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What does he like to do, besides computers? Would he enjoy volunteering at an animal shelter? Spring is coming - are there any yard work tasks he can do to earn some money in the neighborhood?
What does he do within the family? Does he help prepare meals? Help clean up afterward? Does he have any siblings?
Thank you for your input. I’ll take all of this in consideration. Things are opening back up here. We are full time face to face. He is waitlisted for flag football and we are going to try a youth group.
Sign him up for scouts. Check out the area troops and find one that goes camping, hiking, or something once a month. That will get him out in the fresh air, doing something with others under supervision. If he said scouts are nerds, remind him that these are nerds who go climbing and rappelling, wilderness biking, orienteering, canoeing, etc. Make him at least give it a try for 6 months.
Our son gained multiple skills and enormous confidence from being in his troop. We took a student trip to Europe. He got left behind in the hotel in Paris. No matter - he used his scout skills to find his way, via the Paris subway, to our restaurant in Montmartre. You should have seen the other kids' faces when he walked in the door.
Oh lawd!! He goes to scouts already! Some of y’all act like he’s gonna die without electronics! He’s been one whole day without his gaming laptop and guess what? He’s been more social, polite, and he’s doing his damn homework. Sometimes you gotta make the unpopular decision and discipline. I don’t want a 28 year old man child living in my house because he couldn’t be bothered to get up from his computer and take care of his responsibilities. Y’all parent how y’all want and I’ll take back asking this forum for advice. Geez.
I have posted here before about the same topic. My 13 year old son is not interested in getting out and making friends. We moved right at the start of COVID and it has been really difficult here for him. I feel extremely guilty because the we had just moved a a year and a half prior and he was finally readjusted and making friends at the old place. We moved here because of a job. He is such a great kid, quirky, funny and smart but he has social anxiety and will not reach out to anyone. He does like scouts, but he is mostly into video games and will spend all of his time doing that. I just recently took the computer away. How long before he gets bored enough to want to get out of the house and make friends, get into a sport, etc. He told me that he feels isolated at school because his school is cliquish, which I hate for him. I just don't know what to do for him. I want to fix it for him because I feel so guilty about moving us. Help!
I hate offering advice to someone I don't know. It may do more harm than good. So, first a big caveat: You know your son better than I ever will. Do what is best for your son.
But your son sounds a lot like me at thirteen. It sounds like your son might be an Introvert. We introverts don't need the constant socializing and activity that extroverts do. It actually adds to our stress and overall anxiety. We need friends, but honestly, most of us prefer to have a very small circle or even one close friend than a whole social clan. We prefer intimacy in relationships. But we also need our alone time to decompress and recharge.
Sitting in front of video games all day is bad for anyone. True that. But not every kid is sporty. And even some kids who like sports don't really like the team sports, but excel at things like track or cross country. If your son doesn't want to play sports, don't force it. My sporty dad forced me to play sports as a kid, and it not only soured our relationship, but it ingrained in me a lifelong hatred of team sports.
Anyway, all that to say I think the best thing you could do is listen to your son. Let him know that a life spent playing video games is bad for him. Too much of that is bad for the psyche, bad for the eyes, bad for the brain. In moderation, it's fun. But he does need to learn to live in the world. If he doesn't want to do a sport or Scouts, what would he like to do?
Things he might be more interested in ...
Photography
A creative writing class
A drawing or painting or computer drafting class
Learning to play an instrument
Non-team sports: biking, swimming, running, boxing, martial arts
Non-group outdoor activities: Hiking, kayaking, fishing, bird watching
A new language class
Let your son let you know where his interests lie and get him involved. Chances are good that he'll meet someone there who shares his interests and a friendship might develop. We introverts tend to make friends based on shared interests, not because we enjoy groups of people. Actually, we hate groups of people. Our brains just don't relate to others that way.
Oh lawd!! He goes to scouts already! Some of y’all act like he’s gonna die without electronics! He’s been one whole day without his gaming laptop and guess what? He’s been more social, polite, and he’s doing his damn homework. Sometimes you gotta make the unpopular decision and discipline. I don’t want a 28 year old man child living in my house because he couldn’t be bothered to get up from his computer and take care of his responsibilities. Y’all parent how y’all want and I’ll take back asking this forum for advice. Geez.
Or, if he actually likes his laptop, why not actually get him involved in activities with tech? Sign him up for a coding camp, something to do with robotics, etc. An interest in computers and tech can help people have great careers and earn a lot of money.
There is nothing wrong with people suggesting scouts. You acted like he did absolutely nothing in your OP and assume everyone in this board knows about your local situation and schooling. We only know what you tell us here.
I took his computer away because of his smart mouth and bad grades. He says he just doesn’t feel like doing his work. I feel like we have been enabling him too much with the internet and really understanding with COVID. He is seeing a counselor for anxiety. He has been really disrespectful towards me and I won’t reward that behavior.
I can understand. Been there many years ago.
Computer is one of the few ways left to punish him. Not like you can do what experts say and put him in a corner for time out.
But you need to balance things. Otherwise you increase the anxiety. And some social interaction online is better than none.
And even if he is forced to go out and find friend. A lot of time they are not there to be found. They also spend most of their time on a computer.
You need to fine someway to limit the time on a PC. Maybe you set a password. And agree to a set amount of time.
And you take away or add time based on behavior. But allow at least an hour a day.
Also agree with the church idea. Usually those kids welcome others more.
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