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I just rented the indy flick called "Trucker" last night. You should rent it, it showed me it's never to late to be in your childs life. It was a good movie.
I just rented the indy flick called "Trucker" last night. You should rent it, it showed me it's never to late to be in your childs life. It was a good movie.
Thanks! Haven't seen it yet...I will check it out!!
it seems you and your ex have problems and it has cause you a chance with you son if you wait you rick losing what little you have if you push you could push your son away take baby steps with him keep your messages short but let him know you still and always will love him no matter what he will figure it out on his own the maybe you can have some kind of relationship with your son
I am going to try to keep my post short and not go into too many details.
When I was 2, my father walked out of my life. (That's the way I always saw it. I know my mom and dad both have other versions, but when I was 2 he left me - his reasons are immaterial). My mother remarried. My stepdad was a father to me, but always made it clear that I wasn't "his". My childhood was hell.
When I was 17, I was no longer in my mother's home. For two years, I struggled on my own with no one really to help me. At 19, I found myself all but homeless and on the verge of starvation. I had a one night stand and became pregnant. I gave my baby up for adoption, for both our sakes. A month later, I was sitting around with 3 other young women - none of us really had a good father. They all told the stories of their dads and their attempts at contact. I hadn't attempted contact since I was 10 (long, sidetracking story).
It took one phone call to information to find his parents, my grandparents. He called me back two days later. We spoke for 3 hours on the phone and at the end, I asked him if he wanted to meet me. He sent me a plane ticket.
Again, I'm leaving out a lot of details, but the end result is that we've had a relationship for 17 1/2 years now. It's more mentor-ish than father-daughter, but we try. The most important reasons this worked out:
1) He had a life insurance policy he started for me at birth. He was still paying the premium on it. This showed me he HAD thought of me throughout the years.
2) He said he was sorry and NEVER tried to excuse his behavior. Although he'd end stories with, "And you know your mother...", he NEVER bad-mouthed her, even when I did. He never defended her either.
3) I needed a parent. I told him that upfront I was not there to make him feel better for the past, but because I needed a father.
4) He put me first from that moment on. Of course, he didn't have more kids after me which made this possible. I think if he'd had other kids, it wouldn't have worked out. If I had to deal with the thoughts that while I was being beaten he was busy tucking another child in bed and singing lullabies, the 19 year old me that needed a father would've resented him and his younger children.
Good luck. Remember that YOU are/were the parent. He owes you nothing. Be there for him and accept responsibility for your failures as a mother, rather than make excuses. It worked for my dad and me. He is my kid's favorite grandfather - and THAT is priceless to me.
My husband's father left when he was about 8. They did the visitation thing for a while. I'm not sure why it stopped, but it did. He remarried and had another child, and disappeared from my husband's life. There is no excuse for that. None. My husband is 35 and hasn't seen his father since high school. He made one attempt after that. After DH's sister reconnected with their dad, dad sent a b-day card to DH. He ignored it and went on with life. I hope it isn't too late for you, but I can't say I have much sympathy for you. As someone else said, you chose a man over your child. You moved far away, and IMO didn't make much of an effort to stay in contact. There is no excuse.
Your child will probably come around. I think you did the best that you could under the circumstances. You have tried.
Right now, your child feels that he is under his father's control. Actually, he is old enough to make his own decisions. If you were all to go into court, at this age, the court will ask him where he wants to live. You might be surprised. Courts do not order 16-year-olds to live with a parent. It's useless. If the kid doesn't like where they live, they runaway.
Right now, your boy doesn't think he has any choices and you didn't get a chance to tell him that he does.
The father has blocked you from seeing his son. You made an attempt to see him, the first chance that you got. He'll always remember that. He'll come back.
In my opinion, as a mother myself, I could NEVER imagine NOT seeing or talking to my children for years. In fact, if I was ever divorced from their father I wouldn't let that happen. You had a legal right to him and you just gave up on it because you married someone else and had other children. You must understand how that makes your son feel...
It was a choice that you made and now you are suffering the consequences of that.
Do you have legal rights to your son?? Yes!
I'm not saying what the father is doing is right. But if it were MY child, I would likely not encourage a relationship with my child's other parent because if they had no problem walking out on him in the first place then they could surely hurt my child again. I think he is acting out of protection for his son and not wanting him to be hurt by you anymore.
My ex husband and I divorced in 1995 and the custoday of of son was joint, however, his resisdential custody was to remain with his father. Yes, I am the mother, and this decision of the court was because I moved out and was living with a man I was not married to and chose not to marry just to gain custody of my son, although, we did marry a couple of years later.
Over the years, I had moved to MO, MS, then to FL. In 1997 I remarried and had two children with my new husband. In the begining I exercised my visitation on a regular basis for about 3 years. Throughout those three years the arguing between my ex and I never stopped and it was difficult at best for the two of us to get along. My new family and I moved to FL with his sister as our finalcial world took a tremendous dive and it was time to restart and try again after loosing everything, including our home. During the 1st year of my new resisdence I made "some" contact with my ex to at least speak with my son over the phone as of course I could not afford to travel. As I said before my ex and I did not get along even with 1500 miles between us and speaking by phone. I felt very alone in this battle and I honestly felt there was little I could do. I tried to mail a couple of letters to my son, but they were returned to me for reasons unknown. I cannot remember if it stated, not at this address, or return to sender. After that I basically stopped even trying. My ex had the upper hand and I didn't have the money to stop it. Over the years of living in FL, once in a while I would try to search his name on the internet, or even my sons thinking he might be old enough to start using the internet and have a myspace page, since most of the children that my other two children associated with did. Even a whitepages listing had appears with my ex husbands name but with an unlisted phone # and no new address. Last year my family and I moved back to MO. I started to gain some confidence in thinking that "maybe if I can find him there will be something I can do" At the end Dec 2009 I found my son on facebook, privately listed. At the begining of Jan 2010 I sent him a messge on Facebook as I had no other information of how or where to contact him, but I really wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I was nervous and felt absolutely sick to my stomach as I had no idea if he would respond at all. He replied after about 3 hours with a nice reply. "Yes this is your son and Yes my dad's name is X." I was so happy, but very unprepared. He sent me another message about an hour later with his cell phone number and said he would really like to talk to me sometime and that he missed me. I waited until later that evening and I called him. We had a nice conversation for about an hour. All seemed to be going well. We chatted online several time over the course of a few days. He really didn't have any quesitons about Why, so I didn't offer any answers, we only talked about things he remembered and things that he and I both like. I sent him some pictures from our family photo album of him and his half brothers when they were all little. He sent me a few pictures of himself as well. I had told him I would like to see him and that I would be close to him this last weekend. He said to me that he also wanted to see me. After a couple of days and making sure I could truly make the trip with no issues, I called his father to ask his permission. I was extrememly nervous about this phone call too as I had no idea how he would react. When I called, I tried to be confident, but there it was again, the sound of his voice lifted over me in the that tone that I really never wanted to ever hear again. It's a tone that says "You are crazy" in the background. He did not yell, nor did he ask any questions. He simply stated. "This is not a good time for X as he has the FFA thing that day and he won't get home until about 6 or 7 at night" I asked what about after that, he replied "He has to work after that so he will have to take that up with his boss." I then told him I did not want our son to take off from work as work is important. I asked if he could schedule a time for our son and I to visit, and he said "well I am sure some other time would be fine, but we will just have to see what he has going on then". I was so set back, I broke down in tears and said okay thank you and good bye. And of course he interpreted that as I hung up on him.
My son and I chatted with IM the next day, and all of a sudden he started talking about pictures, bad memories, scratches, bruises, and so on. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but oh boy my mind is racing now!! I calmly told him I honestly had no idea what he was talking about and that when he was in my care at NO time was he EVER abused in any way. I didn't know what else to say. I was VERY VERY cautious not to say anything about the relationship between his father and I and that we just could not get along. If I did I was afraid it would drive him away for good. Although, now I think I may have done that. I don't want to drown this post with how bad of a person I think my ex is and what extent I think he would go through to keep me from my son. He is still my son's father and nothing can change that. That afternoon I received a text message from my son which said, "I am sorry but I am just not ready to deal with this, maybe when I am 18 but maybe. I'm really sorry"
I sent his father a text message begging him to encourge our son to have a relationship of some sort with me. He replied, you should have thought about that 12 years ago. Then I sent a message to him asking that he seek counseling for our son to try to help him understand what has happened and I asked him to call me to discuss. Of course, no reply and I don't even expect to get one at this point.
So what now, do I just give up and pray that someday he wants to know more about me and his half brothers and hope that he will look for us? He asked me not to contact him, but I know he is at a delicate age, and sometimes teenagers say things that maybe they really don't mean. I fear that this relationship is lost forever and I cannot defend myself without "downsizing" his father. I don't want him to be angry with his father by any means as that is would just be another issue he would have to grow up dealing with. As much as I want to defend myself, I just don't think that is the right way handle the situation. In his mind was he thinks is natural and justified without my "side of the story". If there is anyone out there who has experienced a similar situation please tell me your thoughts.
Hard questions here:
For whose sake do you want this relationship? Obviously, he is not ready. I'll tell you what I told my husband 30 years ago. Give your son the only gift you can. A home where he is. Leave him be. If he wants a relationship with you, he will contact you. You've made contact. Now walk away.
Honestly, he doesn't need your side of the story. That story is between you and your ex and none of his business. Children do not need to be put in a position where they are being told each parents story. They shouldn't have to feel they have to choose sides.
To your credit, I think life is better for kids if one parnet bows out when the two cannot get along. It's better to have one absent parent than two parents figthing and telling you their side of the story. This is how I grew up. I hated it. While I probably never would have looked my father up, life would have been much better for me if he'd just disappeared. I really don't care whose fault the fights were. It didn't matter. I was caught in the middle either way.
You spared your son growing up in a battle zone and that is a good thing. The cost may very well be your relationship with him but even if it is, at least he didn't grow up with the conflict.
My husband's son did end up looking him up after he turned 18 but decided not to have a relationship with his father even after learning that his mother had been lying to him his entire life (she told him her other two sons, whom she left behind and never saw, were my husband's by another woman and not hers). You should be prepared for your son's loyalties to lie with his father.
While my heart goes out to you, your son doesn't need to be in the middle of a divorce that happened years ago. Let him grow up, get out on his own and decide whether or not he wants a realtionship with you. I would IM him and let him know you'll be there should he change his mind but I'd leave it at that. Ask yourself if HE needs this. Ask yourself if he's ready for this. Obviously, you'd been thinking about it for a while. Perhaps you just caught him by surprise. Time will tell. Give him the time to decide what he wants.
To those of you who are saying "I WOULD NEVER Let this happen", do you really think saying that helps this situation?
As a mother, as hard as it would be, I would step aside if my ex and I could not maintain a civil relationship to spare the children growing up in a war zone. When you have one unreasonable parent, sometimes the other one has to do things they don't want to to spare the children a worse harm than a missing parent.
My husband's ex was not about to allow visitation. She had every excuse in the book. It was going to be a war. I told my husband to give his son the only thing he could. A home where he was and I stand by that advice. In stepping aside, he spared his son growing up in a war zone. Unfortunately, you can't make the other parent behave. Sure, you can force visitation but then the kids are caught in the middle of mom and dad's versions of whatever soap opera is happening at the moment.
To those of you who are saying "I WOULD NEVER Let this happen", do you really think saying that helps this situation?
As a mother, as hard as it would be, I would step aside if my ex and I could not maintain a civil relationship to spare the children growing up in a war zone. When you have one unreasonable parent, sometimes the other one has to do things they don't want to to spare the children a worse harm than a missing parent.
My husband's ex was not about to allow visitation. She had every excuse in the book. It was going to be a war. I told my husband to give his son the only thing he could. A home where he was and I stand by that advice. In stepping aside, he spared his son growing up in a war zone. Unfortunately, you can't make the other parent behave. Sure, you can force visitation but then the kids are caught in the middle of mom and dad's versions of whatever soap opera is happening at the moment.
I don't see how letting a child feel abandoned by his own mother is better. I'd rather my parents fought over me than just give up. the OP doesn't say that she was an unfit parent or that she thought her child was better off with dad. She just says she was living with a guy and then moved away. Sounds like a matter of convenience more than doing what she thought was best for the child. It sounds like she didn't want to deal with the arguing with the ex.
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