Is it possible to NOT love your own children? (stepmother, divorced, support)
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I have wondered this quesiton for YEARS. It's not about me and my kids; I love them and cherish them dearly...it's about my folks. I'm 37, married, have kids of my own. However, my father, who divorced my mother when I was 13 or 14 has a "new family". There are 3 step children that he seems to care about more than his OWN 3. It's been this way for so many years, and while I try to tell myself that it's his problem, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with us. We live about 20 minutes from my dad and his wife (who by the way might just be the meanest, crotchetiest woman on the planet). We last saw them in July. We go to their house often, only when they are out of town because they want us to feed their animals; my children have asked, "why does papa only have us over when he's not here?"
Ok, so this weekend, they are in North Carolina visiting my step sister (who my dad dotes all over) and she's blasting their visit all over Facebook and talking about how awesome grandma and grandpa are, taking her kids to school and breakfast. My dad, who lives 20 mins. from his grandchildren (his biological grandchildren) has NEVER been to their school...before anyone asks, Yes, he has been invited, for the graduations, the grandparent's days, etc. Never shown up. So they (my dad and his wife-the step mother) have been going to NC to visit my stepsister upwards of 3-4 times a year, and have NEVER even step foot in my home. Yes, they've been invited. But they are too busy or don't want to come. It's so painful, even to this day, even after I've lived through this blatant favoritism towards his stepchildren for the past 20+ years.
My best friend had to ask him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding...he wasn't gonna. BUT he read scripture and bawled and had a first dance with my stepsister at hers. Just the other day my stepsister informed me that my dad doesn't want to know what we're having (we're expecting in Feb) because he thinks it's stupid to find out what you're having beforehand. As luck would have it, my stepsister is due with her 4th a week before I am. Of course, she NEVER finds out what she's having....that would just be silly. So needless to say my father won't be around to see another grandchild being brought into the world because he again will be in North Carolina.
Ok, we have NO support system. My husband's mother is passed, his father is an absent alcoholic. My mother lives about 3 hours away and we don't see her-she's pretty absent and busy with her life. So my dad is really our only lifeline. Problem is....my kids adore him, but they know that if my stepsister's kids are around, they come first.
So is it really possible to feel almost nothing for your own children but love children that aren't yours? I have driven myself nuts trying to understand this situation and I absolutely cannot get my head around it. Yes, I've tried to talk to him about it but he shuts me out, closes the subject. My stepsister is part of an MLM and he thinks she's the brightest light in the harbor and goes on and on about how I should join her company and drink her kool aid.
I don't know what to do...I keep saying I'm going to just let it go and forgetaboutit, but the darned truth is it HURTS. It hurts like hell, and now, well, my kids are hurting too.
I am so very sorry for your situation. It's baffling how something like this happens. If his wife is crotchety and mean, could he be doting over her children because they don't get love from her? Does he not bond with you and yours because he feels like you/they already HAVE a stable life? Regardless of the situation, it's wrong of him to neglect his own flesh and blood in favor of someone else's children. Again, my heart goes out to you. That puts you in such a difficult situation with your own children. Believe me, DH and I have dealt with a similar situation with our own families....I feel your pain. We always explained it to our kids this way, "Grandma/Grandpa, does more for them, than they do you, because WE do so much for you. They simply want to try to make those kids feel as loved and wanted as you are to us. Maybe they just feel sorry for them. Grandparents sometimes feel like they have to make things better for young people and they don't see how they could make your lives any better by doing for you/us, cuz we're doing okay on our own. Please don't be hurt....just take it as a compliment."
I wish that were the case here. My stepmother thinks her children are absolutely perfect and has told my dad that my sister and my brother (whom she doesn't care for) are never allowed to step foot in her house again. She used some choice words, but here we are in a public forum.
My brother hasn't spoken to my dad in years, and I think my sister only talks to him through email occasionally. He visited them last year but that's about it. They don't have children, so they don't really understand the situation with the grandchildren, but the know about it and it really makes them angry, too.
I really wonder what makes someone "choose" another family over their own. I am an intelligent person, but can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me and my kids.
I wish that were the case here. My stepmother thinks her children are absolutely perfect and has told my dad that my sister and my brother (whom she doesn't care for) are never allowed to step foot in her house again. She used some choice words, but here we are in a public forum.
My brother hasn't spoken to my dad in years, and I think my sister only talks to him through email occasionally. He visited them last year but that's about it. They don't have children, so they don't really understand the situation with the grandchildren, but the know about it and it really makes them angry, too.
I really wonder what makes someone "choose" another family over their own. I am an intelligent person, but can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me and my kids.
I'm very sorry for this situation. It would hurt for sure. ((hugs)) I think you likely KNOW deep down, however, that this is HIS problem, not yours or yoiur brother or sister's. I would advise you to realize this, forgive him for it, and try not to let it create bitterness in your life about it. That's tough, I know. Sounds like you've tried to discuss it with him. I would also advise you get a copy of an old book written by Joyce Landorf entitled Irregular People. (You could order it from amazon.) http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_no...dorf&x=15&y=18 I think very likely you are dealing with someone that she refers to as an "irregular person." I highly recommend reading this book if you have such an individual in your life. I totally wish we could make others behave or not behave in a certain way, but ultimately the only one we can change is ourselves if they don't wish to change.
Not really much advice to offer other than this is his problem, not yours. The one thing I will assume is that the step kids lived with him and his new wife, while you and your siblings lived with your mom. It could be he just feels he has a deeper bond with them and a more direct hand in making them the people they are. Unfortunately it seems that a lot of people who remarry (especially men) project the negativity they feel towards their ex-spouse onto the children from that marriage, almost as if the kids are a constant reminder of a mistake they feel they made. I know that isn't an answer or comforting in the least, but it may be part of a reason.
Edit to add: I don't feel it's possible to not love your children, but it is possible to not love the people they are or have grown to be.
that's horrible. it reminds me of the relationship between my mother-in-law and her father, my wife's maternal grandfather. my m-i-l and my wife cut off all ties with him. he lives 30 minutes away but he might as well be on the moon. the guy you're describing, your father, is selfish and mean and it has nothing to do with you. for you, the wound will become a scar, but for your kids you have the opportunity to prevent it altogether. that is what my m-i-l did for my wife and it was absolutely for the best.
you've also revealed a difficult side of facebook. you don't need that information and aggravation in your life, it doesn't help and just causes bitterness. i would defriend these people.
I really wonder what makes someone "choose" another family over their own. I am an intelligent person, but can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me and my kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT
Unfortunately it seems that a lot of people who remarry (especially men) project the negativity they feel towards their ex-spouse onto the children from that marriage, almost as if the kids are a constant reminder of a mistake they feel they made.
I also think NYGOAT may be right about the "why," though it's unfortunate.
I'm very sorry for this situation. It would hurt for sure. ((hugs)) I think you likely KNOW deep down, however, that this is HIS problem, not yours or your brother or sister's. I would advise you to realize this, forgive him for it, and try not to let it create bitterness in your life about it. That's tough, I know. Sounds like you've tried to discuss it with him. I would also advise you get a copy of an old book written by Joyce Landorf entitled Irregular People. (You could order it from amazon.) Amazon.com: Irregular people+joyce landorf I think very likely you are dealing with someone that she refers to as an "irregular person." I highly recommend reading this book if you have such an individual in your life. I totally wish we could make others behave or not behave in a certain way, but ultimately the only one we can change is ourselves if they don't wish to change.
I have wondered this quesiton for YEARS. It's not about me and my kids; I love them and cherish them dearly...it's about my folks. I'm 37, married, have kids of my own. However, my father, who divorced my mother when I was 13 or 14 has a "new family". There are 3 step children that he seems to care about more than his OWN 3. It's been this way for so many years, and while I try to tell myself that it's his problem, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with us. We live about 20 minutes from my dad and his wife (who by the way might just be the meanest, crotchetiest woman on the planet). We last saw them in July. We go to their house often, only when they are out of town because they want us to feed their animals; my children have asked, "why does papa only have us over when he's not here?"
Ok, so this weekend, they are in North Carolina visiting my step sister (who my dad dotes all over) and she's blasting their visit all over Facebook and talking about how awesome grandma and grandpa are, taking her kids to school and breakfast. My dad, who lives 20 mins. from his grandchildren (his biological grandchildren) has NEVER been to their school...before anyone asks, Yes, he has been invited, for the graduations, the grandparent's days, etc. Never shown up. So they (my dad and his wife-the step mother) have been going to NC to visit my stepsister upwards of 3-4 times a year, and have NEVER even step foot in my home. Yes, they've been invited. But they are too busy or don't want to come. It's so painful, even to this day, even after I've lived through this blatant favoritism towards his stepchildren for the past 20+ years.
My best friend had to ask him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding...he wasn't gonna. BUT he read scripture and bawled and had a first dance with my stepsister at hers. Just the other day my stepsister informed me that my dad doesn't want to know what we're having (we're expecting in Feb) because he thinks it's stupid to find out what you're having beforehand. As luck would have it, my stepsister is due with her 4th a week before I am. Of course, she NEVER finds out what she's having....that would just be silly. So needless to say my father won't be around to see another grandchild being brought into the world because he again will be in North Carolina.
Ok, we have NO support system. My husband's mother is passed, his father is an absent alcoholic. My mother lives about 3 hours away and we don't see her-she's pretty absent and busy with her life. So my dad is really our only lifeline. Problem is....my kids adore him, but they know that if my stepsister's kids are around, they come first.
So is it really possible to feel almost nothing for your own children but love children that aren't yours? I have driven myself nuts trying to understand this situation and I absolutely cannot get my head around it. Yes, I've tried to talk to him about it but he shuts me out, closes the subject. My stepsister is part of an MLM and he thinks she's the brightest light in the harbor and goes on and on about how I should join her company and drink her kool aid.
I don't know what to do...I keep saying I'm going to just let it go and forgetaboutit, but the darned truth is it HURTS. It hurts like hell, and now, well, my kids are hurting too.
Carefully reread that last sentence. Your answer is there.
Only YOU can protect them.
Do not make them endure one more moment of this drama.
Move on
You can only change yourself
I have two sisters with children who my mother did everything for.
Ignored mine, fast forward 15 years and suddenly she is calling, ect. Mine just said "sorry I do no know who you are".
They are happy and well adjusted because I solved what was MY problem and did not make it theirs.
Good luck.
Not really much advice to offer other than this is his problem, not yours. The one thing I will assume is that the step kids lived with him and his new wife, while you and your siblings lived with your mom. It could be he just feels he has a deeper bond with them and a more direct hand in making them the people they are. Unfortunately it seems that a lot of people who remarry (especially men) project the negativity they feel towards their ex-spouse onto the children from that marriage, almost as if the kids are a constant reminder of a mistake they feel they made. I know that isn't an answer or comforting in the least, but it may be part of a reason.
Edit to add: I don't feel it's possible to not love your children, but it is possible to not love the people they are or have grown to be.
The step kids are older, but one is EXACTLY my age. My mother threw me out when I was 15, so I HAD to live with him and her...so we are the same age.
He was hanging out with her before my parents divorced...I'd hear about him showing up at her track meets. Imagine that...hearing as a 12 year old that your dad is at another girl's track meet.
The step kids are older, but one is EXACTLY my age. My mother threw me out when I was 15, so I HAD to live with him and her...so we are the same age.
He was hanging out with her before my parents divorced...I'd hear about him showing up at her track meets. Imagine that...hearing as a 12 year old that your dad is at another girl's track meet.
By everything you are describing he sounds like a jerk, plain and simple. As others have counseled, you may be better off just severing the tie altogether. What may pain you for many years (already has) does not have to be that way for your children. What's a better outcome for your kids. We never really knew my mom's dad because he and my mom didn't get along and we didn't see him, or my mom's dad is a complete jerk and never loved us as much as his other grandkids.
One ends the issue at your generation, the other continues it onto the next.
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