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Sometimes my husband was able to help out more than others. That's the way life goes. I'd never insult him by saying he wasn't hands on and not there with me during those times when he was working his ass off, not seeing his family for three weeks straight, holed up in a tractor trailer somewhere so we had money to pay our bills and eat.
Nor would he ever think or say such a thing about me when I was working a weird 2nd/3rd shift combination and going to school full time meaning he was about 98% responsible for EVERYTHING in our house. And I do mean everything.
Equity in marriage isn't about keeping tally marks of who changed the last diaper or made the last meal. Its about making sure each person has the tools he or she needs to do the best job they can in order to support the family in their chosen role.
OP has a job, a two hour commute each way. OP's wife has a husband who is willing to work long hours to support her and their child. If that means Sunday - Thursday she gets up with the baby, then that is her role. Just like its his role to go to work, earn money, etc.
Each contributes in their own, but highly significant, way.
Pick apart my post and take affrontary as much as you want, it's fine by me. You and your family did what worked for y'all, we did what worked for us. It's not like we're changing each other's opinions here and I'm sure we've earned our respective parenting gold stars along the way.
I don't believe in "roles" and neither does my husband. Roles cross in our family and as long as the job gets done that's all that matters. My well being, whether I was working or not, was taken into consideration. Obviously, everything worked out. My point was couples find a way that works for both parties. Funny enough, you state that equity in a marriage "...making sure each person has the tools he or she needs to do the best job they can in order to support the family..."
Well that includes sufficient sleep for both parties including the stay at home one. It can, and has been done by lots of people, we're not special. Fwiw the longest I've stayed home was twelve weeks, and after that I too was a wage earner with a long commute. So I guess the roles were evened out weren't they.
Pick apart my post and take affrontary as much as you want, it's fine by me. You and your family did what worked for y'all, we did what worked for us. It's not like we're changing each other's opinions here and I'm sure we've earned our respective parenting gold stars along the way.
I don't believe in "roles" and neither does my husband. Roles cross in our family and as long as the job gets done that's all that matters. My well being, whether I was working or not, was taken into consideration. Obviously, everything worked out. My point was couples find a way that works for both parties. Funny enough, you state that equity in a marriage "...making sure each person has the tools he or she needs to do the best job they can in order to support the family..."
Well that includes sufficient sleep for both parties including the stay at home one. It can, and has been done by lots of people, we're not special. Fwiw the longest I've stayed home was twelve weeks, and after that I too was a wage earner with a long commute. So I guess the roles were evened out weren't they.
Sometimes my husband was able to help out more than others. That's the way life goes. I'd never insult him by saying he wasn't hands on and not there with me during those times when he was working his ass off, not seeing his family for three weeks straight, holed up in a tractor trailer somewhere so we had money to pay our bills and eat.
Nor would he ever think or say such a thing about me when I was working a weird 2nd/3rd shift combination and going to school full time meaning he was about 98% responsible for EVERYTHING in our house. And I do mean everything.
Equity in marriage isn't about keeping tally marks of who changed the last diaper or made the last meal. Its about making sure each person has the tools he or she needs to do the best job they can in order to support the family in their chosen role.
OP has a job, a two hour commute each way. OP's wife has a husband who is willing to work long hours to support her and their child. If that means Sunday - Thursday she gets up with the baby, then that is her role. Just like its his role to go to work, earn money, etc.
Each contributes in their own, but highly significant, way.
Actually it is not your business to decide for the OP and his wife what their roles are.
You were unusual. Not all babies are the same. There has been no mention by the OP that his son is a "baby from hell" (a horrible label, by the way).
I napped just fine when my baby did. I had friends who swore they couldn't, but as we talked about it, it often came out that they wanted to be visiting friends or shopping during the day and they were out running around and the baby napped in the stroller. The newborn phase doesn't last forever, so I made settling my baby into a schedule the priority for a few months. Anyone wanted me to do something that would have thrown my baby off our schedule and made us all miserable, it was a nope.
So while it wasn't something that worked for your mom with you, doesn't mean it's impossible.
Typical CD response. I can't count the number of times I've posted something only to hear some version of "your experience was unusual". So you were the perfect parent who lived life like the parenting books say to. Good for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
I never napped when my babies did. I still say Sunday through Thursday OP's wife does all night feedings. He can help out in other ways during the week and give her a break on the weekends.
I think that's rigid. You need a little more flexibility than that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist
We had a colicky firstborn. I was breastfeeding, and then we added pumped milk. Husband was working and I was on maternity. Husband is an early to bed, early to rise type, and I'm a stay up late, sleep later type. So when we were going through this very challenging time of first two to three months, husband went to sleep at 7 or 8 PM. I stayed up with fussy baby, walking, even outdoors a lot, until baby finally quit crying, anytime between 1-3 AM. Baby and I both slept, and when husband woke up at 5 AM, he would feed, change, and put baby back down before he left for work. I'd sleep until kid next woke at about 7-8 AM.
Don't worry about the routine of who feeds baby. Put parents' sleep foremost, and work around that.
Exactly!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ccc123
The point is that Mom shouldn't expect Dad to work 40 hours, 20 hours commute, do all the household chores and do all the night feedings. That's not sharing the responsibility that's dad pulling more then his fair share. Should he help her yes, should he be expected to do it all no. Sorry part of being a SAHM is household chores. If she is home all day why on earth would she not be able to do a load of laundry and cook a simple meal, unless her health doesn't allow it. I would never have asked my husband to do laundry, cook and clean after being gone for 14 hours a day. Why should they both be sleep deprived if mom is going to wake up and pump, why can't she wake up and feed the baby instead. Let Dad take over on Friday and Saturday nights and mom sleep through. More to this story then just night feedings.
It might just be that this is the time when DH has to do more. Six months, a year, 10 years from now, who knows? I don't believe in keeping a ledger of who put in what hours. In most marriages, it all evens out over time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kluch
Wow, I'm amazed at the number of pages this thread has garnished already. We're gearing up to have our second son this august. My wife and I alternated in the evenings for our first son. We never had a schedule (though we had friends that were much more type A about how they did night feedings) and just kind of played it by ear. All this said, we decided to bottle feed our son and it was very helpful for us. Not going to persuade you either way but I'll say it was much easier on my wife when we went to bottle feeding from breast feeding and it worked out better for us in the long run. Generally speaking if my wife got up first to feed him, I would get up second and so on and so forth. But it sounds like with your schedule it might be more feasible for you to have your wife do more of the feedings during the week and you do more of them on the weekend. Just my .02
Pick apart my post and take affrontary as much as you want, it's fine by me. You and your family did what worked for y'all, we did what worked for us. It's not like we're changing each other's opinions here and I'm sure we've earned our respective parenting gold stars along the way.
I don't believe in "roles" and neither does my husband. Roles cross in our family and as long as the job gets done that's all that matters. My well being, whether I was working or not, was taken into consideration. Obviously, everything worked out. My point was couples find a way that works for both parties. Funny enough, you state that equity in a marriage "...making sure each person has the tools he or she needs to do the best job they can in order to support the family..."
Well that includes sufficient sleep for both parties including the stay at home one. It can, and has been done by lots of people, we're not special. Fwiw the longest I've stayed home was twelve weeks, and after that I too was a wage earner with a long commute. So I guess the roles were evened out weren't they.
Even this link acknowledges the known risks, and talks about being ready to accept responsibility if the baby dies. I'm still going with the AAP.
You stated that co-sleeping is dangerous. I responded that it is not dangerous for most and assuming that basic safety precautions are understood and followed by the parents. You asked: "What kind of basic safety precautions do you follow while you're asleep? " I responded with a link that talks about safe co-sleeping.
The link says this about "accepting responsibility if a baby dies while co-sleeping":
Quote:
Finally, it may be important to consider or reflect on whether you would think that you suffocated your baby if, under the most unlikely scenario, your baby died from SIDS while in your bed. Just as babies can die from SIDS in a risk-free solitary sleep environment, it remains possible for a baby to die in a risk-free cosleeping/bedsharing environment. Just make sure, as much as this is possible, that you would not assume that if the baby died, that either you or your spouse would think that bed-sharing contributed to the death, or that one of your really suffocated (by accident) the infant. While this is an unpleasant and uncomfortable topic, it is one that is worth thinking about before you make the choice to cosleep/bedshare with your infant.
Babies can die from SIDS both in cribs and while bed sharing even with the utmost precautions in place. I don't think this quote is saying what you are implying it does.
Co-sleeping can indeed be dangerous if people are not educated don't take seriously the recommendations for safe bed-sharing. For instance, it's dangerous to co-sleep on a sofa. It's dangerous to co-sleep when under the influence of drugs or alcohol. There is a lot more in the link I shared so I'll stop there.
Crib sleeping can also be dangerous when basic precautions are not taken.
And finally, I'm not trying to convince you or anyone else to co-sleep, just pointing out that when precautions are in place it can be done safely. Do what works for you.
I think your posts have been pretty rude. Condescending, even. I guess if you want to be a martyr that's up to you. My husband and I had and have a more even split.
Yeah. The bolded isn't rude or condescending at all.
Actually it is not your business to decide for the OP and his wife what their roles are.
Since the OP asked advice, I gave my opinion from my experiences and perspective. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean I did anything different than anyone else who posted here.
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