Step-Toing Around (a Step Mother's quest)

[Remington Steel]

Originally Posted by MrMom2

All I can say is that Step-parents will always be LAST in the line of who anyone in the bio-family listens to or respects, with the exception of your own birth family and biological children.

Even when the step-kid is clearly in the wrong and everyone KNOWS it, the step-parent will still be wrong and basically told to "go away and leave my kid alone" (or to that effect).

If you have good relations with your own fmaily, use them to lean on for strength in this. It really helps knowing you got support in some way and that your not completely alone (even if their help is limited its better than none).

I hope you don't believe this?! Don't let people think there is no hope in the step-parent situation! I would hate to have to come to you for advice!

[annabanana123]

I agree that your husband needs to talk to her alone. He needs to explain to her that she has to treat you with the same respect she has for her own mom when she's in your home. Come up with consequences and carry through with them if she doesn't.

It sounds like you've already tried this but if not try carving out some special time to spend with her one on one. Maybe go get a pedicure together or go shopping or something that she will enjoy. She may act like she doesn't now but I bet she'll remember those times fondly in the future.

If all else fails I'd get a professional involved to help you guys figure out how to address it. A child psychologist may be able to help everyone, including her, figure out how to work through the issues that are causing the behavior.

[purehuman]

the way to "fix it" is like the others have said...get her dad involved.
How does it make you feel when he ignores and allows this child to disrespect you in your home?...I'd set HIM straight first...by allowing his child to ignore you he's giving her his silent OK....and you can bet she knows it.

[nana053]

OP is from 2009. I suspect the situation has been resolved by now.

[Shira_k]

Originally Posted by offofwallstreet

Ok not sure how many step situations have been posted recently. However,I have a step daughter (now 8). She recently visited for the summer. Unfortunately to no surprise, her mother does not like me very well (never met her...just apparently not too happy that her ex has moved on and is happily married). How do I know, I know because as I drove her then toddler around (my step daughter at 3) from day care to home, because her mother was no where to be found, the tot would sit in my back seat and tell me nasty things. "my mother does not like you. My mother has fire for you. mommy and daddy were kissing last night."

Fast forward 5 years, she is now 8 and every time she comes to visit, she acts as if I do not exist when my husband is around. does not say good morning, does not say good night. does not say thank you when I do things for her. AND she tells constant stories...I can't get a straight story out of her for all of the build a bear toys in the world, and the summer visit is now terribly strained.

Before, the antics "only" affected myself and my husband...now, we have our own children (a 4 year old and 2 year old).

I am searching for advice, because I've seen a 3 year old with attitude carrying adult messages to another adult, I now see an 8 year old walking into my home as irreverent as can be, and I shutter at the thought of a 14 year old coming to visit.

have you experienced it? Is there anything I can do to fix this quick!?

You can't *fix this quick* but you can fix this.

However, from my experience, you need three things and you need all three things to be in place:
1. A three year old was simply parroting what someone was feeding her. She did not come up with this on her own. It wasn't her fault. So I suggest that *you* put the three year old behavior behind you.
2. The child's father *has to* be on board with you. You cannot successfully be part of the parenting team unless he us. In an ideal world, the child's mother would be partnering with both of you.
3.i would strongly suggest that you find a family counselor who specializes in blended families.

I'm not condoning the child's behavior *now*, but look at her life from her pov. She us all of eight years old. Her father left her and mommy to start a new family. (I know that's not how it is but that's how she is probably seeing it).

From what you described, the mother is probably not too stable. Can you blame her for acting out? You are going to need a lot of patience and consistency but unless and until your hubby is 10000%with you, and backing up every decision or complaint you make, this is never going to work.

And understand please that this is way more serious than the uncomfortable summer. If you don't get this fixed *now* you will be dealing with much more serious issues like substance abuse, dropping out of school, etc.

Good luck

[Pitt Chick]

:::sigh:::

The person you quoted has been gone for over SEVEN YEARS.
I am sure she is no longer soliciting advice on how to handle it.

[Shira_k]

Originally Posted by Pitt Chick

:::sigh:::

The person you quoted has been gone for over SEVEN YEARS.
I am sure she is no longer soliciting advice on how to handle it.

Oops!I missed that!