21 year old son...did we do the right thing?

[historyfan]

Two innocents are at risk. They would be my ONLY priority.

Your son needs get busy determining how he is going to support his children. And he needs stop having unprotected sex.

He needs make a list of options & pursue one.
Here is a start:

If he has a GED or is a high school graduate, he can look to further his education through college or tech school or apprenticeship program through a union. He needs get through a GED program, if he does not have diploma. He has 2 children, he will qualify for federal financial aid for college--it won't be easy while supporting children, but many have done it.

If he does not have a criminal record or drug habit, he can join a branch of the military. If he does not want to go active, he can join a state Army or Air Force national guard.

If he has a drug habit, he needs get clean & go to AA or narcotics anonymous, like yesterday.

You personally would benefit from counseling to have someone you can talk to about this and for help in developing coping skills. Being all stressed out is not going to help anyone.

He can turn his life around, if he wants to.

If he does not want to, you can figure out how to help his children/ your grandchildren without him.

[Katarina Witt]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

Four kids, all doing well, all love each other, 5 grandkids either in college or the Army. I won't pat myself on the back though, because, except for trying to set a good example, we didn't do anything different than others whose kids did not do as well.

In a nutshell, we were easy going parents who didn't sweat the small stuff, but were strict about mutual respect, lawfulness, and honesty.

So a number of us have successfully raised kids. And as you imply, some others who were raised similarly aren't doing as well. I know of such people too. I don't really know what ClaraC was getting at with that question.

[jdmil]

I need to break this up in order to address it completely:

Our oldest son will be 22 years old at the end of the month. He's always been a defiant, sneaky, disrespectful kid.

Hmm. Harsh yet curious way to start off your post. I'm not saying it's not true, but...kids don't raise themselves, y'know?

At the age of 17yo he got a girl pregnant. He still had 1 year left in high school, while she had just recently graduated from HS. Right after that child was born they became pregnant with a second baby. By this time we were moved out of state and they were living with her family. We bought him a brand new car for the reliability factor and he wrecked it within a few months.

First mistake: don't buy teenagers brand new cars. Your heart was in the right place, but cars don't grow on trees. Probably should've started off with a POS truck and let him save up for a nicer vehicle if he wanted one.

He used his insurance money to buy a piece of crap truck to replace the brand new car. Their relationship was a disaster, as you can imagine. In January of this year he called us sick, living out of his truck (was kicked out of girlfriends house) and no job. We told him to come live with us and we'll help get you back on your feet.

It's cool you guys let him come home-- I would have as well -- but I would've had a long talk about him and this girl. I don't know the entire situation, but it seems like both of their asses are dragging the ground. So, she doesn't have any room to be kicking out her kids' father. Unless it's domestic violence, I wouldn't have a lot of tolerance for that. It's none of my business, but if they're going to be dumb, I'd advise them to leave me out of it.

He can out and a couple months later he drove back out to pick up the gf and kids. While heading back his pos truck died on him. I drove out and picked them up.

See what I mean? Why is he going to pick them up? I understand doing it for his kids, but...that's why it's stupid for her to kick him out. And you included this in your story, but this detail is neither here nor there. His truck broke down, you went and got him. Big deal.

We laid down house rules, which he didn't follow and just having everybody here was a nightmare. The kids cried a lot and it wore on everybody's nerves. She never got a job(she applied but we live in a small town and it's not the easiest) and he could only work at a local restaurant for min. wage since he didn't have any transportation.

Not that you guys were in the least bit obligated, but: why wasn't his truck fixed? Transportation equals job, job equals money, money equals freedom. It would've been a good investment.

Well all the stress came to a head one weekend morning and things got out of control real fast. We said the gf and kids need to leave and within a week my husband was driving them back to her family. Our son didn't know whether to stay or go.

That's a pretty difficult spot to put him in. On one hand, I'd say he needs to stay with his kids. On the other, all you're doing is schluffing them off on her parents.

He applied to different places there and a friend said he could live with him. He was promised a job so he left last weekend. He gets there and discovers the gf has moved on and isn't wanting to let him see the kids.

Yet another reason why I would have actively discouraged him from being with her. And I wonder what job the friend promised.

His job prospect isn't as secure as he believed. His housing isn't as secure either. He slept in the park for sure in Sat. Night. Sunday he called crying and wanting to come home. But because he has ignored everything we ever said to him when giving parental advice, ignored the house rules ( no sleeping all day, no food or drinks in room, no chewing tobacco anywhere near the house), fighting with his 15 year old brother, disrespecting and yelling at me for stupid things we said he could not come back.

I get it. You don't him anything if he's being difficult like that. I will say, though, that those rules are a little ridiculous. You guys should've helped him get on his feet, find a job, pay a small fee for rent, and leave each other alone. Trying to set ground rules like you probably should've done when he was younger isn't going to work for someone his age. I don't mean kowtow, but you have to know how to keep the peace. If you already know he's difficult, I wouldn't put up with too much of his crap, but I wouldn't provoke much of it, either. I get where you're coming from, but you're leaving him homeless with two kids to take care of. I wouldn't do much just for his sake, but because of what it will mean for his kids. Their mother already seems unstable and silly herself, but you have nothing to do with her. But your son can't say that.

He needs to grow up and figure it out. We've tried to help but he doesn't listen. I'm having a tough time though. My husband and I argue over him all of the time. I'm too soft where he's concerned. And my hubby says he's a "cancer". Son thinks we've abandoned him and we disowning him, which we're not. We just don't him live no with us anymore. But we haven't heard from him since. Did we do the right thing? Not that it matters. He needs to grow up.

I look at it this way. You guys need to make the decision you can live with. Sometimes guilt is because you feel like you haven't done enough; sometimes that impulse is true, sometimes it's not. I get the feeling some of this is due to blind spots in your parenting coming to fruition, and I mean no disrespect by that. But like I said: kids don't raise themselves. If you wait until they're "grown" to start showing tough love, they're going to have a hard time thriving because those good impulses and cues aren't there.

[Electrician4you]

Originally Posted by boyzx3

Our oldest son will be 22 years old at the end of the month. He's always been a defiant, sneaky, disrespectful kid. At the age of 17yo he got a girl pregnant. He still had 1 year left in high school, while she had just recently graduated from HS. Right after that child was born they became pregnant with a second baby. By this time we were moved out of state and they were living with her family. We bought him a brand new car for the reliability factor and he wrecked it within a few months. He used his insurance money to buy a piece of crap truck to replace the brand new car. Their relationship was a disaster, as you can imagine. In January of this year he called us sick, living out of his truck (was kicked out of girlfriends house) and no job. We told him to come live with us and we'll help get you back on your feet. He can out and a couple months later he drove back out to pick up the gf and kids. While heading back his pos truck died on him. I drove out and picked them up. We laid down house rules, which he didn't follow and just having everybody here was a nightmare. The kids cried a lot and it wore on everybody's nerves. She never got a job(she applied but we live in a small town and it's not the easiest) and he could only work at a local restaurant for min. wage since he didn't have any transportation. Well all the stress came to a head one weekend morning and things got out of control real fast. We said the gf and kids need to leave and within a week my husband was driving them back to her family. Our son didn't know whether to stay or go. He applied to different places there and a friend said he could live with him. He was promised a job so he left last weekend. He gets there and discovers the gf has moved on and isn't wanting to let him see the kids. His job prospect isn't as secure as he believed. His housing isn't as secure either. He slept in the park for sure in Sat. Night. Sunday he called crying and wanting to come home. But because he has ignored everything we ever said to him when giving parental advice, ignored the house rules ( no sleeping all day, no food or drinks in room, no chewing tobacco anywhere near the house), fighting with his 15 year old brother, disrespecting and yelling at me for stupid things we said he could not come back. He needs to grow up and figure it out. We've tried to help but he doesn't listen. I'm having a tough time though. My husband and I argue over him all of the time. I'm too soft where he's concerned. And my hubby says he's a "cancer". Son thinks we've abandoned him and we disowning him, which we're not. We just don't him live no with us anymore. But we haven't heard from him since. Did we do the right thing? Not that it matters. He needs to grow up.

Your husband is right. He's a loser. Cut the lifeline because you will NEVER be rid of him. Some peop,e require a 2x4 approach. Your son is one of those people.
I wouldn't lift a finger to help him if he was my son. If he showed that he is trying to take care of his family and has a job and is attempting to start a life sure I'll help. From what you described he's nothing but a leach.
Just because it's family doesn't mean you need to. Jump and sacrifice yourself and your husband because the son needs help.

[brendanl1998]

I think it is time for a little tough love. I am 18 and in college and just completed a summer internship. There is no reason for him to behave like that. He needs to develop a work ethic. 22 is way too old for that behavior. He is acting like he is 15. If he can't be responsible, why should you help him out financially. I say don't help him until he keeps a job and doesn't slack all day. Just make sure he isn't suffering from any depression or mental health problems, since that would change the situation, but if not, go with your gut and stop treating him like a child, since he's not anymore. It will actually help him in the long run if he has to provide for himself. Also, don't worry about his gf, since she has her own family. Definitely try to keep a relationship with your grandchild, but if you are having problems with your son, go to the gf around him. I know it sounds harsh, but it will help him I think.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

Four kids, all doing well, all love each other, 5 grandkids either in college or the Army. I won't pat myself on the back though, because, except for trying to set a good example, we didn't do anything different than others whose kids did not do as well.

In a nutshell, we were easy going parents who didn't sweat the small stuff, but were strict about mutual respect, lawfulness, and honesty.

Yep. We don't pat ourselves on the back either. It's all about supporting our kids, and hopefully they will turn out well. We set GREAT examples, for generations back, and hoped our kids would follow through on the examples we all set. If not, we were there as a safety net.

There is not the first chance I'd kick my kids to the curb if they weren't succeeding as young 20somethings. No way.

[justanokie]

Originally Posted by boyzx3

Our oldest son will be 22 years old at the end of the month. ...............But we haven't heard from him since. Did we do the right thing? Not that it matters. He needs to grow up.

There is no right answer.

Maybe the only way he is going to get his act together is if he is forced to. Maybe he comes around in a few years and thanks you for not enabling him.

Maybe he never gets it together and you have to ask yourself this question everytime you think about him.

Maybe if you had invited him back it was just what he needed to finally get moving in the right direction with a fresh start.

Maybe if you had invited him back he totally messed up your other kid and destroyed your marriage and never amounted to anything.

The only thing for sure is you have made your decision and you both should be in agreement on it instead of arguing about it or its going to get very bitter if your son winds up in a worse situation.

[hunterseat]

I'm not able to read through all replies but I will say I have a 24yr old son who has tried my last nerve. Still, he's on my insurance until... what, 26? So I paid for a treatment program, etc. He's doing okay-ish as he works towards a certification in a particular skill. He's following house rules fairly well and works a full-time job. I expect he will be moving out soon. I won't be able to bail him out again. I only did it this time because he was fairly compliant with rules.

I want to look back and say I did everything I knew to do. After that, it's on him. And I'm not sure, OP, that you know what else to do. You have to preserve your marriage. I would look at some programs to get him a marketable job skill or help him take some courses, see if he can find out what he's really skilled at.

He's not father material at this point and it sounds like his baby-mama figured that out. Leave her alone. If she pushes for support then the courts can help find him a job.

Where there's a will there's a way. Don't tell him he's worthless or that it's hopeless. There's always hope.
Best wishes from me!

[kapikap]

what many poster fail to realize, 2 kids at 22 years of age is not easy. I have been there before. At that age, your are an adult baby, figuring out how adult life works. School and parents only show you so much. Parents are more concerned with telling their kids, "dont be a loser" instead of finding a way with words, where the Baby Adult can feel like he is making the right decision.

It is too late for shoulda,woulda,coulda. the situation is present, and parents have to jump out of the vortex, and find a better way to give out lessons. Dont let these adult babies come running under your skirt, instead learn how to guide them into making a good decision.

How hard would it be of the 22 yrs old to wash some damn dishes for a living? move some boxes or mow some grass. the situation will get better, eventually. newcomers come into the country, and jump on those jobs, killing themselves to support their families, with limited English, and manage to get by and succeed . why cant this 22 years old? move to where the jobs are, and away from mommy and daddy.

So , teach them while they are young. Make them buy or earn that first Used car. make them pay and maintain that car, so if they mess it up, they can take the bicycle from the garage. teaching hard work, independence and self reliance is a big deal. Although I have made bad choices in the past, with money, I stopped accepting any form of Money from my parents at 16 years of age. I was embarrassed to ask for or accept something from my mothers, juicy fruit scented purse.