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I used to have a job that required me to be always on time when we had external client meetings. For almost 4 years on that job I have missed only 2 or 3 meetings out of hundreds of them and this was due to some scheduling error, Outlook invitation not going through or once due to a huge railway collapse that stopped all trains into the city for hours that day.
I have a job now that I officially need to start at 8, but I hardly ever arrive earlier than 8:10 or so, same as many of my coworkers. Of course, unless I have a 8am meeting or have to send a morning report to headquarters by 8:15 sharp - if that's the case, I almost never get late. Of course I don't use it to cut on my hours - I normally leave 15-20 minutes past the end of my shift anyway and so far I've never heard any complaints from anyone. This is of course not true if you HAVE to be on the clock and something heavily depends on you being here and now (like a security guard or an on-call neurosurgeon lol) - I have a little bit of freedom here as the world won't fall apart if I send *that* sales report 15 minutes later - they are usually planned in a way that small delays don't impact anything.[/i])
You sound SO much like me! Somehow I subconsciously know when it's truly important to be on time, like for a job interview or staff meeting, and then I usually am - but otherwise I tend to run 10-20 minutes late on average, and thankfully my job doesn't often depend on me being ON-THE-DOT punctual. Also like you, I make up for it by staying late, taking shorter breaks, etc. So it's not like I'm being paid for time I don't work, which is why my supervisors have typically cut me some slack. Anyway, just wanted to say I can relate.
I was responsible for getting myself up and ready for school when I hit middle school. If I was late or missed the bus, it was my problem. I ended up with a day's worth of chores! At 17, you shouldn't be waking her up. She's almost an adult. She can get her self up and ready and if she can't, then she will have to deal with the consequences. I would stop waking her up.
OP, perhaps you should consider getting her an alarm that Deaf people use. There's a lamp option, which doesn't work for me and most people I know... but there's the vibration alarm and it shakes the whole bed that it does get jolting at first. It is a bit pricey, but it could work. I remember when my husband forgot to turn it off once, but he didn't know there was a sound that accompanied it which was a very shrilling / annoying noise that when he came home (apt) his neighbor begged that it be turned off.
Otherwise, the other things... I agree natural consequences, it does sound like you're kind of shielding her from that. What is this dilly dallying she's doing?
OP, perhaps you should consider getting her an alarm that Deaf people use. There's a lamp option, which doesn't work for me and most people I know... but there's the vibration alarm and it shakes the whole bed that it does get jolting at first. It is a bit pricey, but it could work. (...)
Fitbit fitness trackers are actually pretty nice vibration alarms. My wife and I both use them when any of us needs to wake up very early / in the middle of the night not to bother everyone. And some of them are quite cheap if you can get them on sale. Just my 2c.
Fitbit fitness trackers are actually pretty nice vibration alarms. My wife and I both use them when any of us needs to wake up very early / in the middle of the night not to bother everyone. And some of them are quite cheap if you can get them on sale. Just my 2c.
Would those work on someone who's an "extremely hard" sleeper? (The sound on the Sonic alarm can be turned down/off, so it wouldn't bother others.)
Would those work on someone who's an "extremely hard" sleeper? (The sound on the Sonic alarm can be turned down/off, so it wouldn't bother others.)
YMMV, but I definitely consider myself a hard sleeper and I sometimes wake up because of my wife's Fitbit Charge going off in vibration mode. It's quite strong and easy to feel.
Again, it all depends on a person and on a situation. I have once fallen asleep in an aircraft even before take-off and haven't woken up up until a few hours until arrival so that flight attendants started to worry if I was okay or not lol. Mind that there were loud PAs, serving food, people talking and such ... which I all missed in my sweet dreams. But before that I haven't slept for almost 30 hours in a row due to work.
Here's how my dad broke me of it: he left me alone.
He stopped waking me up.
He left me at home, when he used to take me to school.
He left me at home, instead of taking me to work.
The first time I woke up late, and went running through the house to find him to yell at him, he was gone. I was flabbergasted. I tried calling him at work and he wouldn't answer.
I missed that day of school because I had no way of getting there. When he got home, I blamed him for it, and he shrugged me off. He said, "You've made me late to my job too many times now, and I can't afford to lose my job, this house, or my car. So if you can't get up on your own, you can fail, and not graduate. I no longer care. It's your life to screw up or not, but you're not going to screw up mine, too."
Boy was I pissed. But I got my ass up the next day. And instead of taking me to school, he made me walk to the bus stop. I argued with him because I was up! But he said, "I don't trust you anymore to not make me late. It's time for you to get your own way to school."
I was not officially diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but I know I have one or the other. I was a rotten kid and my poor parents went through hell with me.
But when they had had enough, it was over, and if I wanted to graduate, I had to do it on my own.
That's what I would do. Time to learn a hard lesson. I would be nice enough to explain when the new regimen starts so she knows the game and the rules. Plus there needs to be a cost. Late equals no allowance or extra chores at home. In the real world there are financial penalties for tardiness.
As someone who was diagnosed with ADHD but only was on medication for a short while, I lost track of time when I was on adderall. Not sure if she's medicated but that could be it. The medication makes one so focused you lose track of everything but your task at hand. We have a friend like this who is in his 20's like us and he has been medicated his whole life and is late to everything but his job to the point he missed a flight to Europe and couldn't go.
Thank you all very much for all the suggestions. Thank you especially to those who shared their personal struggles with both time management and ADHD. The Jason Salotti YouTube videos on ADHD’s effects on executive functioning, time, and mood were eye opening. It was a real light bulb moment for me and has changed how I respond to my daughter in these areas. I’m no longer angry. I want to help her find the workarounds to be successful.
Time management has always been a struggle for me, and after reading some of your experiences and listening to Salotti speak, I’m starting to wonder if I also have undiagnosed ADHD. I can identify with so many of you and the struggles you’ve all shared. That being said, my lack of time management hasn’t adversely affected my younger son who is very aware of time, gets up easily, gets himself ready for school, and gets his homework done without the kind of monitoring and constant intervention we had to go through with our daughter. My own time management struggles have improved dramatically over the last several years because I was angering friends and getting a reputation of being “that” family who can never be on time for anything. I’ve improved primarily because I don’t want my kids to suffer for my mistakes. I’m rarely late to anything any more, especially getting them to school or activities.
For those who have asked what have we’ve been doing with our daughter all this time, we’ve had her in therapy since her initial diagnosis at age 6. The doctors who diagnosed her recommended multiple medications and multiple weekly therapies. At the time we were horrified and thought that was no way for a kid to live, and we questioned the validity ofthe diagnosis. The therapist we took her to for several years after her diagnosis truly believed our daughter didn’t have ADHD at all.
When she was younger we were able to manage her time through strict rules at home, using TV/electronics/etc as a short term reward for taking care of homework and chores first, and bigger rewards for good grades. For the most part, that approach has worked, but helping her manage her moods and her homework schedule were utterly exhausting. It got better as she got older because she learned not to argue—I’m more stubborn than she is. But there are challenges we haven’t effectively helped her overcome on her own yet, namely time management. She realizes it’s a problem and she wants to improve. So this is why I’m asking for advice, techniques to help her that I haven’t thought of or personally experienced.
The natural consequences of her actions will probably be the most effective. We’ve bought her alarms for her bedroom and bathroom and she started using them successfully last week. I’ve been helping her back into how much time she needs to get ready, how long it takes to drive to school, how to add extra time for walking to class, etc. I’m trying to teach her how to apply that technique to all situations that require she be somewhere at a specific time. And I’ve talked with her at length on many occasions about how her lateness is perceived as passive aggressive and inconsiderate by others, even though that’s not her intent—it’s simply a genuine struggle that’s part of her ADHD.
To the poster who commented that she shouldn’t attend college away from home, yes, we’ve already come to that conclusion, and so has our daughter. She’s going to live at home and attend a local junior college for 2 years, then transfer. She realizes she’s not ready for a 4 year university away from home. She’s also one of the youngest amongst her peers and will still be 17 when she starts college.
Just because she’s still struggling withe time management at 17 doesn’t mean the window of opportunity for learning this skill is over. If adults with undiagnosed ADHD can get a diagnosis later in life AND find techniques or workarounds for their time management issues, then hope is not lost for her. And it’s a learning process for us too in figuring out when we need to step in and help her and when we need to let go and let her fall. But we will never give up on her.
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