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I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months. She has a 2.5 year old boy and a 3.5 year old boy whose father passed away not long after the 2.5 year old was born. The boys are great, sweet, and fun. She's an outstanding mother and an incredible person. I love all three of them very much. She's been outstanding in involving me in parenting decisions and sort of coaching me along (I don't have kids and have jumped right in). We're very happy. The boys love me, I love them and we function as a little family.
Here's the issue:
The 3.5 year old has grown a little more demanding over the past few months. From what I understand, this isn't uncommon. She admittedly spoils them more than I would wager a typical parent spoils their child, but it's hard not to understand why (not easy losing a father at such a young age). I'm starting to feel that this is starting to bite her in the butt with the older boy. He demands things with a sense of entitlement and if he can't have it (i.e. chocolate milk and we're out of chocolate), he throws a tantrum. She usually gives him what he asks for. We've worked on please and he's gotten pretty good at it. She's even been pretty good about only giving him what he asks for if he "earns it" by behaving and doing what he's told. She's a little more lenient on him than I would be sometimes, but I think she's doing a great job and given the history, I can't blame her.
The big problem is at night. He doesn't like going to bed. Like most toddlers. He calls for mommy every few minutes at first and every hour or so throughout the night. He asks for the most ridiculous things and has some pretty wild demands. At first, mom would go in every time he asked for something. After some time, she got frustrated and started to go more intermittently, but still wouldn't just ignore him. It's at the point where she and I are both frustrated because we aren't getting enough sleep. We've spoken to the pediatrician and read a lot online about how to handle these scenarios (which are very common).
The general consensus is to make sure they have everything they need when its time to go to bed, kiss them goodnight, say I'm not coming in until the morning (or something along those lines) because I'm going to sleep too, and then go. If/when they call, say "goodnight" the first time or two, but don't go in. After that, ignore the calling. Ignore it even if they throw a complete tantrum. Just let them get it out. Eventually, they'll stop calling out if they know they're not going in.
She can't do it. What's worse is that she tries and then fails. So we'll go a few calls into it and when he starts to yell "Mom! Come in my room!" she goes in yells at him, tells him she's not going in again, threatens to take his night light if he keeps calling, and leaves. Then she'll do it all over again a half hour later. Empty threat, and still going in the room.
I'm floored because it's clearly frustration on her part that causes her reaction. It's not her normal parenting style. She can be firm, but she doesn't normally yell. What's worse is that it's reinforcing the notion for the child that acting out gets you what you want. He's not bothered by her yelling, he got mommy in the room and that's what he wanted. The empty threats really take away any leverage for discipline. He knows mommy is coming in if he screams and he knows there are no consequences.
The thing is, she bartends three nights per week and isn't home until 2-3am. I am with the kids those nights. I have practiced being firm on my own with much success. They're in bed at 9, kisses goodnight and they go right to sleep. I nipped the calling out thing in the bud pretty quickly (a few "good nights", a couple of tantrums and he doesn't do it when it's just me anymore) and it worked. However, once she gets home, it starts right up. He knows he'll get his way with mom and he takes advantage like any 3.5 year old would.
It's frustrating because I'm not sleeping. It's frustrating because she's aggravated. It's frustrating becasue I think the way she handles it is actually counter productive, not just ineffective. It's frustrating because I KNOW how the problem can be solved, but I'm afraid to bring it up. I just don't know how (or even if) I should say anything. We're great together, but they're still not my kids. I don't feel comfortable saying anything to her because I think she knows what she has to do but she can't bring herself to do it. The problem is that I think it's bad for the child and it's certainly growing to be a frustrating issue in our relationship.
No, you cannot speak up. What you can do is model what works for you on a night that she isn't working. Tell her to enjoy a nice long bath, and you put the boys to bed. If they call out, mom can't come, she's in the tub. Let her see how differently the kids are when they understand you won't be back in. Hopefully, she'll follow your example.
See, with my son (also 3), I don't have any trouble with him, but he gives his mom heck sometimes bc mommy is different. It is like that with all his little friends, too. Give mom heck, give other parent your angel face obedience.
So a. T'ain't your place to say anything and
b. What works for you may not work for her anyway bc the dynamic is different.
OP, you sound like a great boyfriend. Props to you for taking on a relationship other single people might not, and accepting your gf's kids. That can be tough going indeed. I have no advice to offer, having had no experience as a parent, nor being a significant other to a mother or a father, but I just wanted to congratulate you.
If you are caring for this child, then I think you are in a position to discuss this, or any other concerns. You aren't someone who stops by occasionally, you are caring for these children.
Having said that, I think the approach of 'all or nothing' is counter-productive. In a tired parent's mind, going to bed is the end of a long day, and when it isn't easily done with a quick good night, there is frustration. So out come the requests until even sometimes a kid doesn't know how/when to stop and the whole process is fraught with upsets, delays, and even more tired adults and kids.
I would say, find a happy medium. Create a routine that involves a little more interaction before he goes to bed. It can be a story to be read to him, or some quiet time together. I did this with my twins and never had sleep battles with them. They knew their routine was just a quiet end to their day. It doesn't mean rambunctious play or running in and out of the room, but a very quiet time before sleep. We did most of this with the lights off or very low. Let him know you will be with him before bed and the urge to 'fight for more' on his part will probably decrease over time. GL!
OP, you sound like a great boyfriend. Props to you for taking on a relationship other single people might not, and accepting your gf's kids. That can be tough going indeed. I have no advice to offer, having had no experience as a parent, nor being a significant other to a mother or a father, but I just wanted to congratulate you.
A relationship that has a 70% chance of failing, leaving these kids to hurt again.
No, not wise.
But if op is going to do it, let's arm him with the best tools/knowledge.
I read the back ground and then I skipped. You aren't a little family until you put a ring on it. No advice, no jumping in, no nothing. If you want to be her husband and partner and these kids dad...put a ring on it. And mean it. For life (adopt them). Until then you are a visitor.
I think your GF is handling it as best she can. 3 is a tough age (4 is no picnic either), and sometimes kids will go through phases where they tantrum a lot, are defiant, and then a few months go by, and they're back to being sweet and obedient. You will go through these phases all throughout their childhood. Sometimes the best you can do is just grin and bear it.
I do know kids treat mom and dad differently. They know they have a direct line to mom's heart. My kids know they can trample all over me because I'm a softie. But they tow the line for dad. Since these are your GF's kids, I would let her handle the discipline. Just know that annoying behaviors come and go, and soon that behavior will stop, probably only to be replaced by another annoying behavior. Kids are hard work.
I'm like her in that I can't just let my kids cry.
Does he nap still? If he does, he might be getting too much sleep and isn't tired enough at night to get a full night's sleep, so I would cut that out or significantly reduce nap time. He will be a nightmare around dinner time for a week or so, but he will adjust.
Has she tried to lay with him until he falls asleep? It's one tip I read in a sleep book and it worked great for our daughter. The hard part is not falling asleep yourself .
I believe in slowly weaning kids into new situations/routines. It may take longer, but there is less resistance and stress making the transition a positive one. She can start by laying until he is asleep, then sitting next to the bed until he is asleep, then next to the door and so on. Again it will take longer, but it he will feel comforted and it won't be as stressful.
Kids do treat mom and dad differently, but this isn't even about mom and dad. It's about mom and a man that sleeps in her room.
If "man that sleeps in mom's room" tucks them in and ignores them later, it doesn't matter that much. The kids care more about if their parent does it. They want her. They need her. They rely on her. They want to know that she will protect them. They want to test her, to make sure that she will always be there to take care of them if they need her. They might drive her crazy by asking for things they don't need, but they're testing her. They want to know that if the boogey man shows up, mom will not ignore them. (They don't expect you to protect them, but they want to know that she will.) So it's only natural that the "good night, I will not come back to your room until morning" strategy will be easier for somebody they're not bonded to, but more difficult for a parent.
Some experts say that parents should ignore children until morning (the "cry-it-out method") , but others say parents should not, and suggest it could lead to feelings of insecurity in very young children. You should both read up on this, from both sides of the argument, and then discuss among yourselves which you feel is right. (Make sure her opinion takes precedence, because you haven't committed to these children.)
But regardless of what you feel is right, understand that this tactic will not work the same for you as it would for her. The children see you differently, and have different expectations from you.
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