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Parent seeking advice how to discuss gun issue with friend’s parents, concerned with son going over to their house, good family, do not want to offend them
We do not own guns, never have. I used to feel the same way - they were bad things and I could not imagine that I would ever allow my kids to be in a home with guns. Then, as I got older, and my kids got older I realized that the best protection I could give them was education. I could not reasonably interview every parent of every friend they had until they were 18. We have friends and relatives who hunt or are police officers. Am I going to say the kids can't visit their cousins or good, responsible friends of the family because the OWN guns. That are kept locked up. In a gun safe. Unloaded. I personally had a lot more concerns about the parents who sat around smoking cigs watching trash on tv in a filthy house but that's just me.....
People cannot wrap their kids in cotton and think they will be protected. Arm kids with knowledge instead of fear and they will be much, much safer.
Thank you! My parents were of that mind, way back in the 50's. When I left home and went into the real world I was not prepared and that was a great disservice to me. It is not helping your kids to teach them that everything you fear is bad and they should fear it too. And remember, kids are more curious about things that they are told to fear. They don't. YOU do. It makes it a greater curiosity as to why.
It's important not to make things like guns and knives into toys. Kids play with toys and may not understand the difference. The neighbors in this case hunt, so its known they have guns. But what if they didn't hunt and do? How would you know? The only protection your child has is knowing what to do if he finds a gun. Just as you teach your kids that the knives in the drawer are not playtoys.
If you don't have a dog, you still need to teach your child how to act around an animal. To ask the owner if its okay to pet the dog. HOW to pet the dog, how to let the dog scent you and how not to threaten. This is much better than teaching them that dogs are scary.
When kids get past the point where mom is there to check things out they need to have a sense of responsibility about dangers and how to avoid them. This starts with letting them risk and discovering concenquences in daily life. You touch the pan and its hot and it burns you finger. So the next time you say "no" they understand why. No matter how many times you say no,hot before they have no idea why until that finger does anyway.
We as adults are responsible for teaching our children about dangers and how to avoid them, by educating them. We also need not to make so much fear that its too scary to try something unfamiliar or different. There will be cars, knives, pools, stairs, animals, bats, and guns and eventually that education will matter.
Knowledge is power. It arms us with ways to make ourselves safe.
And one of the most important questions is "Why?"
Saying its bad to pick up the knife doesn't communicate anything. Showing how sharp it is and how it could cut their finger will. Part of knowledge is knowing how and why we can be safe.
Maybe not at the moment, but at some point, having friends will be a gain for your daughter.
I'm not sure what you mean???
This is ONE friend. How does everyone get so far off subject. Sometimes it's necessary to only look at the question at hand. One thing at a time. Stop branching so much.
You don't want your kid around guns. That's it. Maybe it is that simple. Maybe a parent that feels this way is not worried about driving in cars so much or their kid being molested in the bathroom. Who cares if their fear is being around an object that promotes danger, negativity, violence, OR and sometimes AND death??????
I know some people view guns as a right and "good" or whatever they want to call it. Good for them. I don't choose that for my family. I also don't believe that those responsible people should loose their right to bear arms just because I wouldn't myself or even think of having them in my home. Just like with abortion (can of worms???) I am pro life but never would I insist that abortion be illegal. My rights and opinions are in no way better than another's personal choice.
So maybe the OP doesn't want her kid to be around guns. That doesn't mean she is an overbearing overprotective freak parent whose kid is going to be a crazy freakish adult wrapping himself in bubble wrap and cotten while walking friendless down a carless street. She simply doesn't want her kid to be around guns. END
You really think that only one potential friend has guns in their home? My point is that it is probably more people than you realize and as kids get older, they do need friends and you don't always know everything that is in the homes of your friends or their friends. Again, I am not saying you shouldn't ask questions or be concerned if there are loaded, unsecured guns in the home but to nullify any potential playdate or frienship because a family has any guns in any situation is extreme and I think you will find includes more people than you might initially believe. If it is a conversation between adults, most likely the child won't even know the guns are there. It's not as if most people with guns in their home make that point to whomever enters...
I see what you're saying. Totally agree with you. From THIS woman's perspective AND my own is where I was coming from.
She doesn't HAVE TO be around guns. I know I have to drive sometimes with my daughter in the car, say to her doctor's appt. But I don't have to be around guns. So taking a risk in a car is a risk I must take. However, being around a gun, even if the owner is responsible, offers me no gain thus not making it a reasonable risk.
You keep saying you don't HAVE to be around guns. Do you hear yourself? Just because a family has guns in their home, does't mean they sit around all day handling those guns. They don't get kids to come over and take the guns out to play with them. Most guns sit for months, sometimes years without being touched, in a safe place in the home.
The way you sound with this, is you think people who have guns in the home have them as a center piece on the diningroom table, or laying on the kitchen counter, or propped up against the couch.
There are guns in more homes than you think, and my bet is that nobody knows but the owners, and it isn't a topic of conversation with anybody who ventures into their home.
Do you think that if your kid was to go to a friend's house where there is a firearm, the parent would see your kid enter, take out his gun and show your kid and let him handle it? Don't be absurd.
There is a line down the middle, and on the issue of your child's safety, you have decided to plant yourself firmly on one side of it. The fact that you have placed yourself on either side of that line places certain obstacles in your path, that you might as well get used to. Asking the advice of a group of people, some of whom are on your side of the line, and some are not, is going to yield a predictable set of responses. Nevertheless, you are still going to have to deal with your child having a normal social desire to interact with his peers.
He will find peer pressure to do things that are morally wrong, and for this, he will need your guidance without compromise. But these are not moral issues, and he might not understand easily the difference between doing what is wrong, and doing what mommy thinks is unsafe.
I would suggest that you discuss the dangers of guns and swimming, so that he understands the character and the nature of what you see as a risk. Then consider his input into whether he feels that the restrictions are realistic.
There is a very low risk of drowning or gunshots, but a much higher risk of emotional distress if he feels that he is being singled out as the child who needs more protection than his playmates. No two children are the same, and each one has his own level of innate sensitivity. I'm in favor of letting kids find their own level of adventurous play, and guide them wisely along the path that they seem destined to naturally follow.
I'm the OP and I appreciate all your responses. It's obvious the answer to my original question is no. And I much rather hear it on a forum than insult a family in my community.
As far as the boys go, they can be friends at school and realistically, maybe that's all. There are many children to be friends with, so neither children will be lacking social interaction. My child already has a core group of friends that I can see them growing up together and becoming life friends. Those children have parents that I know very well. They happen to be similarly freakishly, overprotective. I feel comfortable when my child is over there and they feel the same about me.
I know people who own guns can be responsible and lock things away and are fine people. My child can be safe there. And in this particular case, I'm not concerned that if I send my child over there that someone will come out with a gun or that the kids will stumble upon a gun. I'm concerned that as the children get older and they get to the age where they like to push the envelope a bit and do a little more daring things, they may seek out the gun, to have a look or whatnot. It's not beyond the realms of possibility they find the "hidden" key to unlock the door and find the ammunition for the gun. Child shootings are often accidental, but the intent to handle the gun was not. It would be rare that a child actually gets fatally shot, but I don't feel that risk is necessary.
Sure there are dangers "lurking" in every corner. He could get hit by a car or be playing baseball and get hit by a line drive that freakishly stops his heart. These things happen and it's unanticipated. Though I would be devastated, I could live with myself. I can not live with myself if my son was shot by his friend or vice versa.
So you all sound very logical in your arguments. This is just how I roll. It is not because I want to take away your guns and tell you, you shouldn't have one.
The reason I set a policy of my child not going over to a house that has a gun in it is so I don't have to interrogate parents about how they keep their guns. I don't want to be in a position to judge how well I think they keep their gun. If they don't lock it up and I say no my child can't go over there, then that's me judging them, implying they don't keep their home safe. Then feelings get hurt and all that. That's why I try to just go with the rule and it's nothing personal. Not a judgment and not because I don't like them. If I had the opportunity to get to know parents long before a play date, then I can better judge their character and possibly having a gun in that house may not be an issue, but that doesn't happen so much, as they get older.
I have rules, but my son is hardly restricted. He can go swimming with his friends, but I'm going to be there, probably not when he's 16, but at 8? yeah, I'll watch him. My 5yo almost drowned and my own husband was "watching" him. I have a house full of rules, but it's always open for friends to come. They can eat and hang out. They have an area that's just for them. But I'm always home. The kids know me like a second mom. Paranoid and over protective? Maybe
I'm the OP and I appreciate all your responses. It's obvious the answer to my original question is no. And I much rather hear it on a forum than insult a family in my community.
As far as the boys go, they can be friends at school and realistically, maybe that's all. There are many children to be friends with, so neither children will be lacking social interaction. My child already has a core group of friends that I can see them growing up together and becoming life friends. Those children have parents that I know very well. They happen to be similarly freakishly, overprotective. I feel comfortable when my child is over there and they feel the same about me.
I know people who own guns can be responsible and lock things away and are fine people. My child can be safe there. And in this particular case, I'm not concerned that if I send my child over there that someone will come out with a gun or that the kids will stumble upon a gun. I'm concerned that as the children get older and they get to the age where they like to push the envelope a bit and do a little more daring things, they may seek out the gun, to have a look or whatnot. It's not beyond the realms of possibility they find the "hidden" key to unlock the door and find the ammunition for the gun. Child shootings are often accidental, but the intent to handle the gun was not. It would be rare that a child actually gets fatally shot, but I don't feel that risk is necessary.
Sure there are dangers "lurking" in every corner. He could get hit by a car or be playing baseball and get hit by a line drive that freakishly stops his heart. These things happen and it's unanticipated. Though I would be devastated, I could live with myself. I can not live with myself if my son was shot by his friend or vice versa.
So you all sound very logical in your arguments. This is just how I roll. It is not because I want to take away your guns and tell you, you shouldn't have one.
The reason I set a policy of my child not going over to a house that has a gun in it is so I don't have to interrogate parents about how they keep their guns. I don't want to be in a position to judge how well I think they keep their gun. If they don't lock it up and I say no my child can't go over there, then that's me judging them, implying they don't keep their home safe. Then feelings get hurt and all that. That's why I try to just go with the rule and it's nothing personal. Not a judgment and not because I don't like them. If I had the opportunity to get to know parents long before a play date, then I can better judge their character and possibly having a gun in that house may not be an issue, but that doesn't happen so much, as they get older.
I have rules, but my son is hardly restricted. He can go swimming with his friends, but I'm going to be there, probably not when he's 16, but at 8? yeah, I'll watch him. My 5yo almost drowned and my own husband was "watching" him. I have a house full of rules, but it's always open for friends to come. They can eat and hang out. They have an area that's just for them. But I'm always home. The kids know me like a second mom. Paranoid and over protective? Maybe
I know of this guy who was raised by his mother and grandmother, they never let him go anywhere except school, after which he had to come straight home. They wouldn't even let him play in the yard as they kept telling him he would be kidnapped by perverts. This was in the town of Conneaut, Ohio.
They never let him do anything or go anywhere. Today he is about 50 years old, he's never been on a date, never left the town, never really gone anywhere or done anything. He doesn't have a car because he never was allowed to get his license, along with having been warned about cars. He bicycles around town and can be seen on a regular basis.
Just think, in fifty years, that could be your son.
The reason I set a policy of my child not going over to a house that has a gun in it is so I don't have to interrogate parents about how they keep their guns. I don't want to be in a position to judge how well I think they keep their gun.
Do you have some inherent biological device in your head that tells you when somebody is a gun-owner? If not, I assume you ask them, "before I let my kid go to your house to play, are you a gun-owner?" Wouldn't that be an embarrassing and judgemental form of interrogation?
The last time I checked, most gun-owners don't put signs in their yards or have their gun owning status tattooed on their foreheads.
You keep saying you don't HAVE to be around guns. Do you hear yourself? Just because a family has guns in their home, does't mean they sit around all day handling those guns. They don't get kids to come over and take the guns out to play with them. Most guns sit for months, sometimes years without being touched, in a safe place in the home.
The way you sound with this, is you think people who have guns in the home have them as a center piece on the diningroom table, or laying on the kitchen counter, or propped up against the couch.
There are guns in more homes than you think, and my bet is that nobody knows but the owners, and it isn't a topic of conversation with anybody who ventures into their home.
Do you think that if your kid was to go to a friend's house where there is a firearm, the parent would see your kid enter, take out his gun and show your kid and let him handle it? Don't be absurd.
I don't think people sit around playing with guns just because they own them.
And if my kid was playing at someone's home, especially at a young age, I am pretty sure that I would know as much as possible about them, including whether or not they have guns in their homes.
And it has nothing to do with the parent here. The OP has stated that. It has to do with children being children. Them testing their limits. It's about the children and not the parents.
I am far from absured, but thank your for the educated observation.
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) I am pro life but never would I insist that abortion be illegal. My rights and opinions are in no way better than another's personal choice. 
