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He still lives with me and overall is a good kid but I am paranoid to leave for a weekend. I have such anxiety about being some distance away and something happening to him or him deciding to take advantage of an empty house. I know I am trying to maintain control of a situation that really isn't controllable, with the exception of my presence preventing a gathering at my house. Somehow I just feel better and less anxious at home but what I REALLY want is to be able to do things I want to do. MY bf lives an hour away and my time spent there has been less because of this anxiety. I have a opportunity to go to the ocean for this weekend and maybe through the 4th and the FIRST thing I think about is anxiety leaving him, NOT how fun it would be.
I think I am like this for a variety of reasons. First is that he's never been great at keeping me updated on his whereabouts, especially now. Not that I am expecting to know his every move, but when it's 11pm and I haven't heard from him, a quick text would be nice. It takes 3 seconds. Additionally, I work around law enforcement and hear about the cases... coroner cases, accidents, etc and these things just stick with me. Also, I am a worrier.. it's just how I'm built. I ruminate about all the awful things that "could" happen. I know this isn't helpful but it's very hard to stop. I am seeing a therapist about it but it's still early on. One thing my therapist DID point out is that my anxiety is not my son's fault nor is it his responsibility to ease my anxiety. I get that. I feel trapped and I want to trust that he can live his life without mom always around and I want to be able to get on with my life as well. Him turning 18 isn't just a big deal for him but for me also.
Did you guys deal with this at all? Any words of advice? Alternative perspectives maybe?
hmm... It is hard to understand, honestly. My 12yo took a 24-hour train ride. The train company offers chaperoning for kids travelling alone up to 11 years old, only. After that, only if you request it. My friend's son, starting from the age of 15, regularly flies, alone, to see his father, from Australia to Finland, with stopover in Dubai. You have to let him go at some point. Therapy, and a lot of it.
hmm... It is hard to understand, honestly. My 12yo took a 24-hour train ride. The train company offers chaperoning for kids travelling alone up to 11 years old, only. After that, only if you request it. My friend's son, starting from the age of 15, regularly flies, alone, to see his father, from Australia to Finland, with stopover in Dubai. You have to let him go at some point. Therapy, and a lot of it.
Yah, I know. I hate it, I really do. Working on it. I think this would diminish once he moves out honestly. He won't be right underfoot all the time for me to see his comings & goings. Yes I'd still worry of course but I do think it will be muted compared to this.
At 18 he should be just about ready to moveout. Even if he can't due to financial considerations he should be ready to do so.
That means helping clean the house, laundry, making meals, doing groceries, having a job etc. All stuff that should be years in the making.
If he isn't doing that then that is on the parent to get them prepped for real life. If you do everything for them they won't learn. You aren't helping them.
If you are unsure about leaving him alone due to party problems or what not, then put up a few hidden cameras in the living area of the home and keep an eye on them while you're away. Rule being, no one allowed at the house if you aren't there.
Sounds like you're having issues with cutting the umbilical.
I had a harder time with the youngest. That's the baby! What I did was just let them go, it's all you can do. Then stay in touch but don't hover. Let them live their life and hope that they stay in yours. And if he finds a special someone support that decision from the start. Don't let doubts come in because how you treat him/her will determine whether your son stays in touch. Any girlfriend can be a potential wife. Keep that in mind.
Offer encouragement and open help when you can but let him make his own decisions. If he fails he learns, just like we all do. Then clean out his room and store his stuff and if he moves back or not, at least you won't have his old room as a shrine to the good old days.
And in passing - We let our oldest fly out and visit an online acquaintance. He was 19 and then he made the decision to go to college where she was. He never returned home since that decision. They married and have a family.
Boys especially feel that need to leave the nest, be their own person, and make it. I'm sure he will because it sounds like he's a wonderful son.
At 18 he should be just about ready to moveout. Even if he can't due to financial considerations he should be ready to do so.
That means helping clean the house, laundry, making meals, doing groceries, having a job etc. All stuff that should be years in the making.
If he isn't doing that then that is on the parent to get them prepped for real life. If you do everything for them they won't learn. You aren't helping them.
If you are unsure about leaving him alone due to party problems or what not, then put up a few hidden cameras in the living area of the home and keep an eye on them while you're away. Rule being, no one allowed at the house if you aren't there.
Sounds like you're having issues with cutting the umbilical.
Yah I do I guess but I'm not sure why because I actually really want to get on with my life and start thinking about me now. 18 years prioritizing my son and now I really should be able to focus on my life, my interests, traveling, WHATEVER I want... just this worry. I hate it.
I have tried to prep him for adulthood. I haven't been perfect certainly but I have tried to instill values and responsibly in him. He has a job - he started there just after his 16th birthday and is still there. I am very proud of him for that. He doesn't make a ton of course but he knows how to save money and has done a decent job of this. He doesn't grocery shop per-say but can cook a little here and there and is fully capable of feeding himself. He does his own laundry of course, cleans up his messes (mostly) and helps around the house with some prodding. He is a bit lazy about it TBH but chores are something he is plenty familiar with as he has been doing them since he was very young.
I have a camera at the house in the living room.. have had for years. He knows about it. I can check when I want to so that's not an issue. I think I worry more about him being out on the town. Making stupid decisions. Not being able to get a hold of him, say, if he didn't come home, for example. Whether I am here or away doesn't necessarily change what he will be doing --- he could be running around with his friends whether I am sitting on my couch watching TV OR gone for the weekend. Logically I know this, there just seems to be comfort in being home. It stems around him. If he were gone himself I would punch outta here and go without a second thought. I don't quite know why I am like this but I really don't wanna be.
I had a harder time with the youngest. That's the baby! What I did was just let them go, it's all you can do. Then stay in touch but don't hover. Let them live their life and hope that they stay in yours. And if he finds a special someone support that decision from the start. Don't let doubts come in because how you treat him/her will determine whether your son stays in touch. Any girlfriend can be a potential wife. Keep that in mind.
Offer encouragement and open help when you can but let him make his own decisions. If he fails he learns, just like we all do. Then clean out his room and store his stuff and if he moves back or not, at least you won't have his old room as a shrine to the good old days.
And in passing - We let our oldest fly out and visit an online acquaintance. He was 19 and then he made the decision to go to college where she was. He never returned home since that decision. They married and have a family.
Boys especially feel that need to leave the nest, be their own person, and make it. I'm sure he will because it sounds like he's a wonderful son.
Thank you for this. He is a good kid, this is true. He does like to smoke pot with his friends and I always hope and prey (and preach to him sometimes) that he does not drive under the influence. And I worry of course. I know that being home vs. being gone doesn't change the way he handles himself though so I really wish I could just wait the ruminating and kinda hovering behind the scenes as if I can control anything. Maybe that's what some of this is... difficulty in letting go of control.
Yes, friends and girlfriends are their lives at this age. He does presently have a gf but with the few he has dated I am always very welcoming. To him his gf is "the one" when he is with her.. until they fall apart, but the feelings they have for a SO are very intense and real so I understand to take this seriously. Again I just want to keep communication open with him so I try very hard not to close off any doors.
He's 18. Did he graduate from HS yet? Is he going to college? Has he given you reason to think he would be irresponsible? You do realize since he is 18 if he messes up big time that is on him.
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