Teen-not sure what to believe/do

[Laura707]

He could just be testing the boundries. My middle son use to do that all the time. He would test the boundries with everybody and if anyone moved the boundries and let him do what he wanted, he never respected that person anymore. Rather it be a teacher, a friend, a friends parent... anyone! He HAS to learn you mean what you say and the consequences have to be immediate and consistant. That cell phone should have been taken away immediately for say a month and he have to earn it back. The rules were set when you gave it to him, he was testing the rules.. There should be no more "next time" and always be consistant. Never set a rule that you are not going to enforce and always, always follow through with what you tell him.

Also, you said his mother always gave in so that will take some getting use to for him. Once he learns you WILL follow through with the consequences, he will love and respect you more. They need those boundries to make them feel safe and loved. My sister's kids use to say all the time "yea, I can do that! My Mama don't care!".. she gave in to anything they wanted to do no matter how crazy or dangerous it was, they never had ANY boundries. You don't even want to know how they turned out as adults. Point being, they associate rules/consequences with being loved and cared about. You CARE enough to follow through with the consequences.

[ElizaTeal]

You need to set the boundaries with this child. Please tell him what is acceptable and what is not. Explain the consequences as well. Biggest parenting faux pas is lack of follow though. If you don't enforce your rules consistantly, you're the one to blame not the child. Plan on this kid pushing your buttons and be ready to act. Don't allow him to get away with something because you feel sorry for him. Good luck.

[akck]

Our third son said the first rule in being a teen is to never admit to anything. When in doubt, deny, deny, deny. There were times we had the edivence in hand and he still denied it. Our three oldest sons are only now telling us about some of the things they did. There are other thing they did that they say they'll have to be a lot older before they tell us.

So while the denying and "borrowing" should be of concern, they are not totally out of the ordinary. Continue to do what parents do. There have been several good suggestions on actions to take so far. If you catch him, call him on it and enact the appropriate penality. The main thing is to treat him like family, both the good and what he might consider bad (punishment for wrong actions).

[momtothree]

We the assessment with teh counseling and will set up a regular appointment for individual and family counseling. I know some said here not to overanalyze but I think he can benefit as he has alot of changes happen in a very short time and drastic ones at that. I will however keep a close eye to make sure the counseling is beneficial.

To answer some posts here, hubby does do things with him. Everyday they work out at the local Y as brother expressed that he feels he is overweight and wants to be on the football team. Dh is already a workout nut and is delighted to have a "workout" buddy. LOL

We have a basketball hoop and they play one and one alot as well. We as a family do alot of outdoor activities like hiking etc. So he is loving all this.

We did a family chores and punishment chart. We outlined clearly and what dates/times we want certain things done etc. We divided up the chores among my older daughter and brother. They have at most 15 minutes of daily chores. And on the weekend it is their room chores. We also clearly stated punishment for if the chores aren't done etc.

I was able to block the internet from his phone. We didn't bring it up again but he is doing "extra" chores to "pay" off the internet charges.

Thanks for all the great tips/advice in this thread!

[beckycat]

Originally Posted by momtothree

I recently took in a 14 year old family member. He is a nice kid and very similar to us in personality. Meaning he is fun and outgoing how we are. My two girls, ages 3 and 8 are fine with him in the home. He started his new school and is a honors student. My husband who is actually his direct family, of course loves him and gets along with him fine. Let's say his name is Bob for the post.

Me being a new mom to a teen is trying to adjust and be understanding. A few incidents popped up and I am trying to see what they are. Typical teen things or something I should look into. And how to handle them. I need advice from other moms of teen boys!

Incident one: My daughter's DS game went missing. This is a game that is ALWAYS in her gameboy. She never takes it out. She only uses the DS to play that particular game. So when she tried to play it and it was gone, she asked me what happened to it. Husband and I looked all over the house. Bob was sitting at the computer listening to all this but didn't say a word. Dh asked him if he borrowed it? Bob said no. Daughter was heartbroken as she saved up her allowance for this not cheap game. We all kind of went back to what we were doing when I hear Bob in the other room call daughter down. Bob told her to look one more time all over. Daughter did so and found the game. Where? In the original place we keep her ds. Daughter, husband and I looked in there and this was empty. There was no way the game could have been missed by all three of us. Husband asked again to Bob if he borrowed this. Bob said no.

Incident two: We bought him a new cellphone. He had one before and I know his mom had issues with him downloading things. Knowing this, husband and I both told him clearly that no downloading is allowed nor the internet. We have several computers and he is welcome to them. He said alright. I just got a bill and it stated $54 in internet use. He only had the phone for 10 days at that point. Livid, husband called Bob in and Bon denied it. We showed him the usage linked with his number and the dates and times he used it. Bob said nope, not him. He is new to this town so he doesn't have friends that would have done this. My daughter has her own phone and wouldn't use his not that Bob let's go of his either. So it could ONLY be Bob. He won't admit it. Husband is making him do chores to "work" it off. He told Bob once more this happens, the phone gets taken away.

I have other small incidents but I don't want this post to turn into a book! I guess what bothers me, is that in all the incidents that we "catch" him in, he never ever admits wrongdoing/lying. Ever. When pushed he gets angry and says it is the "company" mistake etc. Not ever him.

Is this typical teen behaviour not to admite wrongdoing? I am so used to my girls who involuntarily blurt out the truth at the first stern look from me. LOL Help? What punishment is suitable or creative that works for teens?

First of all, you can call the cell phone company and put a block on the internet/texting. That way, he can't use it. Everything sounds oh so familiar to me about my daugheter. They lie about things and never admit to it. They keep saying that's not true, even when you have solid evidence. Punishment on my part is to take the cell phone and car away. I don't know what is important to him, but take it away. (XBOX, phone) I have to say I don't even know if that works, b/c my daughter continues to lie. Your not alone and it's very frustrating and you wish they would just cut it out!