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Oh, this is the lunch money kid? If this routine and expectations thing is all new to him, that makes a lot more sense. Doesn't make it easier but it does make more sense. It will be very hard to "undo" 15 years of bad habits and no enforcement of rules and responsibility. It is doable but you have a challenge in front of you. Hold your ground and give him the positive reinforcement when he does accomplish something. Another idea is when you sit down with him about what he might want to do as a career - if you know someone who has that career to see if that person will talk to him about what is needed to "get there"....or even to "shadow" someone at work for a day....Many kids now don't really have a clue about what "real life" is - they think pro athelete or music star - they watch MTV and truly believe that is how real people (other than their dorky family) live and that money is that easily available.....I really do think that the key is to try to find what will make them push themselves instead of you pushing them. It has to be about what they want out of life and the grades are just a means to an end. It may mean that you spend quite awhile standing over him though. Good luck! Does your district have online parent accessibility? Ours does and at any given time, I can log on and see how my DS is doing in any of his classes - test grades, missing assignments etc. That might help.....
Becky - while I agree that some kids are bored in school, many are just lazy.....If someone cannot be bothered to do the homework that says a lot about their work ethic. A bad work ethic will eventually damn you more than mediocre intelligence... and 16 is a good age to be learning that.
If you're standing over his is working, then keep doing it. he doesn't need anything special, just someone to stand behind him to get his butt in gear. A teen boy who doesn't bother with homework, who has never heard of that? Not a serious problem, just keep at him.
I think that he should be praised for the high grades. He may need help with the other classes, so, yep, time to do homework together. I know it is a pain. And, maybe he is not going to be college bound, is that okay? Maybe he wants to be a gardener. If he is not doing drugs, or in trouble, the grades are the least of problems.
Don't make this a control issue, because it sounds like you are quite Draconian to me. I don't think you like this kid too much, or his Mother. Just an observation.
Praise him for his good grades, and use it as an opportunity that it's because you know so well that he's capable of doing well that you expect him give it his best shot. It's not the end result itself that matters (within reason), but the process.
Too many kids get the message today that winning (or getting As) is the only thing that matters, so this is a nice opportunity to give the opposite message. Working hard and doing your best is a valuable life lesson.
Praise him for his good grades, and use it as an opportunity that it's because you know so well that he's capable of doing well that you expect him give it his best shot. It's not the end result itself that matters (within reason), but the process.
Too many kids get the message today that winning (or getting As) is the only thing that matters, so this is a nice opportunity to give the opposite message. Working hard and doing your best is a valuable life lesson.
I agree with that statement.
That is why I do not insist on or expect my kids to get As. The only thing I ask of my kids is to do their best and to try. If their best is an A then great, but if their best is only a C that is just as good as getting an A to me. However if their best is only a D then it's obvious that they may need a bit of help. Fs are unexceptable period, because Fs show they aren't even trying or doing their best. (mind you these are my kids I'm talking about here and I know what they are capable of and they are capable of getting better than F grades) Most kids are capable of at least getting C grades if they actually apply themselves. But that is where a lot of problems lie, is kids do not always like to apply themselves especially in things they feel are boring.
I didn't get the impression the OP was expecting A's but getting Cs and Ds due to the fact that homework isn't done, all the while getting A's on tests, indicates that he is perfectly capable intellectually of doing better. I always told my kids I would be happier with a hard gotten C than an easy A. We've had some of both. But in my home, turning in homework is a given. It is basic respect for the teacher and yourself. You may not always understand it but you darn well better turn it in - if you need help then ask. Ask the teacher, ask another teacher, ask someone you know who gets it, ask me. I will always try to help but you need to do your part.
Last edited by maciesmom; 10-11-2009 at 08:38 PM..
Well that is easy, the kid is bored by subjects that are not of his interest and move at too slow of a pace for him.
hahahahhahahahahhahaha
Obviously someone who has NOT read any of your other posts!
On another note... I only opened this thread because I hadn't realized you started it. No offense, but this kid needs a kick in the "you know what". He's ungrateful to you for what you do, talks back, lies, tells YOU what he will and will not eat - I'll bet he LOVES to watch you squirm with guilt every time he gets caught not living up to the rules you put forward... he brings up his tough beginning and swears he's trying and then you cave until the next thing...
We went through this trying to help my cousin's son last year. Of course, I did NOT cut him slack and did NOT give him privacy... so we caught him out every time and did NOT fall for any of his guilt trips. He finally "lost it" and claimed I was "getting in the way of his fun", so I stepped aside and let him at it - it was rough. I cried. I got over it when my son innocently asked, "Is he REALLY gone mommy?"... the first time the child had called me "mommy" in three years - he just wanted to be reassured that our lives were going to go back to the way they had been. He might've loved "Ryan", but he & his sister were SO RELIEVED when he left!
Through the grapevine, we heard he lost 75+ pounds living on the streets for 3 months before the pastor's family took him in. (So much for "despising" Ramen and PB) I heard he lasted 5 weeks at the pastor's home before they finally realized that HE was the problem, not US. They had to have the police remove him and the pastor was forced to give him money to go (apparently, you can't just throw them out in the street once you've made such a show of taking someone in).
Good luck, but honestly, this kid needs to hit bottom. He never will though. Not with so many people ready to make his excuses for him. I learned this the hard way. I heard from others that had been through "this" before and thought that he & we were going to be the exception... "my kids" are doing so great, and doesn't everyone tell my dh & I that we are the perfect parents? HA!
God bless you, but don't take it personally when he continues to take advantage of you and yours and ends up repeating his own dysfunctional cycles.
First off, I don't expect A's. I simply said I was used to seeing them from my younger kids.
I have told him what I want are honest grades. And I explained that honest grades are where he is showing "A" for effort and completing homework assignments. He very well knows I don't expect straight A's. Last year I let him do it "his" way and he failed one class and barely passed others. Over the summer he promised and we gave him until first progress to do it his way again. With the D's well there we go again. So now is when I am standing over him.
Oh and I got clarification about his D's. He isn't actually acing the tests, it is a combo grade with 0's for homework and average C's on his tests with some 0's for tests too. When I asked him about it, he said he didn't know the answers and didn't bother putting them down. All his teachers that responded all said the same thing, he is bright but extremely lazy and poor work habits/ethics. But he is a well behaved kid. (I did praise him for that!)
And the irony of all this is that he does want to go to college and wants MIT or Cal Tech. He wants to get a career that makes him serious money. Over the summer I had him "research" what are the entrance requirements etc. He knows perfectly well what is required.
And i don't doubt myself or feel "guilty" in front of him. I have always held firm. I just come in here for advice to double check as again this is a brand new teen for me and I am used to my younger ones. Hubby and I as teens were different times back then. I just want to make sure I am not being unreasonable in expecting certain things.
And don't get me wrong, I do like him. He is a very likeable kid and gets along well with my kids and is an active part of our family. In fact he "complains" when we do casual night where we eat on the couch as he likes the family sit down dinners we have every night. LOL I just get frustrated when he doesn't do what seems so simple to me, homework. My other two girls are self starters and with him he isn't. I have to "tell" him. He even jokes that he won't start till I or hubby tell him to.
SSKC, sorry to hear that about your cousin's kid!
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