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19 year old son disowned father, seeking advice on disowning father, dead beat dad, father in and out of life since age of 11, not paying child support
In case you come back and read . . . just wanted to let you know that setting boundaries w/ an irresponsible person who can't be relied upon and trusted is NOT holding a grudge. It is only sensible to cut people out of your life who are irresponsible and who do not have your best interests at heart.
So do not feel any guilt about setting boundaries and ignoring your dad. He is the one who has broken the bond of trust - not you. You were a child and he acted like a child.
If, in the future, you want to give him another chance . . . then you can. But just be prepared for more of the same heartache.
What people seem to forget it . . . just b/c a person is our parent, it doesn't make them a GOOD person, or a RELIABLE person or even a person worthy of your time. Plus, once you are an adult, you should be RESPECTED by your parent and obviously, your bio-dad doesn't respect himself - so of course he isn't going to respect you.
Life is complicated enuff w/o others making it more difficult. If, at some point, you want to try again - then you can! Just be aware: few people ever change. Your bio-dad is who he is. The chance of his suddenly acting like "someone else" are slim and none. He will continue being the same person, most likely, til the day he dies.
In case you come back and read . . . just wanted to let you know that setting boundaries w/ an irresponsible person who can't be relied upon and trusted is NOT holding a grudge. It is only sensible to cut people out of your life who are irresponsible and who do not have your best interests at heart.
So do not feel any guilt about setting boundaries and ignoring your dad. He is the one who has broken the bond of trust - not you. You were a child and he acted like a child.
If, in the future, you want to give him another chance . . . then you can. But just be prepared for more of the same heartache.
What people seem to forget it . . . just b/c a person is our parent, it doesn't make them a GOOD person, or a RELIABLE person or even a person worthy of your time. Plus, once you are an adult, you should be RESPECTED by your parent and obviously, your bio-dad doesn't respect himself - so of course he isn't going to respect you.
Life is complicated enuff w/o others making it more difficult. If, at some point, you want to try again - then you can! Just be aware: few people ever change. Your bio-dad is who he is. The chance of his suddenly acting like "someone else" are slim and none. He will continue being the same person, most likely, til the day he dies.
thanks for the advice, ill keep it in mind... but i doubt ill give him another chance.. this was his third... so as in baseball... strike three youre out
The opposite of love is not hate... it is apathy. That is the emotion I have towards my father. I know where he lives, I know how to contact him. I choose not to. My son is 15, and my father has never laid eyes on him. As far as I know, my father hasn't even seen a pic of son.
I too saw my father's true colors when he reappeared when I was 18. My decision had very little to do with anger or meanness, it has to with self preservation.
I do not depend on him for anything. When Son asks about my father, I am matter of fact and non judgmental.
You need to to what you need to do, but whatever you do, if it is done in anger and spite, it will poison you just as much as you want it to poison your father.
I really wanted to thank you for your post. I relate... and you worded it so simply and eloquently.
Just because someone is related by blood to you, or that you were born into a certain family or situation... doesn't mean they shouldn't have to earn your respect, just as any other person would have to do. Allow people into your life who show you that they deserve the privilege of having any kind of relationship with you. Once you are an adult, you can choose who you want in your life. Don't let the preconceived social norms of family obligations and being bound by blood ruin or run any aspect of your life. It's your new world. Let go of those who have mistreated or disrespected you, and move on. Be happy! The point of life is to live it, not wallow in the hurtful things of the past that you had no control over. You can't change other people, but you can take control of your own life.
I could have easily disowned my father years ago and no one would have faulted me for it. Instead, I forgave him. I didn't do it formally to his face but in my heart. The reason I forgave him is this--I did it for me. The hate and anger were eating me up inside. Today, we have a better relationship. He treats my children well and they love their grandpa. If I had disowned him, I would have deprived myself and my kids of knowing that side of my dad. Even if you never see your dad again, forgiving him will make you feel better.
I could have easily disowned my father years ago and no one would have faulted me for it. Instead, I forgave him. I didn't do it formally to his face but in my heart. The reason I forgave him is this--I did it for me. The hate and anger were eating me up inside. Today, we have a better relationship. He treats my children well and they love their grandpa. If I had disowned him, I would have deprived myself and my kids of knowing that side of my dad. Even if you never see your dad again, forgiving him will make you feel better.
you are correct about the forgiveness part... and I have forgiven my father. I didn't get the grandaddy for my son or the friend that you got, but I did get to let it go.
Just because you forgive someone doesn't make it all go away or make it all rainbows and sunshine. You have accept that there is nothing you can do to change that person and stop holding them to the expectation of who you want them to be, then being disappointed when they do not live up to your vision. I accept who my father is, that he may be my father, but he will never be the daddy I dreamed of when I was little. I forgive him for all the hurt, but I accept it is my responsibility not to put myself in a position to be hurt like that again.
Charz, I am happy it worked out so well for you and your kids.... maybe a little jealous too.
yes, forgivness is one thing, but the willingness to place ones self back in a position to possibly receive he same heartache is a strength i do not have, i am who i am because of jack so i can forgive him, however to put myself back in a position like that again... i just cant do it, especially for my new son who is coming in a short while, i dont want to set him up to be abandoned as well by this man
In my own opinion it is not worth the anger or energy to try and continue a relationship with someone who is EXTREMELY fair-weathered. Meaning he only wants to see you on HIS terms. He has vanished twice. I say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He's already fooled you twice. Don't let him do it to you a third time. Let him know you don't consider him your father and that you have enough responsibilities to take care of in YOUR life now that you don't need to have to deal with a SECOND child (him). If he was MAN enough he would have stayed around and he'd stop vanishing. But from the sounds of it if you tried to give him a THIRD chance I think you'd end up putting WAY too much energy into it and he'd probably end up vanishing again.
Since you're about to be a father yourself invest your time in that and VOW not to invest ANY energy into someone who is so negative and only brings negative vibes around. THat's all he does. You need to surround yourself with POSITIVE things.
(On a side note: I've never disowned a parent, which I know is a LOT different then cutting off friends, which I HAVE done. People that were negative and dragging me down I CUT out of my life and NEVER speak to them no matter how much they try to contact me. After a few months they stop trying (and even if they DO still try I ignore them)........ it's made my life SOOOOO much less stressful and I"m a happier person since I build my own happiness and I CHOSE to keep the negativity out of my life!)
The biggest difference between disowning a parent and cutting yourself off from negative friends is that a parent is half of who you are.... their DNA is in your blood.... without them you wouldn't exsist. To hate a parent is to hate half of who you are. To disown a parent is to disown who you are. Maybe it is easier in my case because my father never has made an effort to be in my life, so it didn't take any effort to walk away from him.
In my own opinion it is not worth the anger or energy to try and continue a relationship with someone who is EXTREMELY fair-weathered. Meaning he only wants to see you on HIS terms. He has vanished twice. I say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He's already fooled you twice. Don't let him do it to you a third time. Let him know you don't consider him your father and that you have enough responsibilities to take care of in YOUR life now that you don't need to have to deal with a SECOND child (him). If he was MAN enough he would have stayed around and he'd stop vanishing. But from the sounds of it if you tried to give him a THIRD chance I think you'd end up putting WAY too much energy into it and he'd probably end up vanishing again.
Since you're about to be a father yourself invest your time in that and VOW not to invest ANY energy into someone who is so negative and only brings negative vibes around. THat's all he does. You need to surround yourself with POSITIVE things.
(On a side note: I've never disowned a parent, which I know is a LOT different then cutting off friends, which I HAVE done. People that were negative and dragging me down I CUT out of my life and NEVER speak to them no matter how much they try to contact me. After a few months they stop trying (and even if they DO still try I ignore them)........ it's made my life SOOOOO much less stressful and I"m a happier person since I build my own happiness and I CHOSE to keep the negativity out of my life!)
he did vanish a third time, he contacted me on msn a while back... hasnt said anything since
he did vanish a third time, he contacted me on msn a while back... hasnt said anything since
Then def don't waste your time. He's obviously a repeat offender in the vanishing department and now that he thinks he can ALWAYS get away with it he'll just keep doing it which will just cause stress for you. Stay away from it
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