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Old 04-15-2010, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Full time in the RV
2,685 posts, read 6,125,301 times
Reputation: 2046

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My daughter, 25, is ADHD/Bi-Polar, is on meds and sees a psychiatrist. These make a huge difference in her behavior. It is time to kick her out of the house.

I have been fed up with her behavior and poor choices a long time. My wife, however, has always been the softie. To keep the peace I just went along. It is not all my wife's fault; I take some of the responsibility. I mention this only to give a clearer picture.

Here is what has transpired:

She was living in an apartment about 30 miles away. She was going to school (sort of) and working. Mostly she was living off her student loan. That ran out and she got laid off about the same time. She moves back home. This was about a year ago.

Six months ago she lands a part-time job as a bank teller. Like all her jobs she starts off strong then starts slacking, calling in sick etc. She is a high maintenance employee with a terrible work ethic.

About 2 months ago I catch her smoking pot in the house.

A few weeks after that she is pulled over for speeding-again. She is driving and with her boyfriend. They have been smoking pot. He admits it is all his and takes the complete fall and is arrested. Nothing happened to her-not even a speeding ticket.

Several weeks later my wife calls me while I am at work. She is "fed up" with her and she needs to move out. She says "even if we have to pay for it" and "we can't just kick her out, she has nowhere to go". I tell her there is no way we are going to pay for it. The kid starts looking for a place to live.

A few weeks ago she is fired from the bank job. This is really no surprise. She has been written up a bunch of times.

She has been looking for a job, mostly on line. According to her everyone has electronic applications and there is no point in a face to face unless they call you for an interview. I realize it is very tough right now.

So now she sleeps until noon (at least) and watches TV and plays XBox-all in her room.

A few nights ago-again while I am at work-she and her mother have a HUGE blow out. Mom calls me crying. Mom wants to kick her out. Mom has had enough. She doesn't care where or if she winds up living in her car. She told me "I consider her dead", she refuses to speak to her, and for me to take care of kicking her out. This is a HUGE shift in attitude from my wife. She has NEVER stated anything as harsh as this before. Never. I thought she would get over it and change her mind and soften up (as is the usual pattern) but she hasn't.

I don't need a lecture on what we should have done. It's easy to just say "kick her out". That is easier said than done. I need practical advice on what steps to do next. I'm especially interested in hearing from folks who have gone through this as parents or as the child getting thrown out. How did it transpire? How did it ultimately work out?

Last edited by RMD3819; 04-15-2010 at 01:44 PM.. Reason: Grammar
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Old 04-15-2010, 02:06 PM
 
Location: Boerne area
706 posts, read 1,476,503 times
Reputation: 858
Is there a mental health clinic in your area? Sometimes they can offer resources like residential living while mental health clients get on their feet. Start there. (I only know Texas, so can't be more specific). That might be 'easier' than just changing the locks.
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Old 04-15-2010, 02:11 PM
 
29,988 posts, read 35,842,224 times
Reputation: 12719
Escort her to the local military recruiting office? Career + living quarters/meals.
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Old 04-15-2010, 02:11 PM
 
Location: California
29,580 posts, read 31,900,225 times
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While it may not be ideal, what does the boyfriend do and can she live with him?
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Old 04-15-2010, 02:15 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 3,936,194 times
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I have an older daughter who I didn't have to kick out, but she did go through a rough patch as a young adult just starting out. She's a very responsible adult with a family and home of her own.

Just a suggestion: Give her two weeks to get a job and find a place to live. If she doesn't, put her things out. She WILL find a place to live. She's an adult and needs to know you expect her to behave like one and take responsibility for her life.

She doesn't hold a job because she doesn't have to. She doesn't keep an apartment because she doesn't have to. If she HAD to, she would HAVE to find a way.

Remember her choices are HER choices. She cannot blame anything on you and her mother since she IS an adult. You have paid the price to live in peace and in your home without the drama and added expense. You grew up. It's time your daughter does.

As difficult as it will be, she needs more of a hint to find her own way. You owe her love, but not life at this point. She should be maintaining her own by now.

She'll be ok. If she isn't, it's by her choice. Harsh, but true.

Mother birds push their little babies out of the nest and they either learn to fly or fall. Once she learns there are consequences to her choices, she will learn and make better ones, but as long as she uses that safety net, she won't take the responsibility of living on her own and staying on her own. So she loses a job and her apartment. Have her over for dinner and discuss it with her maybe, but I wouldn't take her in every time she wants to act like an irresponsible teen.
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Old 04-15-2010, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Nova
486 posts, read 1,456,156 times
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The profile of her is very interesting, because my 22 year old brother in law is living with us these days and I've noticed and talked to him about how his generation is very different than mine. Many of the attitudes between him and her are the same, except he doesn't smoke, pot, drive recklessly, etc...
But there is an overall entitlement feeling professionally/and at the home, and internet-only focus from this generation.
I think you should set ground rules for her if she choses to still live in your house. Make them reasonable, but gradually stricter. For example, give her responsible chores to do at home, have her pay rent to stay there, etc... Let her know that she needs to see her psych. doc at least every two weeks or something to that effect. Tell her based on her behaviors and lifestyle up until now, if she wants to continue living there, she has to adhere to these rules. She will either agree, and try it; or move out on her own; or she will try to take advantage of the situation, but that is an option if you don't want to kick her out immediately.

If you do want to kick her out; try to do it on the best terms, even if mom can't. Let her know you will always be there to talk about things and offer advice or opinions, but she needs to learn her own lessons now and be responsible for her actions. You could give her a 30 day notice. Offer her resources (doctors, jobs you might see that fit, apt listings, etc...), but not money.

Tough situation... good luck.
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Old 04-15-2010, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Nova
486 posts, read 1,456,156 times
Reputation: 275
One more thing that could be REALLY affecting this negatively is her bipolar disorder. She might need to have her medication regulated. If you think she's acting worse or having stronger periods of highs and lows tell her to talk to her doctor. I actually know someone who is bipolar and will never function properly in life on her own. Life to her is a chore and she can't hold a job.
Take this into account before being harsh or super strict with her.
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:05 AM
 
3,994 posts, read 8,724,794 times
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I am not going to comment on the situation as a whole, but I just want to say that Online is pretty much the only place job postings exist these days. Take a look through your local papers classified ads on a weekday and you will see job postings are just about non-existent...

I also want to say that who cares how late she sleeps if there is no job? Its not like there is any advantage to waking up early if you dont have a job... You spend a couple hours a day looking/applying and thats that. Makes no difference if its at 9 AM or 1 PM. I also think that playing games/watching TV is actually fairly responsible rather then going out and spending money she doesnt have while unemployed...

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 04-16-2010, 07:13 AM
 
6,764 posts, read 19,279,691 times
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this but you and your wife...well, how did you raise this girl, mental issues aside?

You say she sleeps all day and plays X-Box at 25...what was she allowed to do at 13, 15, 19...?

Did you ever say to her as a child and a teen, we do not allow drug use in this house?

Did you ever say to her, "Missy, you have to keep that job or do that homework or work through your struggles and NOT use your disorder or take the easy way out as an excuse?"

Did you ever direct her in positive ways as a youth?

I am not BLAMING you (I have my own 'disabled' child) but you have to understand people with disorders NEED structure and need a firm hand from a young age. They need positives for every negative. People will dislike them for their odd behavior and unless we direct them in positive, self esteem building activities, these kids/adults are AT RISK for the type of behavior your daughter is exhibiting.

Is throwing her out the last resort?
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:55 AM
 
5,019 posts, read 12,466,511 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RMD3819 View Post
I don't need a lecture on what we should have done. It's easy to just say "kick her out". That is easier said than done. I need practical advice on what steps to do next. I'm especially interested in hearing from folks who have gone through this as parents or as the child getting thrown out. How did it transpire? How did it ultimately work out?
My younger sister was somewhat like your daughter. She didn't really have the mental illness part, but was sort of a "failure to launch" case. In her mid 20s she had finished college, but was only working PT, partying a lot, and living (rent free) with our father and step-mother. It was starting to take a toll on their marriage.

Our family solution was: she came to live with me. I was a single mother at the time with a school-aged child. My sister paid rent, not "market value", but enough to help me out, and helped with childcare. As her sister, I was able to be fairly non-judgmental. I also didn't let her "slide" as our parents did; she had household chores and she was expected to do her own laundry, cook her own meals, and clean her own messes. In other words, she was treated like a grown-up.

We lived together for ~ 3 years. She eventually found a full time job and saved enough to get her own place. She's now a homeowner and mother of two.

Good luck and best wishes.

Last edited by plaidmom; 04-16-2010 at 09:31 AM..
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