daughters are doing great. We have a relationship, they have put it in the past and moving one. My 30 year old is a professor at a university and my 23 year old has been married to a police officer for 5 years and she is going to Veterinarian school. I don't know what I can possibly do to ever change my daughters mind that I have ruined every aspect of her life because of my affair. I was so unhappy for so many years and wasn't planning on getting a divorce. I was planning on taking care of my ex the rest of my life even during the affair. I just wanted to feel loved, worth, attractive, and I was finally getting that after so many years. I was also seeing a psychologist during this time of the affair. Help me. I hate that my daughter has so much bitterness, hostility towards me. She was always her fathers favorite and now she is in the position I was in 20 years ago. going to live with her father, take care of him and her 2 year old son who has autism. Thank you for any advise.
Actually, the best thing that could happen is that your angry daughter can now live with your ex, and in short time will see what you had to deal with.
Tell her you love her, and hope that she will change her mind about your being able to see your grandson.
I feel life will happen, and she will come around. Keep the door open. Glad that you are happy.
Cheating is cheating, there's no gray area on that subject. The right thing for the OP to do would have been to file for divorce first, then start seeing someone else.
I do not however believe that the daughter has anything to be upset about. Children were grown and out of the house when the affair began so it's not as if a happy family had been ruined and the daughter should be emotionally mature enough to deal with the situation.
"Anyway my one daughter now hates me. Said I took the one thing away from her father that meant anything to him." The house.
It wasn't the affair. It wasn't the divorce. It was the house that her father had built. And you are now living in that home, where your children were raised, with your former paramour.
Give her 5 or 10 years. She may come around. Or not.
Truth, own it. If you would have just divorced him with out cheating your daughter would likely still be talking to you. Staying with the man you cheated on your ex with just made it that much worse. The resentment your daughter has probably won't fade for a very long time. There is no excuse to cheat simple as that.
There is less excuse to treat your mother the way this daughter is treating her mother. When someone in the family makes a mistake, you FORGIVE THEM. You move on. This woman has been punished enough.
It's not harsh. It's reality and she needs to take responsibility for what she chose to do.
SHE DID TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Her daughter is an adult woman who needs to have a little forgiveness. Is that how we treat our mothers? They make a mistake, even a big one, and we cut their grandchildren out of their life and act like we hate them? That's absurd.
I'm confounded by the harsh people who see this as a black and white situation. Seems to me they lack compassion and understanding for this woman.
Yes having an affair is not right but her kids were grown and gone and she finally saw a way to have some happiness after an empty marriage for 16 years. I think she deserves a medal for lasting as long as she did and this immature daughter will one day understand where her mother was coming from.
When her father no longer is useful to her she will be up the creek without anybody to blame for her own mistakes.
I know OP still loves her daughter and always will but she must not let this estrangement take away from her current and well deserved happiness.
it is very new and the wound is still very raw. Give yourself some time to understand this daughter is only interested in herself. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. In fact I admire you for having the balls to reach for some happiness in life after so many years of servitude.
The only advice I have for you is to not let all these haters make you feel worse about your self. You cheated, which was wrong, but it doesn't sound like you had much marriage left. Sometimes, people want to end a marriage and they aren't strong enough because of years of feeling inadequate, so cheating is a way to build the strength to end the marriage. I think this is what happened to you. You've paid more than enough for your transgression.
Have you tried writing your daughter a letter? It might help her understand where you are coming from? Could you get her to go to therapy with you? Almost like couples therapy?
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