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Hold on SeminoleTom.
The 17 year old wants to be a pilot? I have news for you. Every pilot is constantly doing calculations, even before entering the taxiway.
Every.
Single.
One of 'em.
Imagine playing monopoly without math. Can't happen.
Now, as far as you being a "walking wallet..."
That's a far cry from being an engineer. If that kid is that intent on being a pilot, he'll do the math he needs.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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Welcome to the frustration of being the father of teens, many before you have been through this, as will many more after you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was follow in my father's footsteps as an electronics engineer. Somehow I managed to be successful in my field. My youngest was only interested in being an EMT after 911 happened when he was 14. No way I was going to discourage him because they make barely more than minimum wage. He's now 33, and has become the EMS director for a county.
Just wait, when they get married and have kids, you will become much more in demand, helping with moving, home repairs, and babysitting the grandkids. That, when it happens, is far more gratifying, and fun, than whatever you are looking for and missing now, when your kids are teens, and "know everything."
Welcome to the frustration of being the father of teens, many before you have been through this, as will many more after you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was follow in my father's footsteps as an electronics engineer. Somehow I managed to be successful in my field. My youngest was only interested in being an EMT after 911 happened when he was 14. No way I was going to discourage him because they make barely more than minimum wage. He's now 33, and has become the EMS director for a county.
Just wait, when they get married and have kids, you will become much more in demand, helping with moving, home repairs, and babysitting the grandkids. That, when it happens, is far more gratifying, and fun, than whatever you are looking for and missing now, when your kids are teens, and "know everything."
Yep. My brother and his wife tore their hair out when my nephew blew off college and decided to be a security guard.
Ten years later, he became head of security for a hospital system. Now, two years later, he sit son national panels and loves it.
I have a teen as well. I don't have the same feelings as you OP because I never expected to be giving advice, etc. My wife and I are both successfull profesionally and would give the world to our kid - contacts, connections for a career in our fields, information on how to be good at our professions, tips and tricks to success, etc. But hey, our kid is who he is and he isn't ready for that stuff. If he ever is, we will both be right there to shower him with all the elements that'll make for a great career, and whatever else. Until that time, provide the paycheck. Oh, and use a portion of that paycheck for a hobby.
Hi-
I swear all I feel like at times is the person that pays the bills. No one really listens to me on advice, or really even comes to me for advice. My wife said that's not true but it feels like it. Our kids are good kids but they would rather be on their phones or playing video games, etc. My 17 year old son, who is going to be a pilot spends all of his time learning the ins and outs of that profession. The ironic thing is he didn't get that from me. He got it from my wife's side. I actually hate flying and am generally not a thrill seeker.
To be more specific, on the careers angle, I guess I just wish one of them would be interested in the engineering/computers/math route. I've been encouraging it for years and it seems all the kids hate math...lol. As I mentioned the 17 year old chose a career I have no interest in at all.
I don't know, its not really what I envisioned as what it was going to be like as a father. I know teenage years are rough years and I'm feeling that. I try to stay positive with whatever they are doing, just feels like whenever I'm needed is when its time to pay the bills and if someone needs something. Is this normal?
Thanks for thoughts and advice.
It is up to you to encourage and support and take an interest in your children’s pursuits, not the other way around.
My husband is an engineer and was a college athlete. Our son is artistic and doesn’t care about sports. Yet my husband takes an interest in our son’s ambitions, and has done all he can to support and encourage our son’s pursuits.
Being a parent is not about making your kids mini versions of yourself, but about making them the best versions of themselves. And many times yes, money is involved.
What kind of message do you think it sends your son when his whole ambition in life, which “he spends all his time learning aboutâ€, you dismiss and say you hate? No wonder he avoids you.
My advice is, if you want a good relationship with your son, take an interest in his future career and his passion. Find out why he loves flying. Maybe learn to enjoy it a little bit yourself.
You don’t have to be the same kinds of people to be close as father and son.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 02-16-2021 at 03:02 PM..
Thank you all, there is some really good feedback in this thread.
Yes, I'm a hands on dad-- been that way since birth for all three of our kids. But that is where the problem comes in. I'm not used to being the guy that is only asked about something is in regards to needing money. Its just a change for me is all.
I understand about letting the kids do whatever they want for their careers. I just assumed given how much our world is changing and the importance of technology (the proverbial STEM fields) that the kids would want to follow my footsteps. That, I know, is a pill I'm going to have to get over.
I think all of us want our kids to make good decisions; its like us parents looking at them and saying: "yea don't do that, no that's not a good idea" is something we want because , yes we want them to make good choices. But the fine line is, and I have to come to terms with, its them making the decisions and not me (their life).
Last edited by SeminoleTom; 02-16-2021 at 04:33 PM..
Welcome to the world of parenting. Up to now, it was a dress rehearsal. Now the real fun begins.
Here's the thing to tell yourself over and over again like a mantra: It's their life now. My job is keep them alive and functioning until they're 21, to protect their soul and spirit. That's it. You're not their friend. But you're not their commander, either.
Teenagers are busy trying to figure out who they are. And they're smarter than you think. They know what they like and they don't like. And no matter how hard you try, they are going to take the path they want to take. Your job is to help them find that path, not steer them down the path you want.
I mean, hey, you already have a son obsessed with being a pilot. He seems self-directed, which is more than the average teenager can say. So what the hell are you complaining about?
The harder you push, the harder they push in the opposite direction. The more demanding you get, the more they'll lash out in destructive ways.
My daughter absolutely loved history in junior high and high school. But when she got into college, she decided to major in nursing. I said, "Why don't you major in history? It's what you love." Nope. Concerned about earning a living.
Hated nursing. Tried majoring in HR. Hated that, too. Finally, at the beginning of her junior year, she said, "Screw it. I'm majoring in history." It was like she became a completely different person overnight. Worked at it like a demon. Went to conferences. Delivered papers. Earned her Masters. Earned research grants. She's taking a two year break to work, but several Ph.D. programs are all courting her. I have no doubt that she's going to be fine.
My wife's friends were appalled. "You're going to let her do that?" was pretty much the unanimous response. Yet I don't see any of their kids being all that happy as sales reps or whatever else their job might be. Meanwhile, my daughter is making her way in the world and bubbling over while she does it.
Here's the thing. If you really love what you do, you'll be really good at it. If you're really good at it, you'll earn a good living. But, even more importantly, you'll be fulfilled and happy in life.
I'd have to find it, but I saw a fascinating chart a few years ago that mapped in detail the lifelong earnings of individuals by major. The usual pat observations were made, such as the average engineer makes more money than the average English major. But, guess what? An English major in the 75% quartile of lifetime earnings makes more than an engineer in the 25% quartile of lifetime earnings. That's the difference between someone who is passionate about his career choice and someone who is not.
So when your kids are making their choices, they know what will make them happy. Maybe they haven't applied that kind of bliss to their career choice yet, but they will. It's important for you to say, "You love this, so why not a profession where you get paid for what you love?"
My best friend is a lawyer. He is the managing partner at a huge law firm. Makes tons of money. But, guess what? He hates being a lawyer. Can't believe he's spent his career being a lawyer. He wants to do anything but be a lawyer. But he's kind of stuck.
So love your children. But love them as individuals with hopes, passions, and fears that are unique to them. You are not making an imprint of yourself, but rather helping a unique individual grow into fulfillment of their own unique gifts. When you abandon your own expectations in favor of their heartfelt desires, you will not only feel less stress, but you'll be amazed at the kind of people they become.
Your job isn't to force them into a profession. Your job is to teach them to live life with intention. Manage that and you'll be amazed at the results.
Watch this. Then watch it again. Then watch it once more.
I like this advice.
This part is so true: The harder you push, the harder they push in the opposite direction. The more demanding you get, the more they'll lash out in destructive ways.
Would it ease to know , we author the perception of our family role. I think we compromise our way into a specific set of 'duties'. As that parent, a lightbulb comes on where we re evaluate how it is or isn't working out.
I wonder how long you could be gone before your children would notice. You could do an experiment, with your wife's cooperation. Plan on being gone for a week. Don't say anything to them, just be gone. Go fishing or take a vacation, whatever you like. Your wife would have to say she doesn't know where you are if they asked. See how many days before they start wondering or get worried. It would really depend on your wife keeping a straight face.
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