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I just got a text from my daughter's father. He informed me he wants to have his daughter six months out of the year. However, in her nine years of life, he has only seen her five times. ... He's also her family, but she doesn't know him. He left when I was carrying her. Well, thanks for letting me vent. If you have any thoughts or similar issues, please share.
I had a deadbeat dad. But let me tell you - my mothers bitterness towards him made me want to know him more. All my young life growing up all I heard from my mom was moaning and groaning about how he never paid child support, never came around, didn't try to know us, he left us, etc. etc. This was all true. But what was also true was that she would say one thing and do another. She would say that she wanted us to know our dad and wanted him to come spend time with us, but the very few times he ever did make such an effort - she made his life hell with the moaning and griping and her nagging and whining... I always just wanted her to shut up and leave us alone so that my dad and I could hang out and get to know each other. Instead, she always made a scene. I'm sure you don't do this, I'm just sharing my own experience.
From your perspective - the mother's perspective - the deadbeat father doesn't care about the kid and just wants to get out of paying child support or more child support or whatever... he wants to look good to the judge or whatever... But... that's your daughter's father and she has a right to know him regardless. Whether he's a jerk or not well - leave that up to her to figure out on her own. She's gonna have to deal with jerks her whole life anyway, her father might be good training for her! OR... who knows... they might finally have a chance to bond and grow to know each other. Some people actually do grow up and mature and change a bit. Who knows...
Just going off the experience I had in this kind of situation, I think you should let your daughter's father have the custody agreement that he's finally requesting after all these years for the sake of your daughter. Why stand in the way of that? If you fight it, or behave in a resistant way towards the idea, it might backlash against you. Your daughter might blame you at some point for not letting her know her father. I blame my mom for the years I lost with my dad. As I became an adult and was able to go where I wanted, I got to know my dad better and grew distant from my mom. I saw the kind of people both were... and yes my dad was irresponsible and avoided confrontation at all costs, but my mom was also manipulative, angry, and controlling. Again I'm not saying you are like my mom... but standing in the way of your daughter and this possibility - at long last - of getting to know her (deadbeat) father just doesn't seem right. I believe in hope, sometimes it's all we have, and there's always that hope that they can form a good relationship if given the chance.
??
A 9 year old has her own cell phone??
And the man who has only seen her 5 times in 9 years has her number??
And what does owning your own business have to do with not paying??
Sounds like there's more to the story....
Lots of 9 year olds have cell phones now. I think about three kids in my 4th graders class actually don't.
"the man" is her father - why shouldn't he have his daughter's cell phone number?
Someone else already explained the third question... My dad was also one of those. He was always his own boss or did under the table type stuff so my mom couldn't garnish his wages. She tried and tried, though. She tried everything in the book, but my dad was too smart - and too selfish. Later, when I was grown, he told me he did those things just to get a rise out of my mom, it was like a game to him. My dad actually would eventually pay, but the very bare minimum and would always pay late just to make my mom mad. She was always after more money, and always demanded it on-time... and my dad didn't like her being all Miss bossy boots so he just messed with her like that. He could be a real jerk when you pushed his buttons the wrong way, and my mom always pushed his buttons the wrong way.
I had a deadbeat dad. But let me tell you - my mothers bitterness towards him made me want to know him more. All my young life growing up all I heard from my mom was moaning and groaning about how he never paid child support, never came around, didn't try to know us, he left us, etc. etc. This was all true. But what was also true was that she would say one thing and do another. She would say that she wanted us to know our dad and wanted him to come spend time with us, but the very few times he ever did make such an effort - she made his life hell with the moaning and griping and her nagging and whining... I always just wanted her to shut up and leave us alone so that my dad and I could hang out and get to know each other. Instead, she always made a scene. I'm sure you don't do this, I'm just sharing my own experience.
From your perspective - the mother's perspective - the deadbeat father doesn't care about the kid and just wants to get out of paying child support or more child support or whatever... he wants to look good to the judge or whatever... But... that's your daughter's father and she has a right to know him regardless. Whether he's a jerk or not well - leave that up to her to figure out on her own. She's gonna have to deal with jerks her whole life anyway, her father might be good training for her! OR... who knows... they might finally have a chance to bond and grow to know each other. Some people actually do grow up and mature and change a bit. Who knows...
Just going off the experience I had in this kind of situation, I think you should let your daughter's father have the custody agreement that he's finally requesting after all these years for the sake of your daughter. Why stand in the way of that? If you fight it, or behave in a resistant way towards the idea, it might backlash against you. Your daughter might blame you at some point for not letting her know her father. I blame my mom for the years I lost with my dad. As I became an adult and was able to go where I wanted, I got to know my dad better and grew distant from my mom. I saw the kind of people both were... and yes my dad was irresponsible and avoided confrontation at all costs, but my mom was also manipulative, angry, and controlling. Again I'm not saying you are like my mom... but standing in the way of your daughter and this possibility - at long last - of getting to know her (deadbeat) father just doesn't seem right. I believe in hope, sometimes it's all we have, and there's always that hope that they can form a good relationship if given the chance.
Well, thanks for your opinion. I believe in reality. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but my daughter does not want to go. She will have to go to two different schools. As I stated I give him all access to her. She invites him to birthday parties, school functions, dance performances. This is usually done by leaving a message. He never answer's her calls. The only thing he would do is stick her somewhere for hours at at time. She is part of a dance company in north georgia. He lives in south Georgia. I'm all for her getting to know him. Taking her away from her family for six months to go live with someone(father or not) she barely knows, is what I have a problem with. I have to look out for my daughters well being and safety.
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Just going off the experience I had in this kind of situation, I think you should let your daughter's father have the custody agreement that he's finally requesting after all these years for the sake of your daughter. Why stand in the way of that? If you fight it, or behave in a resistant way towards the idea, it might backlash against you. Your daughter might blame you at some point for not letting her know her father. I blame my mom for the years I lost with my dad. As I became an adult and was able to go where I wanted, I got to know my dad better and grew distant from my mom. I saw the kind of people both were... and yes my dad was irresponsible and avoided confrontation at all costs, but my mom was also manipulative, angry, and controlling. Again I'm not saying you are like my mom... but standing in the way of your daughter and this possibility - at long last - of getting to know her (deadbeat) father just doesn't seem right. I believe in hope, sometimes it's all we have, and there's always that hope that they can form a good relationship if given the chance.
I'm sorry you went through this and you do make great points about not letting the child suffer when the parents don't get along.
I really think, though, that in the case of the OP, the Dad isn't interested in being a Dad. If he really wanted to get to know his daughter, he'd at least start by asking for one or two weekends a month. To make a jump to wanting her 6 months, but not even making an effort to see her now, just shows he's looking to save the money.
In fact, I bet if you let him sign away his parental rights, he would. And, further, I bet if he was granted 6 month custody, he wouldn't even want to have her during that time. He'd just be happy knowing he didn't have to pay and can bank on the fact that you won't force him to have her those 6 months.
Get a good lawyer. I bet he doesn't want to fight for her. I think he wants to scare you into letting him off the hook. I grew up with a dad like that. I didn't hear from him until my mother got remarried. I came into a lot of money. Wow! Guess who showed up and wanted to be a dad. Once he found out I couldn't touch it until I was 18 guess who vanished again? Let's just say I'm 40+ and still haven't heard from him!
Good Luck to you.
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