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PLEASE HELP!
I really need some advice and I found this forum so im hoping someone can help me. I am 26 years old me and my husband have been married for 7 years this year. We have two children of our own one boy who is 6 years old and one girl who is 4 years old. I have a step-son who is 10 years old. We went through a very intense full blown cusotdy battle in 2003-2004. My husband won joint custody as primary parent. Before we had this battle I raised my step-son I quit school to raise him I took over the "Mom" role if you will. His mother was never around. When she did have him he would talk about me all the time and it made her mad he would run from her when she picked him up because he did not know her. I always said positive things about her NEVER bad things ever. So she took us to court. We ended up sharing him one week on and one week off for 4 years. After that she called us and wanted to be a mom and make up for lost years and all this stuff. We live two hrs apart by the way. So we filed an agreement to let her take him and we would have him every other weekend and if anything such as his grades anythin went down hill it was voided and he would come back. Things have been good until now. She moved 4 hrs away against our wishes took him out of public scholl and moved in with her lesbian lover not to say anything that but he is confused on sexuality now and a girl and her husbad and there 4kids! Who not to mention tesitfied on our behalf in our last custody trail. I was very involved last time and i was wondering if I should step back now. I know have two kids of my own as to then i did not. Me and my stepson are not as close as we used to be either. There has also been some acusations of abuse and that me and my husband treat our kids better and she wants child support, Please i need some advice from step moms out there???? Thank you so much.
When I married my husband his wife had custody of their 3 children and we lived hundreds of miles apart. While we longed for these kids full time we knew it would never happen and we also knew she would never split them up. So I determined that my place was to help her be a better Mom, not to be a substitute mom. I decided DH was not paying enough child support and so I increased my work schedule to help pay more expenses. I tried to keep communication open all the time. I tried to let her know we were not going to take her children away but wanted to help.
Now 35 years later we all get along great with e mails, phone calls and some visits which involve the kids.
My friends criticized me for my attitude saying I should try to get the kids away from her cause she had some serious problems. We were not aware of the extent of these mental health issues but I still feel we handled it correctly. A bitter custody fight would have torn all the families apart and probably would not have changed much as far as their futures were concerned.
We all have to face the facts these children were in the picture before we were and we should never put our spouse in the position of having to choose.
I have a 7 year old stepson myself. My husband and I have been together for over 5 years and married for almost 4. My husband and his ex split when she kicked him out when she was 2 months pregnant. We have never spoken ill of her in his presence or while he is in our home, ever. We have always had the opinion that if there is anything about her that he needs to learn, which there's plenty, that he will have to develop an opinion for himself. Well, needless to say, she doesn't appear to share the same sentiment and we are constantly hearing how "mommy talks bad about daddy an calls him bad words that I can't say." We just tell him that it's not nice for her to do that but unfortunately we can't stop her. I have been told how I'm not his mother and he doesn't have to listen to me, etc. It's gotten to the point lately where he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. I am the adult so I just let it go and hope that his mother's influence will wear off eventually and we can have the relationship we used to. However, as new information comes to light I am finding it harder to suck it up. We have my ss every other weekend from school dismissal on Friday until school arrival Monday and then two days alternating weeks and then one the next. It's confusing, I know. I am a stay at home of our now 2 and a half year old daughter and expecting another in just two months. I pick my ss up from school and take him the next Monday. We also have him every other week during the summer. On his mother's weeks he goes to daycare all day but on our weeks he stays with me. My husband and I potty trained him because she said potty training a boy was not her job, I taught him to tie his shoes, help him with his homework, taught him to read, etc. She even brings him here to be with me when he's sick, which is often, and cant' go to school or daycare. So, I have always invested quite a bit of time in the usual "100% responsibility 0% authority" role. I have never resented this until last night. My husband took ss back to his mother's house after scheduled time here and was told that for the past 6 months ss has been telling his mother that I have told him over and over that I don't want him here anymore. I have never and would never say any such thing to a child. I don't know about anyone else but if my 7 year old was telling me things like this it wouldn't take me 6 months to react and I certainly wouldn't have brought my son to be taken care of by that person two weeks ago when he was sick again and I had plans. He also told her that when he gets into trouble that we don't allow him to play with his 2 year old sister. This is partially true and my husband explained to her that when he is abusive to his younger sister, whom he outweighs by about 50 pounds because he is the size of a ten year old, by hitting or pushing her that he has to sit in timeout and he's not allowed to play with her until she isn't upset with him anymore. BM told my husband that we are not allowed to tell him he can't play with his little sister and my husband said that we most certainly can protect her when he harms her. His teacher had even told them both that he doesn't interact well with children in his class. He picks on them and is rough with them. He has two older siblings who did the same to him. I am sorry but I don't want our daughter to think that is appropriate interaction between siblings. He has hurt her many times and I feel so bad for her because she remembers it for weeks and sometimes she runs away because she says that he hurts her. He has told us countless things that go on at his mother's but we don't talk to her about them anymore because when my husband would bring them up she would have my ss tell his father that he lied to us and that never happened at her house. So, now he's manipulating and making us look bad. He just got done yesterday morning telling me how much nicer I am than his mother. Then he goes and tells her this. I just don't get it. So, I told my husband that I am taking myself out of the line of fire. Now, ss will go to mom's after school every other Friday and dad will pick him up after work. Monday mornings he will go to the daycare that he goes to every other day, same with every other week during the summer. If I don't spend the time alone with him then he can't claim I am saying things I am not. I just don't understand why he would make up something so hurtful when all I have ever done was give him love and try to help him grow into a strong person. I just worry that it's her influence because we have noticed that he has been lying a lot when he's here. I also worry because I feel like there's no right answer and no matter what he's going to suffer.
Hey everyone! I am a step mommy of 4 year old, whom I love to death! His mom can be very difficult at times, telling him untrue things about me. He once told me, that his mommy said I am mean, and he can't love both his mommy and me! It is SO hard! She is not on the same maturity level as my husband and me!
Once, my stepson told me that he wishes he could live with me and his daddy. My husband's ex even called him up complaining, because she said that when my step son through a tantrum at her house, he was crying for ME!!! She thinks I am poisoning his mind against her or something, when really, I am just behaving in a loving manner towards him, and providing a stable environment for him. Things get hard, because we would so love to have more custody of him, but the laws in England never lean towards the father, even if the father is the more able parent. While in his mother's care, the poor baby is dropped off at a daycare for several hours each day, even though the mom doesn't work, because the government here pays for the daycare!! Her rich parents pay for the rest. It is so sad to see my step son develop anger and behavioral issues, from being dumped off at a daycare all day, yet the laws will do nothing to rule in our favor, and give him more time with his dad. He loves our house, because he gets attention!
The hardest part, is that my husband's ex has a mental illness, and so her behavior and moods are very unpredictable, and very innappropriate.
We have a rule at our house, and we never speak badly about my step sons mother in front of him, or say anything negative to him about his life with her. We don't pry him to share his feelings, or say things like,"Daddy's house is better, don't you want to live with Daddy?" We just allow him to share his feelings when HE chooses, and provide the emotional support and loving attention he is in need of.
So how does everyone cope? What are your experiences as a step parent? What are your experiences with your spouses ex? How do you deal?
Share anything you wish here! Being a step parent is not easy, and sometimes, you feel like nobody understands your feelings!
We can't control what the other parent of our S.O. says or does, all we can do is control what we do and say.
Kids see how their parents react
When I was with my girls dad...we were together for 8 years..I treated his kids like my own..I love his kids still do..His sons mom was never bitter, we would have her other kids with us too..My girls from my ex call her parents their grandparents too..
So many women want to put down their ex new woman in his life.
I say she is probable just jealous of you and your relationship,
Im not married to my boyfriend but I know what his ex says is nonsense and know she isn't hurting me or my boyfriend she is only hurting their girls
My feelings toward her are none the nice..but she isn't making an impact on my life, she making one to her girls.
Maybe your giving your hunny a whole new world that has her thinking "damn he now knows grass is greener on the other side"
Just because she is the mom doesn't entitle her to act like a fool.
Enjoy your family, and when she says something negative, realize its her own pity problem..
I have a 7 year old stepson myself. My husband and I have been together for over 5 years and married for almost 4. My husband and his ex split when she kicked him out when she was 2 months pregnant. We have never spoken ill of her in his presence or while he is in our home, ever. We have always had the opinion that if there is anything about her that he needs to learn, which there's plenty, that he will have to develop an opinion for himself. Well, needless to say, she doesn't appear to share the same sentiment and we are constantly hearing how "mommy talks bad about daddy an calls him bad words that I can't say." We just tell him that it's not nice for her to do that but unfortunately we can't stop her. I have been told how I'm not his mother and he doesn't have to listen to me, etc. It's gotten to the point lately where he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. I am the adult so I just let it go and hope that his mother's influence will wear off eventually and we can have the relationship we used to. However, as new information comes to light I am finding it harder to suck it up. We have my ss every other weekend from school dismissal on Friday until school arrival Monday and then two days alternating weeks and then one the next. It's confusing, I know. I am a stay at home of our now 2 and a half year old daughter and expecting another in just two months. I pick my ss up from school and take him the next Monday. We also have him every other week during the summer. On his mother's weeks he goes to daycare all day but on our weeks he stays with me. My husband and I potty trained him because she said potty training a boy was not her job, I taught him to tie his shoes, help him with his homework, taught him to read, etc. She even brings him here to be with me when he's sick, which is often, and cant' go to school or daycare. So, I have always invested quite a bit of time in the usual "100% responsibility 0% authority" role. I have never resented this until last night. My husband took ss back to his mother's house after scheduled time here and was told that for the past 6 months ss has been telling his mother that I have told him over and over that I don't want him here anymore. I have never and would never say any such thing to a child. I don't know about anyone else but if my 7 year old was telling me things like this it wouldn't take me 6 months to react and I certainly wouldn't have brought my son to be taken care of by that person two weeks ago when he was sick again and I had plans. He also told her that when he gets into trouble that we don't allow him to play with his 2 year old sister. This is partially true and my husband explained to her that when he is abusive to his younger sister, whom he outweighs by about 50 pounds because he is the size of a ten year old, by hitting or pushing her that he has to sit in timeout and he's not allowed to play with her until she isn't upset with him anymore. BM told my husband that we are not allowed to tell him he can't play with his little sister and my husband said that we most certainly can protect her when he harms her. His teacher had even told them both that he doesn't interact well with children in his class. He picks on them and is rough with them. He has two older siblings who did the same to him. I am sorry but I don't want our daughter to think that is appropriate interaction between siblings. He has hurt her many times and I feel so bad for her because she remembers it for weeks and sometimes she runs away because she says that he hurts her. He has told us countless things that go on at his mother's but we don't talk to her about them anymore because when my husband would bring them up she would have my ss tell his father that he lied to us and that never happened at her house. So, now he's manipulating and making us look bad. He just got done yesterday morning telling me how much nicer I am than his mother. Then he goes and tells her this. I just don't get it. So, I told my husband that I am taking myself out of the line of fire. Now, ss will go to mom's after school every other Friday and dad will pick him up after work. Monday mornings he will go to the daycare that he goes to every other day, same with every other week during the summer. If I don't spend the time alone with him then he can't claim I am saying things I am not. I just don't understand why he would make up something so hurtful when all I have ever done was give him love and try to help him grow into a strong person. I just worry that it's her influence because we have noticed that he has been lying a lot when he's here. I also worry because I feel like there's no right answer and no matter what he's going to suffer.
aww sweetie, I am sorry you are so hurt. What it sounds like is your ss is trying to appease both you and his mother. To show alliance with her, he makes up stories about you... to show alliance with you, he (very well could be) making up stories about her. Even if you and your household does everything imaginable, this boy feels like he is a rope in a cruel game of tug-of-war. At his age, developmentally, he is seeing how his situation is different... and how he can work the situation to his benefit (he is a child... they manipulate and think selfishly and act immature). By stepping back, you are giving this boy his worst fear... that you DO love the others more... that you DO wish he wasn't around. For a child of divorce... especially one who sees other children living with their parent, it is hard to separate the fact that their parents divorced from the illusion that a parent divorced the child.... and it was because the child did something wrong.
Is there a way you could help this boy come to terms with his family situation? I get that working with his mom is not going to be ideal, or even possible. Talk to his school counselor.... see if he is acting out at school.... do they have any recommendations?
By stepping back, you are giving this boy his worst fear... that you DO love the others more... that you DO wish he wasn't around. For a child of divorce... especially one who sees other children living with their parent, it is hard to separate the fact that their parents divorced from the illusion that a parent divorced the child.... and it was because the child did something wrong.
Is there a way you could help this boy come to terms with his family situation? I get that working with his mom is not going to be ideal, or even possible. Talk to his school counselor.... see if he is acting out at school.... do they have any recommendations?
Thank you for taking the time to write. I will just answer quickly by saying that this is just the straw that broke the camel's back lately. My husband and I have sat down with him and tried to talk to him about what's causing his misbehavior in recent months. He says that the family situation doesn't bother him because he knows that mommy and daddy weren't happy together. Apparently, he got that from someone, but we make our home about our family not what is said or done at her home. We always tell him how much he is loved here and try to make his time here as enjoyable as is realistic. It doesn't help that his BM tells him that daddy abandoned her and him and that daddy's goal is to take him away from mommy forever, both comments she has admitted to my DH that she has made to SS. Her reason was that that is what her lawyer told her. We have done everything shy of bowing down and worshipping him to prove otherwise. DH has been a part of his life as much as the courts deemed allowable, which works out to be about 45% of the time, and paid child support from birth. He does act out at school and DH has suggested to BM that he may need to see a counselor and her reaction is "he's fine". If DH goes against what she says, she calls her lawyer. We don't want everything to turn into a battle. We just want him to grow up happy and healthy. DH and I have tried everything we can think of and now it feels like we can't win no matter what we do. The last thing I want to do is make him feel unwanted but right now I am very pregnant and the stress this has been causing me making me physically ill. I cry all the time because I feel like a failure. The change is not punishment but it seems that every time I spend any amount of time alone with him, no matter how little it may be, he ends up with a story about something mean I said or did. I don't want this to turn into another court battle where my husband loses visitations over false accusations of my mistreatment of SS. I just can't think of any other way at this point. If it ends up blowing up in my face then I will cross that bridge when I come to it but for now I can't think of what else to do.
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