Mother of my kids eavesdropping on my phonecalls (custody, ideas, teenager)
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Whenever I call my sons, the mother of my kids puts me on speaker phone and eavesdrop on our conversation.
I know it for a fact because both my sons can hear me and talk to me at the same time. If I ask them if I am on speaker phone, they both answer 'no' in unison...lol, that kind gives it away. The mother also intervenes everynow and them during calls. I can hear her mumbling in the back, instructing my kids.
It does bother me a little but I am not calling a high ranking politician. What secret information does she think we are sharing? My conversations with my sons are pretty basic and straightforward so if she wants to listen to them, I don't really much care.
What bothers me is the effect it might have on my sons, especially about trust. They will surely remember that behavior from her when they are teenager. It's kinda sad one parent tells her kids to lie to the other parent.
It makes phone calls weird because we all know what's happening but we all have to pretend she's not there. It's super cringy and unnatural to talk in these circumstances. It feels like we are auditioning for her.
I know she's trying to get a reaction out of me. But she's been ordered by the court many times to stop doing that and she keeps doing it.
I don't know if I should write her, but I feel like it's a giant waste of time since she won't even obey a court order. Why would she listen to me, whom she despises?
I think I am reacting the right way but if you have any alternative ideas, I am all ears
How old are the kids? It seems she is insecure about many things and might be afraid you will say something she wouldn't approve of or afraid you will try to groom them away from her. Once they are old enough for cell phones the issue will resolve itself.
Is it possible she is reminding them of things to tell you when you hear her whisper and is listening to the conversation in order to clarify uncertainties if they come up? My son is 11 and sometimes I'll remind him of activities that he's done since the last time his father and he spoke. Also, sometimes my son will phrase things in a way that paints a false picture. Once you get the courts involved you have to make sure that their aren't any misunderstandings and the kids aren't pitting both sides against each other for sport. I don't know her reasons but it's very possible you are looking at this the wrong way.
Is it possible she is reminding them of things to tell you when you hear her whisper and is listening to the conversation in order to clarify uncertainties if they come up? My son is 11 and sometimes I'll remind him of activities that he's done since the last time his father and he spoke. Also, sometimes my son will phrase things in a way that paints a false picture. Once you get the courts involved you have to make sure that their aren't any misunderstandings and the kids aren't pitting both sides against each other for sport. I don't know her reasons but it's very possible you are looking at this the wrong way.
How could I possibly look at this the wrong way? It's clearly inadequate and perverse to spy on a child's phonecalls with its other parent. I suspect you act the same way with your child's father based on what you hinted.
The Court and CPS have intervened because she clearly is just trying to control, spy and manipulate. If my kids say they love me, she will tell them out loud to be 'reasonable' and 'stop saying rubbish'. If I ask something about school, she intervenes and 'whispers' (out loud) what they can and cannot answer. If I ask them if I am on speakerphone, she orders them to lie and they reply no, when I clearly am on speaker. That alone is very weird.
It's not appropriate behavior in any way shape or form to spy on a child's phonecall with his parent, control the narrative and then ask him to lie to his own parent.
If child protection services think it's innappropriate, I think it's established that it's wrong. If you don't see it, I am sorry for you, and your son.
How could I possibly look at this the wrong way? It's clearly inadequate and perverse to spy on a child's phonecalls with its other parent. I suspect you act the same way with your child's father based on what you hinted.
The Court and CPS have intervened because she clearly is just trying to control, spy and manipulate. If my kids say they love me, she will tell them out loud to be 'reasonable' and 'stop saying rubbish'. If I ask something about school, she intervenes and 'whispers' (out loud) what they can and cannot answer. If I ask them if I am on speakerphone, she orders them to lie and they reply no, when I clearly am on speaker. That alone is very weird.
It's not appropriate behavior in any way shape or form to spy on a child's phonecall with his parent, control the narrative and then ask him to lie to his own parent.
If child protection services think it's innappropriate, I think it's established that it's wrong. If you don't see it, I am sorry for you, and your son.
Tape the conversations and take her back to court.
Tape the conversations and take her back to court.
This^^^
Ask for an ad litem for the kids and file for custody. She has already been called out on this so maybe a descent judge will do something to put an end to her bad behavior.
My grands mother did this kind of crap with their half sister and baby daddy. It took about a year but he got custody and she lost visitation due to pulling stunts to interfere with their relationship.
If you have two sons and are calling, I would think putting it on speaker is the most natural way to talk to both of them. She'll hear it, but who cares? What would you be saying that she couldn't hear?
Hubby and I always talk on speaker so as not to exclude each other from conversations. Don't make it weird if it isn't. Don't cause problems with your kids because you don't like their mother.
If you have two sons and are calling, I would think putting it on speaker is the most natural way to talk to both of them. She'll hear it, but who cares? What would you be saying that she couldn't hear?
Hubby and I always talk on speaker so as not to exclude each other from conversations. Don't make it weird if it isn't. Don't cause problems with your kids because you don't like their mother.
According to the OP it is already weird. It also seems like she is causing problems by injecting herself into their phone time and instructing the kids while they are on the phone. Non custodial parents should have the right to unsupervised phone calls with their children.
There were times when my ex would tell the kids something but neglect to tell me and it caused problems. Simple things like changing the time for pick up, etc. Seems like the OPs life is probably easier if his ex listens in.
He can save anything he doesn't want her to hear for in person conversations, can't he?
-If she has been specifically ordered by the judge not to do this...
-And if these little "things" she is trying to control are truly so petty as her telling the children how to answer if you ask about school, or telling them they cannot say they love you...
Then I would absolutely start recording these calls, and take her back in front of the judge. Tell the judge she is still putting the kids on speakerphone, constantly interrupting the conversation, and controlling everything they say. If she denies it, say "I have multiple recordings. Would you like to listen, Your Honor?" I'll bet she turns red as a beet.
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