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Hello all. I normally post in either Texas or Relationships, so this is new to me. I wasn't sure where to put this post, so I thought this might be best.
Here's what happened: I'm 43. My ex-wife and I were married for 14 years. The last two we were separated (I was in the Navy and in Italy, she moved back with her family in California). Because I was in the Navy, I couldn't bring the kids, because if I ever got deployed, there was no one to take care of them. I have three kids (one boy 22 who I adopted, one son 16 and one daughter 15).
I retired about five years ago from the Navy. When I got back to Texas, my ex-wife and I realized we couldn't work out our differences and divorced. At the time, we figured we could go to court, spend lots of money, and let the courts ask them where they wanted to live and abide by that, or simply ask them ourselves and save the lawyer and court costs, so that's what we did. The oldest was going to college in Calif, so that wasn't even an issue. But the younger two finally made a choice they were going to live with their mother. The decision was that where ever they decided, after a school year, if they changed their mind, they could move with the other parent. After the first year, my son (now 16) moved in with me. He has stayed with me for over two years now and apparently has no desire to go back. My daughter came out for the summer, but still wanted to go back with her mom. Then, this last year, she, too, decided to move in with me. It's been a year, school year is over, and she also told her mom she's staying here.
Now... I know they love me or they wouldn't be here. And trust me.. I KNOW how lucky I am, how many fathers really get the children (and by their choice)?
But here's my problem. They go back to visit their mom every summer. I let her pick the dates and let them stay as long as she wants (provided they're back in time for school to start, obviously). When their with me, I make sure they call every weekend, on her birthday, holidays, etc. I make a point to remind them every time I think they should be calling.
But... Father's Day rolled around... and not a call. I don't doubt they love me or they wouldn't have chosen to live with me.. but I'm disappointed and hurt that they didn't even call.
Should I say anything, or am I being immature? Should I let them know when they come back how disappointed I was? Should I say anything to my ex? I'm open to all advice.
I am so sorry. It might have been an oversight though not intentional. You could call them up and mention that yesterday was Father's Day. You have a right to feel bad, especially since you make sure they call her on Mother's Day and other holidays.
But... Father's Day rolled around... and not a call. I don't doubt they love me or they wouldn't have chosen to live with me.. but I'm disappointed and hurt that they didn't even call.
Should I say anything, or am I being immature? Should I let them know when they come back how disappointed I was? Should I say anything to my ex? I'm open to all advice.
Thanks.
I would be hurt too - a phone call takes two seconds.
But rather than lay guilt on them (which no one appreciates) I would say, "Sorry I missed your Fathers Day call - I must have been away from the phone - let's plan a belated celebration when you get back - before school comes back around"
This tells them it is important to you - but it also helps them save face for not calling (teenagers can be pretty self absorbed)
If you know they love you and they otherwise show you affection year round, try not to worry about it too much. Teenagers are notoriously self-centered and Father's Day is a Hallmark Holiday. As you said, you have to remind them to call your ex on holidays--she probably either forgot or was being tacky and didn't remind them.
If you still feel hurt by it when you see them next you should mention it--otherwise, let it go.
I would definitely be hurt! I think you should say something; or they may never know it means to you. I am sure it was an oversight and they feel awful...
My intent in asking them why they didn't call is not to "guilt" them because of my feelings.. but I'm trying to teach a small form of social etiquette. Calling family and friends is important on holidays... and not doing it can make those family and friends feel less important. It's just polite (like calling people to thank them for gifts received after an event).
If you know they love you and they otherwise show you affection year round, try not to worry about it too much. Teenagers are notoriously self-centered and Father's Day is a Hallmark Holiday. As you said, you have to remind them to call your ex on holidays--she probably either forgot or was being tacky and didn't remind them.
If you still feel hurt by it when you see them next you should mention it--otherwise, let it go.
I agree here. While it wasn't terribly thoughtful for them not to call, they are teens. I've got one. Isn't a good excuse, but I doubt they did it intentionally. The fact that they want to live with you most of the time is such a big honor in and of itself that the fact they didn't call you on a Hallmark holiday isn't worth fretting over.
Teens don't pay attention to those types of dates on the calendar. I guarantee you my son wouldn't notice it was Father's Day except for the fact that we talked about it. Even at that, we just don't make those things a big deal around here.
I would feel bad also. But I think I would let it go. I agree that at that age they are in their own little world. My kids have gotten better at remembering Mother's day as they have gotten older. You want them to want to call, but not call out of obligation. Maybe they will hear what other people did or said and think about it.
The idea about saying you were away and must have missed their call isn't a bad idea. If they choose to come and live with you then you are the parent they trust and feel safe with.
When I divorced years ago I saw it as my responsibility to make sure the kids remembered my ex's birthday and father's day.
We made sure the kids didn't feel like they were picking one over the other. We said that you can like everyone for their good qualities. I think it stresses kids out to feel like they are picking sides.
Sounds like you are doing a great job with them.
I like what grasonville said...simple yet kind way to handle it, without hurting feelings, yet a teachable moment
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But I think I would let it go. I agree that at that age they are in their own little world. My kids have gotten better at remembering Mother's day as they have gotten older. You want them to want to call, but not call out of obligation. Maybe they will hear what other people did or said and think about it.
