As a stepparent...should I reach out to biological mom? (stepmom, babysitter)
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My dh pretty much has a non-existent relationship with my stepchild's biological mom. All communication is done via email and/or text. Quite a few incidents have happened in the past that made him refuse to deal with her and now has full custody. He is active in sports and she will attend his games sometimes.
He is having a hard time in school right now and he is not allowed to play video games or watch TV during the week and until his grades get better he cannot do so on the weekend either. We are working with his teacher and the school to set up something to help him. When he is with his bio mom on the weekend he is allowed to play the entire weekend. She isn't involved with his schooling (doesn't show any interest), and let's him play the video games so he is occupied all weekend.
Should dh even bother to ask the bio mom to not allow him to play video games when he is with her and that his grades are not good and he needs to do more reading or school work? dh is hesitant because she so uninvolved and out of the loop with what's going on with her child. She's more like a babysitter and the child complains all the time that she doesn't spend time with him.
My dh pretty much has a non-existent relationship with my stepchild's biological mom. All communication is done via email and/or text. Quite a few incidents have happened in the past that made him refuse to deal with her and now has full custody. He is active in sports and she will attend his games sometimes.
He is having a hard time in school right now and he is not allowed to play video games or watch TV during the week and until his grades get better he cannot do so on the weekend either. We are working with his teacher and the school to set up something to help him. When he is with his bio mom on the weekend he is allowed to play the entire weekend. She isn't involved with his schooling (doesn't show any interest), and let's him play the video games so he is occupied all weekend.
Should dh even bother to ask the bio mom to not allow him to play video games when he is with her and that his grades are not good and he needs to do more reading or school work? dh is hesitant because she so uninvolved and out of the loop with what's going on with her child. She's more like a babysitter and the child complains all the time that she doesn't spend time with him.
NO. This is not your place. If anyone is going to "reach out" it needs to be your husband. Believe me, she will not appreciate hearing from you, no matter how good your intentions are.
Also, your husband should invite her to school conferences with him at the very least so that she can truly understand the kids situation and what role she can play in helping him to be successful.
I would put the biomom in the loop by informing her of his grade situation. I would not ask the biomom to enforce dicipline from your household unless she asks if y'all want her to.
I have been in this situation as a biomom and a stepmom. You cannot make her follow through on dicipline, even if it is what would happen in a traditional family.
no, the mom doesn't care. the bigger issue for me is how strict your Dh's punishment is for bad grades. way to harsh, way better to allow some interaction for the child in the things that make him happy to achieve better grades, then to deprive him of all his joy and expect him to apply himself. there has to be a better way to go about instilling the desire to learn. how about better grades better games for him to play in his spare time!
I agree with loves on this one. Not only will the biomom likely react badly but how do you think your DH will feel if you go around him to the mom? It's not your place. Unfortunately this situation comes with a lot of baggage and you all are going to have to learn to manage it. I'd work with your DH to find ways to encourage and help DS, to help him manage the mess he is living in. As difficult as it is for you, imagine what he is going through.
the bigger issue for me is how strict your Dh's punishment is for bad grades. way to harsh, way better to allow some interaction for the child in the things that make him happy to achieve better grades, then to deprive him of all his joy and expect him to apply himself.
I agree that the punishment is way too strict. (This is coming from a woman who is married to a man who was grounded to the kitchen table for an entire grading period if he got bad grades.) Not allowing TV and video games on weekends isn't teaching him to be responsible on school days. It's just an outright punishment with no real lessons attached. The child should be allowed to play video games and watch TV on the weekends because there isn't any school on weekends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dance4dayzz
Should dh even bother to ask the bio mom to not allow him to play video games when he is with her and that his grades are not good and he needs to do more reading or school work?
I agree with everyone else that YOU shouldn't contact the bio mom.
I also think the bio mother shouldn't be expected to enforce any punishments you have at your house.
When you have the child, the child lives by your rules. When the child is with her, he lives by her rules. Learn to deal with it. That's reality.
You would NOT appreciate HER telling you how to run your own house. Don't expect her to welcome you telling her how to run her house.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dance4dayzz
She's more like a babysitter and the child complains all the time that she doesn't spend time with him.
Since your husband has full custody, I'm not surprised the child feels that he doesn't get to spend much time with his mother.
I also agree the punishment is too harsh. How about letting him "earn" video time by working on his school work. This will encourage good habits and get the work done with a lot less hassle. I would suggest he earn tickets that equal 30 minutes of game time. He could earn these by good grades on a test or completing his homework in a correct and timely fashion. He needs some way to be rewarded for good behavior, not just punished for bad.
Oh, and as a bio mom...Dad needs to be the one to deal with his ex wife. It is never your place and will never be accepted. He needs to man up and include her in his son's educational life even if she is not receptive. I would suggest notification of conferences, copy of grades, copy of any correspondence with the teacher, etc. If she makes the choice to not show up or communicate with Dad or the teacher then that is her choice. You cannot set rules at her house.
Been there and done that. You can't govern what's going on in her house. When the kids would come home from mom. My xh would wait a couple of days and say, okay let's stop the behavior you are back home. STOP IT!! Do not include this woman in your life. It's a reason why your husband don't communicate with this woman.
I think it depends.
Looks like I'm in the minority here, but as the mom I always found it easier to deal with the stepmom than to deal with the ex. Easier to actually focus on the issues surrounding the kids and not get caught up in rehashing old arguments.
We tried to work together, and even though there were different rules at each house we did try to stay consistent that punishments did carry over from one household to the other. Not saying it was perfect, there were disagreements about how to handle things, but for the most part it worked.
I don't think it would hurt to reach out to the mom. It might not accomplish anything, but you never know. If DH finds it impossible to deal with her, possibly you and she can work as a team instead.
NO. This is not your place. If anyone is going to "reach out" it needs to be your husband. Believe me, she will not appreciate hearing from you, no matter how good your intentions are.
Also, your husband should invite her to school conferences with him at the very least so that she can truly understand the kids situation and what role she can play in helping him to be successful.
This advice is right on the mark. Issues with this child need to be handled by the parents. Step parents should not meddle. Assist when asked but stay out of it if not asked.
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