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I would strongly encourage him to join the military ASAP. That could be a lifesaver for him and get him turned around before he goes too far off the rails to be helped. My own son signed up for the Marines at 17 and left on a bus for basic training the day of his 18th birthday, a month after graduating high school (he did at least have reasonable grades). I was SO upset about this but it is the best thing that could have happened for him. He was headed down a bad path. He's now a special ops, in MARSOC, speaks 3 other languages fluently, has traveled all over the world, is married, owns his own small home, and he's only 24! I believe he will be career military. I couldn't be more proud of him. Of course, he will have to get his GED to be able to do this.
Is it possible to join the military when you are almost 100 pounds overweight? He is pushing 300 pounds. What little money he does make and more than likely steals, goes for junk food, soda and cigarettes. As an addendum, at one point he was stealing my youngest son's Boost supplement that he was taking for nourishment when he was on chemotherapy and still takes because of his Autism and the strange eating habits that accompany that. I had to lock it in a closet. Apparently he liked it because it has a high sugar content and since we didn't provide soda - he would take that instead.
Thank you so much for all your replies. I never knew that we could be in trouble legally because of his actions, I just thought because he is 18, it would all fall on him. That puts a new perspective on things. On regards to the bio mom - she is just a complete train wreck. She will never step up in this or any situation. She never paid a dime in child support, and now is living off the government and about to implode herself. The strain on me has at times been almost unbearable, but at least I tried to step up and do the right thing.
It’s not just being legally held responsible for his actions, it’s what happens when someone who relies on lying and stealing to get what they want find themselves in a position where he’s no longer surrounded by stablizng forces (School, home, church, therapy, job) that were at least partly meeting some of his needs? What happens when he truly has to support himself and fill his days on top of that, what kind of people will he surround himself with? What kinds of things will he get into for money? And do you want him working with those things or people making you the next target for cash?
This can get real, very quickly IMO.
He needs help but he won’t take it. He has to hit his own bottom before he begins to remember he was shown a better path. But once he’s truly hit the post high school phase, you can’t really control who he’s around and all bets are off.
What about an "alternative" GED program for troubled kids?
Another option would be to report him to the police, when he steals from you and your employees. It sounds like he needs a wakeup call. You could talk to the school, and tell them you would support them in reporting his thefts to police. No one is requiring him to face the consequences of his actions. ....just saying.
What went wrong with this child, does your husband have any insights? What was his early childhood like?
When he has stolen in the past, when we could prove it, we made him 100% accountable. With the money he stole from the boosters, I had a hunch it was stolen - so my husband and I turned him in. I believe this boy is a sociopath. He lies about anything and everything and has zero empathy for his actions. When we turned him in to the school his response was "how could you do this to your own son!"
As for his childhood, his parents separated and divorced when he was five. There is a pretty significant history of mental issues on his Mothers side, and his Mom is quite unstable emotionally. My husband blames himself in many ways because of the divorce, but he made sure that his children were provided for both emotionally and financially and he tried the best he could. His mom couldn't deal with him, and her answer was to buy him anything and everything he wanted. When he came to us he found out in a hurry that we don't do that sort of thing and he had a hard time adjusting.
Sometimes I blame myself as well. My youngest son has really taken up most of my time, due to him having both Leukemia(now in remission) and Autism. Had I had more time, maybe I would not be on line right now, telling all of you this dreadful story.
"What went wrong with this child" isn't really relevant to the situation at this point. No sense trying to lay on the guilt, what the parents should or shouldn't have done differently, or whatever.
The OP has to deal with the present and move forward to do what is in the best interests of herself and her other children.
Best of luck. I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
"What went wrong with this child" isn't really relevant to the situation at this point. No sense trying to lay on the guilt, what the parents should or shouldn't have done differently, or whatever.
The OP has to deal with the present and move forward to do what is in the best interests of herself and her other children.
Best of luck. I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
"What went wrong with this child" isn't really relevant to the situation at this point. No sense trying to lay on the guilt, what the parents should or shouldn't have done differently, or whatever.
The OP has to deal with the present and move forward to do what is in the best interests of herself and her other children.
Best of luck. I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
So true - being the best parent in the world does not mean you will end up with the perfect child. Regardless of this kid's situation, there are thousands, even not millions more just like him, in the same situations if not worse, and they are not lying, stealing, quitting school, etc. There are homeless kids that grew up on the streets sleeping under bridges that managed to graduate high school with grades good enough to earn them scholarships. At this age, the kid is accountable for his own actions.
Let me add that our marriage has suffered greatly because of the strain,and we were separated twice in the past because of it.
How did the separation work? Who stayed with who & who left with who? Was it horribly expensive?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Blue
Sorry you seem to be going through this almost alone.
It might help to make your husband take his son with him the next time he "moves out" because of the tension on the marriage due to the actions of his son, and dad not following through with his own rules.
I think he will be more likely to share responsibility of how to deal with his son and follow through with his threats for a change.
This is so relevant & almost nobody ever picks up on this issue with (primarily) dads. They sure have a lot of great ideas about how things should work!
Except they rarely make the sacrifices to enforce those "great ideas". Let me guess, OP: You are the Enforcer; correct? You get to endure the disobedience, confront the disobedience & enforce the consequences of the disobedience.
Dad, gets an uninterrupted day at work. Maybe a report of the disobedience? And then he delegates more ultimatums to you ... for the son.
Finally, your "report to the chief" is that: This is not working & I can't keep this up!" And he can't really relate because ... well; he's been able to work just fine!
I can't stand this. I realize that somebody has to go to work to support the family but the reason the son is taking advantage of YOU, is because your husband ... his dad .... does not have your back. You are not a united front & the kid KNOWS this: You have been separated twice, "because of him". He's playing you both. He's the man of the house now & only his dad can fix that.
His dad needs to communicate that you are his wife & that he will not tolerate anybody treating his wife in this manner. One chance. No second try; he's out. Period.
I also hate it when you have to be the one to tell the man ... how to be a man. It's lame but I've been there.
You don't have a parenting problem. You have a marital problem. This kid is headed straight to prison.
I won't go into what should have happened, a long time ago, which was that he should have faced natural consequences for stealing, at an age when it would have been handled by the juvenile system. Now, the first time that he winds up in court, it's gonna be as an adult, with adult consequences. I won't go into the fact that you both should never have believed that he was saving his money - you should have charged him massive amounts in rent, and board, leaving him a small amount of pocket money, just as would have been the situation had he had to move out and pay his own way. It's all water under the bridge.
Now, you have a criminal living in the house with you, and the criminal's father, who is your husband and the father of your handicapped and sick child, is not in the home. I hope you have a very strong marriage, because anything less is not going to survive this kid. First, I would strongly urge you to quietly move any assets that you can into your own name - you're possibly gonna need them. Build up an emergency fund, because you may wind up divorcing over this kid. You then need to tell your husband that you will no longer tolerate having your stepson in your home. That he has to move out, and pronto, or you will make absolutely sure that he is arrested for his next criminal act. In fact, do you have a fairly recent criminal act that he can be arrested for? You can threaten that.
If you're moving in March, why not just move without him? Leave him there - he has a job, can get another, could likely bunk with a friend. Are you leaving a rental, or are you selling your house? Maybe you can move him into a cheap SRO, near potential jobs, and leave him. There is no way you can have this kid move with you.
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