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Ever since my children were born, my relationship has died (this is a separate topic, not to be discussed here). A big, but not only reason, is constant fatigue that leads to grumpiness and just overall a horrible mood. We always end up taking out stress & anger out on each other and are constantly arguing. How does one deal with this?
We have 1 baby and 1 toddler. Yes we get 2 short breaks (~30min) during the day while they nap, but all we are doing is house work/chores during this time. Yes we have help sometimes, parents come over at least once a week for couple hours, but once again, this time is just spent catching up on house work/chores/cooking plus entertaining guests. It is nonstop. Yes after they both sleep we have sometime to ourselves, but after they sleep it's just more work and planning for next day. Also, by end of the day, the fatigue is at max level and tolerance/patience is super low. Then next day the cycle repeats.
Is this just a consequence of being a parent? It sounds like it'll never get better until kids are both in school.
Ever since my children were born, my relationship has died (this is a separate topic, not to be discussed here). A big, but not only reason, is constant fatigue that leads to grumpiness and just overall a horrible mood. We always end up taking out stress & anger out on each other and are constantly arguing. How does one deal with this?
We have 1 baby and 1 toddler. Yes we get 2 short breaks (~30min) during the day while they nap, but all we are doing is house work/chores during this time. Yes we have help sometimes, parents come over at least once a week for couple hours, but once again, this time is just spent catching up on house work/chores/cooking plus entertaining guests. It is nonstop. Yes after they both sleep we have sometime to ourselves, but after they sleep it's just more work and planning for next day. Also, by end of the day, the fatigue is at max level and tolerance/patience is super low. Then next day the cycle repeats.
Is this just a consequence of being a parent? It sounds like it'll never get better until kids are both in school.
Your post reminds me of what my own DD went through just a few years ago. Her kids are now 6 (almost 7) and 4. She had a toddler, an infant, and ran her own business (taking both kids with her to work every day). Son in law (her DH) had a full time job plus a side business. They both had the upkeep of a large house as well. Things were hairy for them, I can tell you. They were stressed and exhausted, in spite of having me and DH help out (me with childcare, him with DD's business). For a long time, I stayed at their place every weekend, and went to her business every afternoon after work to help with the babies. They (we) eventually made it through, and so will you.
First of all, why are you "entertaining guests" during this stressful time in your life, when you're spread so thin? DD and son in law were practically hermits through the adjustment period of having two small children. Don't invite anyone over...if they are your true friends, they'll understand. If they do insist on coming over, ASK THEM TO HELP (only half kidding here).
Are you both working? If so, divide up the chores. DD has Sunday set aside to prepare meals for the week, while son in law does the cleaning...bathrooms, vacuuming, bedrooms. She gets the cooking for the whole week done in just a couple of hours (but then spends another hour on dishes and kitchen cleanup). Granted, she has a double oven and two Instapots to help with this. She'll have load after load of laundry going nonstop while she cooks, and son in law puts it away. They started going grocery shopping once a month (at Costco usually) and buy in bulk as much as possible, picking up perishables and fresh fruit/vegetables as needed. I babysit these weekends when they shop...grocery shopping is stressful with two kids (especially now with the Covid).
Most importantly, make a "date night" every month. Can your parents or your partners' parents come and stay overnight one weekend a month? DD and son in law did this (DH and I would stay with their kids over the weekend, while they booked a motel room overnight to really be away), and it worked wonders. It gave them something to look forward to. Didn't relieve the stress, but it gave them something to look forward to. I still spend two weekends a month at their place, even with the kids being as big as they are, to help out and give them a breather.
Sometimes, there are household chores you just need to temporarily "let go" if they aren't a priority. We had a saying, "If you ain't seeing it, I ain't cleaning it".
Lastly, make sure you take care of yourselves. Try to put aside time to exercise and eat right. Nap, if you need it, when the little ones nap. And make sure you eat a healthy diet. All marriages/relationships suffer a bit during this adjustment period, but you'll get through it. Just hang in there.
If you happen to like to read to destress, and get a little time for it, read "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weimer. It will put new parenthood in hilarious perspective.
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 10-11-2020 at 04:14 PM..
That was the happiest times when I had 1 toddler and a baby. It was a blast for both my wife and I to see our family growing. Having your child being a child and a baby crying for attention is just so lively around the house. You have to take the good from the bad and learn to handle tough situation. That's what being a parent is about. The ability to handle stress, multi-task, and find joy when the situation is under control.
Is this just a consequence of being a parent? It sounds like it'll never get better until kids are both in school.
Yes. It sucks big time until the kids are 3. After that it's slowly better until pre/school. Then COVID comes along and it sucks again.
Jettison the housework. Our place is a wreck, but who cares? We don't have people over--that's too much extra work anyway--we just meet out at restaurants, parks, etc.
You can train the little monsters to handle most of their PITA maintenance from around 3 (potty) to 5 (showers/making the bed/etc).
We live away from both grandparents. This helps, I think. Because when we visit, they're super eager to take over and we go out every night. Visiting family is partially a vacation from the kids.
Ever since my children were born, my relationship has died (this is a separate topic, not to be discussed here). A big, but not only reason, is constant fatigue that leads to grumpiness and just overall a horrible mood. We always end up taking out stress & anger out on each other and are constantly arguing. How does one deal with this?
We have 1 baby and 1 toddler. Yes we get 2 short breaks (~30min) during the day while they nap, but all we are doing is house work/chores during this time. Yes we have help sometimes, parents come over at least once a week for couple hours, but once again, this time is just spent catching up on house work/chores/cooking plus entertaining guests. It is nonstop. Yes after they both sleep we have sometime to ourselves, but after they sleep it's just more work and planning for next day. Also, by end of the day, the fatigue is at max level and tolerance/patience is super low. Then next day the cycle repeats.
Is this just a consequence of being a parent? It sounds like it'll never get better until kids are both in school.
One question and one suggestion --
How often do you entertain guests? If you are doing it so often that it is a "constant" factor, couldn't you cut down on the entertaining?
Here is the suggestion: When our kids were very young, my wonderful husband would give me a four-hour break once a week in which I could do whatever I wanted. (I was a SAHM, so he got his "break" from the kids by going to work.) That once-a-week break gave me something to look forward to and actually taking the break did wonders for my overall mental health.
Have you considered that you may be depressed? I struggled for years when my kids were small. A small dose of Prozac really lifted the fog for me and gave me more brain space to come up with the resources and patience I needed to get through the exhaustion.
I'd probably get blood work done. I had extremely low Vit D, and felt a little less exhausted after taking prescription supplements. But mostly, yes it's just parenting. Stop entertaining. When parents come over ask them to take the kids out of the house, and SLEEP. We had no help ever, so we only had one child. Our relationship would not have survived two. Use the help you have to sleep and get out together alone for a little bit, even if it's just for a walk.
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You immediately dismiss that your relationship "died" after the kids were born and you seem to view that as not at all related to how you're feeling.
That's the entirety of your problem.
Parenting littles is tiring, but if you're both in there together, with a sense of humor and love and affection for each other, the tiredness is not such a big deal.
If the two of you are at each other's throats, that's where you end up frustrated and irritated, IMHO.
Just because you're both tired, you don't have to be nasty to each other. That's kind of an immaturity problem, IMHO, if you can't soldier forth together when you don't feel great.
I do know that people have a variety of energy levels and a variety of how much they enjoy taking care of small children, but I agree with Vision33R.
That was the best time of my life, as tiring as it was, to have little ones in to play with and take care of. Even if I would fall asleep the moment my head hit the pillow at night.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
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Well, I just went and looked through your postings to see if I could offer something more helpful.
OP, you've got a LOT of difficulties going on right now. Apparently you're in a physically abusive relationship, you're in over your heads financially although you make good money, you two are complete opposites and you're thinking of putting in a pool.
Do you have anyone who can mentor you through all this? It seems all these problems are piling up and none of them are being solved.
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