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Sounds like a cross between my sister and me. I just wanted to party. My sister rolled her eyes and declared she hated everyone and everyone hated her from 17 til 20. She got over it. I went to community College because some friends were and I had no plans. After being at Cc all day and seeing other students more serious about it found new friends and got more serious. I had to pay for books and gas and junk car parent helped with only tuition. Think terrible twos on hormones.
Where does she get $ from?
Just saw the boyfriend, make sure she has birth control. Just bring her to Doctor for check up.
i've considered going out to Phoenix with her during a break, trying to meet up with her mom, see if that patches anything up
How do you think it could help? Has the mother been the regular presence in her life? How often are they in contact? Does the daughter resent that the mother preferred to "unload" her?
right now she has zero relationship with her mom, everything shut down after the divorce, I think opening that back up again could help, give her someone to talk to and yes, I do think there is resentment.
right now she has zero relationship with her mom, everything shut down after the divorce, I think opening that back up again could help, give her someone to talk to and yes, I do think there is resentment.
This will be a meeting of two strangers. With layers of years of resentment... If both want re re-acquaint themselves, this still would take a long time of discovery and adjustment. For some, it takes months and years. Plus, there are other people around the mother (her new family, perhaps), which may or may not be helpful. I think you are just hoping for a quick "dump" of your daughter's problems on someone else's shoulders, while holding your fingers crossed that that someone would fix your daughter for you. The daughter must be feeling being dumped her whole life.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I would ask her what her goals are, where she sees herself in 6 months, a year, 2 years. Ask if the things she's doing now are going to get her there. Does she have any ideas of how to make her dreams come true?
At first, I suspect she'll ignore you, but I think if you keep asking, she'll come around. Especially in the car. They can't run or hide.
I wouldn't tolerate her other bad behavior. Set rules. Enforce them. If you find out she's drinking, take the booze. Ask how she got it. Tell her if she doesn't tell you, you'll just have to call her friends' parents to find out because there's no way you'll allow her to put herself in harm's way. Tell her you may have to consider cameras or tracking devices to make sure she's safe. You hate invading her privacy, but you can't allow anything bad to happen. Not on your watch. Once she shows good judgement, she can have more privacy.
Tell your daughter you believe she's capable of so much more than what she's doing. You have higher expectations for her and she should have some for herself, too. But you'll help her get there by reminding her what she's capable of.
Reward her for good behavior. Start giving her more responsibility. Does she have a job? Any chores? She's part of your family so she should contribute to the family.
Meet the boyfriend. Spend time getting to know him and her other friends.
If her friends are bad for her, they are not going to want your involvement and they will drop her. Good.
If they're good for her, you'll know and they can be part of the solution.
I'd also tell her that I was sorry for the divorce and that she got a bad deal. But that's the way it goes. You'll help her get thru this.
I had a thought.
Since you have been more buddies than parent/child maybe you have trouble finding finding your parent voice. Try writing a heartfelt letter to her, no criticism, she is just too sensitive for whatever reason. Just short, concise, simple about your concerns. Tell her that you are trying to do the best you can and only want the best for her. That things are difficult for you too and you don't have all the answers and have flaws like the rest of humanity. By writing a letter you can rewrite, edit, start over, throw away, start over until you have what to say.
By writing you can put things down you may have trouble saying to her like about birth control. If she needs to go to Dr. let her make appointment, just give her phone numbers and her insurance card.
(side note, I went to a planned parenthood clinic because no way would I have discussed this with my parents)
As for her mom, if she wants to know more about her tell she can ask you, be as truthful as you can but facts only, no bitc**ng. No way bringing her to meet mom in another state. Mom needs to come to her and beg forgiveness, but that needs to go slowly if at all.
Give her a hug and tell her you love her.
Last edited by Izzie1213; 07-24-2017 at 10:34 AM..
I would ask her what her goals are, where she sees herself in 6 months, a year, 2 years. Ask if the things she's doing now are going to get her there. Does she have any ideas of how to make her dreams come true?
At first, I suspect she'll ignore you, but I think if you keep asking, she'll come around. Especially in the car. They can't run or hide.
I wouldn't tolerate her other bad behavior. Set rules. Enforce them. If you find out she's drinking, take the booze. Ask how she got it. Tell her if she doesn't tell you, you'll just have to call her friends' parents to find out because there's no way you'll allow her to put herself in harm's way. Tell her you may have to consider cameras or tracking devices to make sure she's safe. You hate invading her privacy, but you can't allow anything bad to happen. Not on your watch. Once she shows good judgement, she can have more privacy.
Tell your daughter you believe she's capable of so much more than what she's doing. You have higher expectations for her and she should have some for herself, too. But you'll help her get there by reminding her what she's capable of.
Reward her for good behavior. Start giving her more responsibility. Does she have a job? Any chores? She's part of your family so she should contribute to the family.
Meet the boyfriend. Spend time getting to know him and her other friends.
If her friends are bad for her, they are not going to want your involvement and they will drop her. Good.
If they're good for her, you'll know and they can be part of the solution.
I'd also tell her that I was sorry for the divorce and that she got a bad deal. But that's the way it goes. You'll help her get thru this.
As far as the divorce, not that I'm saying we've beaten that topic into the ground, but, we did a LOT of discussing it in the immediate aftermath where I reiterated that she was not a cause of the fighting and that yes, it will be awful growing up without a mom, but I told her to trust me, that things were better with the separation. If more divorce talk needs to happen, I'd be all for it. She currently has no job. I've tried in the past to make her find one, but eventually I just give up. I agree as well, I have a serious issue finding a parent voice
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