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[quote=maestramommy;4255152]Well, we haven't left our children yet, and our marriage is great. That said, there are reasons for this. 1) Our children are still very young, 2.5 and 1. 2) I feel guilty about leaving them with my parents because they only did this a couple of times, not for "getting a break", but because they had to. I don't think I could leave them with my MIL either because she seems rather frail to me and I think two little ones would just be too much for her.
I think in the future, when the kids are older and more independent in the areas of self-care, I could see us leaving them with someone trustworthy. I myself have no moral objections to this at all, I think it's perfectly fine. We are just not ready to do it ourselves.
And I think those who slammed you should take a hike. They are in no position to judge someone they don't know.
ETA: should've read all the responses first. Okay, I guess there was technically no slam. Glad all misunderstandings were cleared up.
And to the OP, I think you mentioned some couples you knew that split up after the 2nd baby was born because Dad felt left out. This is just IMO, but I seriously doubt anyone decides to break up their marriage solely because of this. There are usually other more substantial issues going on. And I'm not saying that there won't be times when Dad (or Mom!) does feel left out, or maybe isolated is a better word. All marriages go through down phases due to life change. What keeps them going are two partners who are willing to recognize the pressures and work on them together.[/quote]
I totally agree. What actually happened in at least one instance was that the husband had an affair. Totally for attention, he admitted, but the root of the problem began because the wife was so involved with the children that she had little or no desire to be with her husband "in any way" including the bedroom. In my opinion, he should have been more willing to discuss this with his wife but as so often happens he found a more willing ear at work and "one thing led to another" as so often happens.
My husband and I have been through more than most people go through in their entire lives. We lost our oldest child at age 14, our daughter was molested by my husbands step-father, who is now in prison, and my youngest brother committed suicide. All of this happened within a 3 year time period. I really think that because we have taken care of the "foundation" of our relationship we have been able to weather these storms and stay together. I truly believe that you don't know how strong your relationship really is until it is tested by the hard times. It is easy to stay together when things are good!!!
To answer the questions about marriage stability, we've been married going on 30 years. One child who is now a teen and will soon be heading off to college. Never felt the need to leave him for a weekend anywhere. We found other ways of having couple-time. One thing I feel helped was that we had a ton of couple-time before he was born (we waited nearly 10 years). By the time he showed up, we were well established in our couplehood .
There are people who leave their kids for the weekend, be it with nannies or grannies or other relatives, and still get divorced. There are also those like us, who've never felt the need for a "weekend away sans kid(s)" and have long-time, very stable marriages. I don't there there is necessarily a one-for-one correlation either way.
I agree with Nelly Nomad. I have friends that had children a year after being married and frankly I don't know how their marriage has survived. We had our couple time for 5 years then had children; we have those traveling memories, hotel memories, weekend memories so now we want to be with our kiddos and have new memories with them as a family. Yet, even with our 5 years under our belt, the addition of a baby was a tremendous strain but we got through it. On the other hand, those friends that go on weekends sans kids, leave them with family and we have no family nearby to do that with. I think if we did have that "luxury", maybe we would do things on our own...still, I do not think our marriage is suffering because we can't leave them.
My mother gave me the best advise when I had two small kids. Her advise was there were the two of you before there was the four of you. Don't forget what you had before the kids. Even if we were broke, we lit the candles and had sandwiches as long as we made it romantic.
We are now married 31 years, have two GROWN children and two grandchildren and we still have a great relationship and love to hang out with each other and every conversation we have is not about the children.
To answer the questions about marriage stability, we've been married going on 30 years. One child who is now a teen and will soon be heading off to college. Never felt the need to leave him for a weekend anywhere. We found other ways of having couple-time. One thing I feel helped was that we had a ton of couple-time before he was born (we waited nearly 10 years). By the time he showed up, we were well established in our couplehood .
There are people who leave their kids for the weekend, be it with nannies or grannies or other relatives, and still get divorced. There are also those like us, who've never felt the need for a "weekend away sans kid(s)" and have long-time, very stable marriages. I don't there there is necessarily a one-for-one correlation either way.
I think this is unfair to grandparents and grandchildren. I think that the memories children make by spending time with grandparents last a lifetime and are precious to them. By refusing to share your children's time with these special people in your children's life you are cheating them of the chance to have those wonderful memories and this special relationship.
I agree with Nelly Nomad. I have friends that had children a year after being married and frankly I don't know how their marriage has survived. We had our couple time for 5 years then had children; we have those traveling memories, hotel memories, weekend memories so now we want to be with our kiddos and have new memories with them as a family. Yet, even with our 5 years under our belt, the addition of a baby was a tremendous strain but we got through it. On the other hand, those friends that go on weekends sans kids, leave them with family and we have no family nearby to do that with. I think if we did have that "luxury", maybe we would do things on our own...still, I do not think our marriage is suffering because we can't leave them.
We had our first child within a year after we were married & my dh was deployed to Iraq for a year when our 1st born was 3 weeks old.
We knew each other for some time prior to getting married but we were in the military which puts a unique "twist" on marriage. I was in Korea for the year prior to our wedding.
After he returned from Iraq, we were 1200 miles away from any family support so getting any alone time was zilch. We did not feel comfortable leaving our 1yr old with a babysitter, especially since no family was remotely nearby in case of emergency, etc.
We've figured out how to make the time with the kids around. Right now, we have our coffee time in the morning for about 10-15 mins. When the kids are napping on the weekends, we usually just go outside & walk around our property & sometimes not even talking. We send emails to each other during the day.
We are very close to our young children & we love doing things together as a family. When we do get a date night, it is really, really great. But, yet, we also cherish this time when things such as ice cream, licorice, and pushing him on the swing bring a smile to our child's face...this will all go by so quickly and before we now it, we will have all the time in the world to do "couple" stuff.
At times, I do wish we would have waited & been able to travel & go out more. But, we made our choice & we were well aware of what that entailed. It can be tough never getting alone time when you have young ones & there are some nights I just wish my dh & I could go to a hotel room & just have some peace & quiet & sleep...but, a few hours later we'd be missing our sons....
I think it's important couples just remember each other & take care of each other. How that is done is up to each couple.
I think this is unfair to grandparents and grandchildren. I think that the memories children make by spending time with grandparents last a lifetime and are precious to them. By refusing to share your children's time with these special people in your children's life you are cheating them of the chance to have those wonderful memories and this special relationship.
This isn't unfair at all to grandparents. I have many, many fond memories of my grandparents and I only stayed one weekend a year for about 5 years. (and that was only with one set). Actually, I get pretty upset over the issue of "grandparent rights." But I shall not go into them now.
My husband and I have only left my oldest son (5y.o. now) for four nights. Once on our wedding night, two nights in a row on our 1st anniversery, and one other night (and never my youngest who is 20 mo. and still nursing). Actually, because of jobs, we are often apart. But our marriage is rock solid. What your marriage needs depends more upon the two people, not the children and broadbased advice.
What we do need to do for ourselves is keep parenting talk as objective as possible. Parents need to feel supported whether they need time to themselves or if they need to stay with their children all the time. Both can be okay. Oh, and those that have a choice between the two should feel blessed!
Traditional marriage vows say, "Forsaking all others"
It does not say, "Except for your kids, your mom, the dog you had before you two met, your best friend, etc"
If you choose to have kids, then naturally, their needs should come before your own. BUT you don't want to look at your spouse the day the kids move out and say, "Hey... I remember you!"
Y'all know what I mean.
This kind of thing happens in military marriages all the time. The service member spends 20-30 years putting his career ahead of his family. The spouse spends their time with the kids and finding other friends. The service member gets out and the spouse realizes the other person has been nothing but a paycheck and benefits and doesn't even like them anymore. And so they file for divorce and the service member is shocked, thinking they did it all for their family and never really understands.
That said, we've never left our kids alone for the weekend (5 and 8). I'm not completely comfortable with it yet, but I think I'm getting there. They were supposed to spend some time with our parents alone this summer, but the kids asked to wait another year and we (us and our parents) all agree that if the kids aren't ready, it could be bad for all of us.
We had our first child within a year after we were married & my dh was deployed to Iraq for a year when our 1st born was 3 weeks old.
We knew each other for some time prior to getting married but we were in the military which puts a unique "twist" on marriage. I was in Korea for the year prior to our wedding.
After he returned from Iraq, we were 1200 miles away from any family support so getting any alone time was zilch. We did not feel comfortable leaving our 1yr old with a babysitter, especially since no family was remotely nearby in case of emergency, etc.
We've figured out how to make the time with the kids around. Right now, we have our coffee time in the morning for about 10-15 mins. When the kids are napping on the weekends, we usually just go outside & walk around our property & sometimes not even talking. We send emails to each other during the day.
We are very close to our young children & we love doing things together as a family. When we do get a date night, it is really, really great. But, yet, we also cherish this time when things such as ice cream, licorice, and pushing him on the swing bring a smile to our child's face...this will all go by so quickly and before we now it, we will have all the time in the world to do "couple" stuff.
At times, I do wish we would have waited & been able to travel & go out more. But, we made our choice & we were well aware of what that entailed. It can be tough never getting alone time when you have young ones & there are some nights I just wish my dh & I could go to a hotel room & just have some peace & quiet & sleep...but, a few hours later we'd be missing our sons....
I think it's important couples just remember each other & take care of each other. How that is done is up to each couple.
I couldn't agree with you more! We found out we were pregnant one month after we anounced we were getting married (I guess we did both at the same time). Even though it wouldn't have been great to spend more time together before children (we did have three years as a live-in couple, though) and it would have been a lot easier on the career (we move around alot), we will have more and more time as the children get older (I'm looking forward to sleepovers). Meanwhile, we always say "I love you", we talk about any problems or even non-problems, kiss every night before we go to sleep, and most importantly (for us), we play cribbage every night after the boys go to bed! Its our time, where we can talk, or tease, or just play the game. I know this lifestyle wouldn't work for everyone, but it does for us.
I think this is unfair to grandparents and grandchildren. I think that the memories children make by spending time with grandparents last a lifetime and are precious to them. By refusing to share your children's time with these special people in your children's life you are cheating them of the chance to have those wonderful memories and this special relationship.
In some cases, grannies are not capable of taking care of kids. They may be infirm, they may be impaired, they may even, in some cases, be just horrible people.
In our specific case, the grannies were all well over 1000 miles away and all located in different states. We went to visit them or they came to visit us. Because of age and/or infirmities (and in one case, because of temperament), these folks would not have made good caretakers for an infant, a baby, a toddler or even a pre-schooler. They had plenty of interaction (well, as much as one can have during short visits) but, trust me, it would have been irresponsible of DH and I to have left our child with them for any extended period of time.
At no time did we "refuse to share our child's time" with them. It just had to be on our terms because, bottom line, we are the ones ultimately responsible for his well being.
I certainly hope, if my son decides to become a parent, that DH and I will be competent to care for his child(ren)). But I trust him and his future wife to make the right decision when the time comes. And that right decision has to be what is in the best interest of their child(ren), not what will make DH and me happy.
I had a honeymoon baby... becoming pregnant a month after I got married... We were together for one year before our wedding day... my hubby swept me right off my feet and we ran for the alter... but that didn't leave a lot of alone time for us when our family of two became three. We were thrilled, scared, and all of a sudden exhausted. We were YOUNG newlyweds and shouldn't be THAT tired and homebound not even a year after the day of our wedding. The grandparents have been playing a VERY active role in our childrens lives since the day my oldest was born. My mother and father were taking her over night from the time she was an infant. We were able to, and still are to this day, go out on dates at least twice a month. My husbands family is also involved and actually gets upset if they don't get a day with the kids to themselves... they see it as their right and demand the time... HEY I am NOT complaining! It gives my husband and myself alone time, without having to worry about the kids for several hours. And YES we have been on vacation to several places- once for a 5 days to Vegas, a couple of times we took weekend/overnight stays... it is important to do these things and remember WHY you are a couple... remember who you are without the TITLE of MOM or DAD... but HUSBAND and WIFE. My parents are actually taking my kids on vacation with them in two weeks... and my hubby and I are looking forward to our little minivacation and catching up on the Two of US... Go for it... take a vacation... you deserve it!
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Go for it... take a vacation... you deserve it!
