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Sounds like you're a clock watcher who likes to punch out promptly at 5.
In the midwest, many husbands are tasked with lawn duty and snow removal in addition to their paying jobs, so it just kind of makes sense that during the week the lions share of the household duties are done by their wives IF they're stay at home mom's.
In cases where both work outside the home, duties are split.
Perhaps it's a new generation. A neighbor is retired and was looking for part time work and found a job listing that she shared with me, which read (and I'm paraphrasing):
Nanny wanted for two children. Can live here or away but MUST be here in time to feed and clothe them and take them to school. House cleaning and cooking during the day. After picking them up from school you'll be responsible for taking them to their activities. Back home to cook dinner and clean up. Must work some evenings and two full weekends a month.
We're looking for someone who can do the job quietly and without intrusion because there will be people coming in and out, and you'll also be working around other help and a stay-at-home mom.
Yes, I read Ops posts. He seems to have an office job that requires a 2 hr. commute that is mostly on trains and subways. You are arguing against something that I didn't state. I originally asked you what you thought should be his household chores. My point is by default, sahms are already doing daily chores related to child rearing while they are watching the kids. So it's not like the sahm or op's wife isn't doing any chores. Op is not doing all the cooking. He is at most cooking one meal per day out of 3meals. So he can't be doing all the cooking. You keep saying he is doing all the chores which is impossible because you keep only stating 2 that he does - cooking dinner and laundry.
Btw, I do the laundry and the entire family folds. But not because I am a sahm but because I am more particular about fabric care. The majority of chores your husband does are not daily or even weekly chores. The fact is, for some reason, people seems to think sahm should shoulder a bigger percentage of chores that are not child related just because they work at home.
Finally, I never stated I was overwhelmed. And yes, I did run on a schedule which actually means staying home was mostly required because of naps and eating healthy meals. Did we go to play dates 2 times a week? Yes, but so what? How does that relate to having to do more non child related chores? I'm not angry. I just can't understand why women feel the need to shoulder the majority of household chores beyond childrearing. The amount of hours a lot of men spend doing manly chores are minimal compared to daily or weekly chores women shoulder if done right.
I will attempt to respond in the order the questions/statements were made.
1) A 2 hour commute is exhausting regardless of the mode of transportation.
2) Yes I do think the SAHP should do the majority of the household chores, once you get on a schedule and get organized it's really not that hard to take care of the kids, clean, cook and do laundry. It's not like most people don't have all the modern conveniences to work with. Some days are more productive then others but if you keep it up you can skip a chore once in a while and it's fine.
3) Yes the SAHP is doing the chores during the day that go along with raising children. That's their job as a SAHP.
4) The OP has stated that he does all the cooking, they only have a newborn so mom isn't cooking lunch for anybody but herself.
5) My husband had hours of outside work per week. He had chores that must be done everyday and then some that were weekly. He left the house at 6am, got home at 6pm. Worked outside for approximately an hour each night. Then he put in time on the weekends doing outside chores. He also coached little league and was the pack leader for cub scouts.
6) Yes I will say again I think the SAHP should do the majority of household chores. The parent is there everyday, no reason they can't do them the majority of the time.
7) I actually meant that I think the OP's wife is overwhelmed but most of us are
at the beginning and it sounds like she has some significant health problems. How she plans on chasing around a toddler is a mystery.
8) I took my kids to the park, story time at the library etc. Had some some other SAHM over for lunch occasionally, went out for ladies nights, did book club etc. I was not a shut in. I refused to be.
9) I felt like it was my responsibility to do the household chores because my husband was already putting in a 13 hour work day. I was home all day and had time and once again that's part of working inside the home.
10) Maybe if you have no animals, a small yard and live in suburbia the "manly" chores are minimal but not here in the rural midwest. Our driveway alone takes probably 45 minutes to plow and sometimes he has to plow it twice a day. The yard takes a couple hours to mow. We have acreage and it's a job in its self keeping it up. Not to mention the feeding and tending of the animals.
When I went back to work full time, he helped more with household chores.
I just can't understand why women feel the need to shoulder the majority of household chores beyond childrearing. The amount of hours a lot of men spend doing manly chores are minimal compared to daily or weekly chores women shoulder if done right.
You sound quite put upon. Perhaps you should switch roles and go out as the breadwinner, then come home and be responsible for everything going on in the house because your husband, who stayed home all day with the kids and had to cook two meals and clean up after them, can clock out.
I'm confused while you do any of the nighttime feedings OP. Once you get back to work you need to let your wife take care of these feedings so you can get some quality sleep since you are going back to work plus have a long commute. Since she is a SAHM, she can nap or at least rest when the baby rests, which you can't do when you go back to work.
Is she disagreeing with this which is why you are posting on here?
You sound quite put upon. Perhaps you should switch roles and go out as the breadwinner, then come home and be responsible for everything going on in the house because your husband, who stayed home all day with the kids and had to cook two meals and clean up after them, can clock out.
Ha. I wish. Unfortunately, my working salary would be 1/4 of his.
My point isn't that sahm should not do any chores. My point has always been families should do what is best for them based on strengths and weakness not some predetermined "should be" roles. That is all.
Btw, in my family I do everything w/r to chores except for cooking dinner. My husband loves to cook and finds it relaxing. This is our arrangement because we agreed it would be best for our family. So, when he is at home, he can just be dad and spend time with kids.
MPowering1, why are you assuming that there aren't some families switching roles already? I was the sole income earner when our first child was 5-20 months and again when our second child was 2.5-3.5. Most of the time I made dinner and did the chores when I got home. Sometimes they were already done and sometimes we did them together, but mostly it was me, especially in the earlier days. We both felt that I had the better end of the deal, by far.
It was a demanding senior professional job (and I nursed till 10 mths), but I still had the ability to be on my own and to control my day in a way that my husband did not. I didn't begrudge him "clocking out" at all, and vice versa when he went back to work and I stayed home, because we both knew the exhaustion that can come from the relentless demands of small childhood.
The OP has willingly stepped up to support his wife, first during her pregnancy and now with a newborn, well done. He's not complaining about doing the chores, it's other posters that seems to think that's "wrong". I'm sure they'll work out an arrangement for that 1 am feed, and with a bit of luck it'll get phased out soon enough anyway and they can all get better sleep.
MPowering1, why are you assuming that there aren't some families switching roles already? I was the sole income earner when our first child was 5-20 months and again when our second child was 2.5-3.5. Most of the time I made dinner and did the chores when I got home. Sometimes they were already done and sometimes we did them together, but mostly it was me, especially in the earlier days. We both felt that I had the better end of the deal, by far.
It was a demanding senior professional job (and I nursed till 10 mths), but I still had the ability to be on my own and to control my day in a way that my husband did not. I didn't begrudge him "clocking out" at all, and vice versa when he went back to work and I stayed home, because we both knew the exhaustion that can come from the relentless demands of small childhood.
The OP has willingly stepped up to support his wife, first during her pregnancy and now with a newborn, well done. He's not complaining about doing the chores, it's other posters that seems to think that's "wrong". I'm sure they'll work out an arrangement for that 1 am feed, and with a bit of luck it'll get phased out soon enough anyway and they can all get better sleep.
You misunderstood my post. Men and women have switched roles for decades. I don't believe I've stated otherwise.
But there's a reason the OP has come here seeking advice. He's used language indicating his wife is pushing him to do something he's unsure he wants to do because sleep is important.
He's asked for opinions and we've all weighed in. What's the issue - I must be missing something.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riaelise
As far as chores are concerned, during that three month survival mode, they got done when they got done. We didn't sweat the small stuff.
Yep. Don't sweat the small stuff. My first wouldn't sleep, still doesn't at the age of 29, and I would rock him in the wee hours while I watched Gone With The Wind on VHS in its entirety. Many nights.
Those are fond memories now. They grow up in the blink of an eye. As a SAHM, those moments in the dark, in the rocking chair, with my baby in my arms are precious. Yes, you miss out on sleep. In my preschool playgroup, the moms sat around one morning and tried to 1/2 a recipe and we couldn't do the math, because that goes right out the window when you're sleep deprived. What's half of 3/4 cup? ?? We laughed so hard, babies suck IQ points out of your nipples. Exhaustion.
If you don't find joy in it, you're sunk. If you don't find joy cuddling your baby, being needed by your helpless baby, joy in the privilege of having a healthy baby to care for, you're missing out on the treasure.
And to the poster who asked where is it written that the mom has to do the babycare round the clock while dad works 9-5, here's where:
"Men work from sun to sun, but women's work is never done". ;D Just a little levity here. SAHM is a round the clock job. Being the SAHM Mom/wife is a never ending task - and that's why kids are so bonded to their moms.
So my sister made this framed poem for me, that hung in my babies' nurseries:
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow,
for babies grow up, we're learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
Enjoy this time with your baby. You blink your eyes, and you're packing them off to college.
And here's the God's honest truth. Taking care of a newborn is the easiest thing you'll ever do as a parent. Easy peasy. The older they get (until they're 21) the harder they are. Little babies, little problems. Big kids, big problems. When your child is 17 you'll wonder what in the world made you think taking care of a newborn was hard. ;D
And here's the God's honest truth. Taking care of a newborn is the easiest thing you'll ever do as a parent. Easy peasy. The older they get (until they're 21) the harder they are. Little babies, little problems. Big kids, big problems. When your child is 17 you'll wonder what in the world made you think taking care of a newborn was hard. ;D
I'm not saying this isn't true (my oldest is 17...). But I will never know why people think saying this to parents of a newborn is helpful in any way. Parenting a newborn is HARD. If I had really believed, at that time, that it would just get harder and harder and harder, I would have jumped off a bridge. Let parents enjoy their innocence a little longer, let them have hope that things will get easier.
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